Wife in "D - Freight Train Mode"

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I found it VERY enlightening to hear WAS perspectives. And once I got out of the "poor me" thoughts, it really made sense and I really empathized.*shrug*

I agree. Finally seeing this line of thought or perspective is eye opening to say the least. At first, that knot in my stomach came back ever so briefly along with feelings of guilt that I could ever hurt somebody that is so important to me. My W and I had a very romantic courtship that lasted two years before we got married. We ended-up eloping to Amsterdam and told her folks and mine weeks after the fact. Having a very hard time reconciling myself with the fact that girl is "dead" and I often feel as if I killed her.

I second what mach said KD. You are one of the voices of reason around here. Bizzare to think you were once way back where I am now. I must admit, however, I will not wait on my W for as long as you have. Then again, you propbably are not waiting on her, are you?

[keep_going]

GM -
I hope you don't think I am highjacking your thread, but I wanted to go back to your comment re. Crazyville's post on Crimson's thread and ask her something here, if I may, since you brought it up.

Crazyville -
I first want to THANK YOU for sharing your feelings so openly with us - I admire your courage.
I truly CHERISH reading the WAWs perspective anytime I can find anyone sharing like you, because it grounds me and keeps me in check.

I do have a question about your post. I am not understanding it very clearly, and would appreciate any further insight you can bring to this issue of GAL. I am copying the section of your post here.

You said:
"As I watched my H on Sunday take our son out to go look at which raquetball club to join, it did nothing to endear me to him. In fact, I made a point to work on my GAL in response. Neither of our efforts to GAL will translate into our married life. It would have been entirely different if he were investing his time in learning about gardening, since that's something I enjoy and we could ultimately do together given a reconciliation of the marriage. Or taking a cooking class that we would both benefit from ultimately. Since I don't play racquetball, I feel like he's actually investing in a GAL that doesn't include me. If he's not investing in me, why should I consider investing in him?

I completely get the concept that a depressed, needy, whiney ex is not appealing to a WAS. But neither is a happy, healthy, lively person that shares none of my interests. In addition, seeing a your spouse go on with life as usual -- or even better -- after you leave doesn't incent me to want to work at it."

---

The way I understand this DB principle of GAL, we should GAL for ourselves, (I actually understand DBing as something we do for ourselves first and to then try to save our M second). As we find our own happiness and take care of ourselves, our spouse may then become interested and want to re-connect with us.

Is it that you don't agree with GAL as something we do for ourselves, or is it that in your specific sitch, the issue is more a difference of personalities and interests with your H rather than his GAL attitude?

I do understand that your H MUST make changes and show a willingness to work on your R. So I totally understand why you are so put off by him falling asleep when reading a R book, or when he doesn't follow thru with spending quality time with you and talking with you, as you mentioned in another part of your post. I am completely there with you.

But what I am a bit confused about is the GAL activities that he does to also become a better dad or if he does things that make himself happy. I bring it up because a lot of my personal GAL is about things that make ME happy. Things that I left behind throughout the years and that are part of who I am and I believe, the woman my H originally fell in love with. I am trying to regain myself, so therefore, my focus on my own GAL activities. Is that wrong? Am I misreading your post?

I'd love to hear more about it from your perspective. It is so valuable to me to get some insight into what you think and feel so I can understand my H's own process a bit better. I hope you don't feel like I am attacking you or questioning your feelings. I mean no disrespect! I am just confused and really can use some help in trying to figure out my own messed up mind.

THANK YOU!

[~ kd ~]

lol, mach! Yeah, I think my spidey senses were tingling...

Funny how when we start this journey, we actually have know idea what we'll learn and realize... and accept... until we get there.

And Mnky, I probably stood for a long time because it took me a long time just to get through the being "dumped" part... and then once my head was clear, I was able to be brutally honest with myself...

I still don't know if I'd be prepared to share some of this stuff with my W. I don't want her to be hurt, thinking that I lied to her. Truth is, I did love her. I DO still love her. And if she were willing, I might consider R with her.

But I'm OK if she doesn't ever want that...

I know that my perspective on life is different than my W's. I know that my perspective on commitment is different than my W's. And any R I create in the future, I hope I don't loose my way, again... I would do things different, for sure... but I will NEVER regret the M... I will never regret the kids... It was totally worth it!

And tbh, it has really been over the past 2 months or so, that things kind of really began to click... click... click...

As they say, you will know when you know. But I implore anyone to keep standing, regardless... at least until you are at "that place"... KWIM?

[keep_going]

GM - Crazyville just started a diff. thread re. the GAL question.

I will re-post there. Sorry for the hijack once again.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

no worries mate.

[Mach1]

What about my post was "put-off"ing?

You were very straight forward, and ....unapproachable? ( Maybe the wrong word there)

In text, without the benefit of voice inflection, your words were very powerful. Without tone, they could be taken as a very stern , "don't bother trying" to those who are in a very emotional position.

I usually read things two or three times, to make sure I remove that from any text I peruse. I want to fully understand what I am seeing before I stick my foot in my mouth.

I understand what you are saying very clear, and almost every word, I have heard before, albeit with a different voice attached to it. That does not infer that yours were any less powerful.

When most people post, they hear and read the other side of this. They don't see the pain that you speak of. They don't see the frustration that you speak of. And I believe that a lot of that comes across as being angry. You may very well have zero anger, I do not know you personally. That is what I had to remove, so that I could hear your words as they were intended.

I also want to say thank you, for putting what must be very painful words for you, out there for others to see what happens from the other side.

I have read Sandi's early threads, and gained a lot of perspective from those. I have read Smartcookie's threads, and AmyC's threads. I learned so much from them. And......I learn from yours as well.

You are correct though, perception of another person's feelings, isn't always what we think it is.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

^^^ what Mach said. We need to hear more from the WAS's perspective. My W will not talk about the M right now, only about the D.

[Crazyville]

Thanks, Mach. I actually get that a lot, but have no idea what it is that I do. My close friends that I can trust would be honest with me (you know, tell me I look fat in that outfit) don't know what it is either. I usually get if from people that don't know me at all. Apparently it's something superficial, heck if I know what. Probably comes from too many years of working with computers. But thanks for your response!

BTW, GM, I love ferns, so watch your porch!

[~ kd ~]

well mach... now that's I've poked my head into <alt><space>... i can confidently say that I have not been able to confirm any "tap"s...

I will just continue on life, blissfully ignorant.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Alright, somebody remind me why I am doing this again? I'm in a pretty good place right now. Sure, I still miss the W as a spouse and friend but I'm not chasing these days. I read the archives and sucesss stories and they help. I read sooo many threads here that mirror my own sitch. Yet, I still feel that its not going to happen for me. Please understand, I'm liking me again - first time in many years. My self confidence improves everyday with that one exception. For those of you that toughed it out and reconciled (bustorama), did you ever have periods when friends, therapists, and family ALL said to "just D her and get it over with. Afterall, you are an attractive and witty guy you will meet somebody before you know it". I mean WTF? I know they are trying to be supportive, but really? I love that girl. There simply is no replacement for her. Yeah, I know that I can live without her and I will indeed be happy again, but I honestly dig this girl!

I don't really know what I'm asking here...
Tough day at work that was finished off with a colleague telling me - "Dude she is gone, I promise".