Arena of Life

[WCW]

I understand NNP, I hope I get 'worded' when the time comes.

We had to make a surprise trip to town one night when some friends had some vehicle problems. We ended up out to eat with them and then some other folks came by too and we were all at the same table. Took up a good chunk of our evening, telling stories and catching up. On the way home H said "that was a nice evening." Yup folks, believe it or not!

The journey has been long, and I think it's safe now to say the good times are outnumbering the rest of what I think is in the past.

[BeingMe]

I am so happy to hear about your trip and how well it turned out, WCW.

I dreamt the other night that my H said, "I do love you ... I'm just messed up." My brain was wishful dreaming. You and I are more or less on a par ... I beat you by a few months. For me, it's been an up and down journey, as I'm sure for you too. I don't know why I stood. I didn't with my first M ... in fact, I was the one who left (it was an abusive R).

I wish for more of these interactions for you, my friend.

[WCW]

Originally Posted By: WCW

I agree with Beatrice, the destruction goes far beyond the relationship of being husband and wife. Depending on how the LBS handled the mlc'r, so many other people/friends/family have been affected as well. [quote]


[quote] Posted by: beatrice
I don't think the destruction depends on how the LBS handled the MLCer. That places a responsibility on the LBS which actually lies with the MLCer. They often treat their family and friends with total contempt and great unkindness. There is NOTHING that the LBS can do about that. We are already carrying a great burden, especially if we have children, being a single parent. I try to behave with kindness and dignity, but I am not responsible for the destruction which my xh caused.

beatrice, I brought this to my own thread, if you happen to stop by ok. So now I disagree with you. Remember each of our sitchs are different with many similarities. In my own, my H was usually good to my family, his family, friends, it was only me that he hated. In the beginning I did make that worse, I deepened his new hate for me by my actions. Had I learned quicker and sooner how to deal with mlc/mlc'r I would have had a lot less bumps that made my life go and down. That is why I say the LBS(me and likely others) could make the destruction worse, or not as worse.
I carried a lot of the burden during H's mlc, and still do, along with much of the rest of life. I do think I had a lot of responsibility in fueling his mlc and his hatred to me.
- - - - - -

H and I saw a couple today having M problems and currently separated. It was an internal head shaker for me when H nudged me and pointed to his ring finger, signaling me to notice they had both removed their wedding rings. H has never said a word to me about my wedding ring missing from my finger. As the world go round......

[job]

WCW,
Looks like things are finally looking up for you and your h. It takes a long time for them to settle/land back on earth.

I'm very happy for you!

[kat727]

Does your h wear his ring? Just wondering. Glad things are becoming normal again. come see pics of my puppy. I posted 3 new ones.

kat

[NNP1965]

and did you get rid of the couch?

[BeingMe]

Oh yeah, the couch! I laughed so much over that couch. Is it gone?

[beatrice]

Clearly it depends on individual situations. I do wonder if those who come back actually have less severe MLC - I am not trying to trivialise what any of us goes through. I must sound very arrogant, but I did nothing that I am aware of to deepen my h's new hate. I have examined my conscience repeatedly, and come away shaking my head. Your post caused me once again to question 'what could I have done differently?' Some things I perhaps would have handled differently - was I right to oppose the divorce for example? but I am left with the conclusion in my case that there is nothing I could have done to bring him home.

My xh is now on his second OW, and back to spewing at me. It has been a very hard time for me and the children. He has been venomous at times to his [adult] children, and reduced my lovely dil to tears on more than one occasion. He has distanced himself from all his old friends except a couple of gay men who supported his decision to leave me. And even they now shake their heads.

My dil had a very abusive father, and my xh made common cause with him to try and persuade my son that my dil was mentally disturbed, just to give an example. I don't dwell on this, and recognise he is very disturbed, but it hurt my eldest son and his wife tremendously, because it was done so covertly, without checking any of the facts about the real abuse my dil suffered.

It would be painful to find out that I could have done it differently, but if I could have I would still rather know. I am weeping again as I write this at the sadness and loss. He was a wonderful husband and father for so many years, and then he flipped out. To think I might have done something that could have saved us so much of this . . . . .

[WenikiTiki]

Dear WCW,

I need to go read your old threads. I got a lot out of this one, so thanks.

Beatrice wonders if those who come back have less severe MLC. I am wondering how I can have been so blind since 1999. Maybe my H's MLC isn't severe, just long-term? I don't know if MLC is that clear.

WCW, you say 7 years since certain things have happened. That is a long time. If you want a more physical relationship you may have to make some changes. Don't settle on less for YOU!

It sounds like things are starting to click for you. But you want more. Are you reading SSM?

I am looking forward to learning the story behind the couch!

Aloha,

Wendy

[seeking answers]

WCW,

Just wanted to let you know that I did read everyone of your threads. You've really been through it and I admire your strength and commitment because I know a lot of that could not have been easy.

I truly hope your H has/will come all the way back. You deserve no less.

God bless