Wife in "D - Freight Train Mode"

[keep_going]

GM -
I hope you don't think I am highjacking your thread, but I wanted to go back to your comment re. Crazyville's post on Crimson's thread and ask her something here, if I may, since you brought it up.

Crazyville -
I first want to THANK YOU for sharing your feelings so openly with us - I admire your courage.
I truly CHERISH reading the WAWs perspective anytime I can find anyone sharing like you, because it grounds me and keeps me in check.

I do have a question about your post. I am not understanding it very clearly, and would appreciate any further insight you can bring to this issue of GAL. I am copying the section of your post here.

You said:
"As I watched my H on Sunday take our son out to go look at which raquetball club to join, it did nothing to endear me to him. In fact, I made a point to work on my GAL in response. Neither of our efforts to GAL will translate into our married life. It would have been entirely different if he were investing his time in learning about gardening, since that's something I enjoy and we could ultimately do together given a reconciliation of the marriage. Or taking a cooking class that we would both benefit from ultimately. Since I don't play racquetball, I feel like he's actually investing in a GAL that doesn't include me. If he's not investing in me, why should I consider investing in him?

I completely get the concept that a depressed, needy, whiney ex is not appealing to a WAS. But neither is a happy, healthy, lively person that shares none of my interests. In addition, seeing a your spouse go on with life as usual -- or even better -- after you leave doesn't incent me to want to work at it."

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The way I understand this DB principle of GAL, we should GAL for ourselves, (I actually understand DBing as something we do for ourselves first and to then try to save our M second). As we find our own happiness and take care of ourselves, our spouse may then become interested and want to re-connect with us.

Is it that you don't agree with GAL as something we do for ourselves, or is it that in your specific sitch, the issue is more a difference of personalities and interests with your H rather than his GAL attitude?

I do understand that your H MUST make changes and show a willingness to work on your R. So I totally understand why you are so put off by him falling asleep when reading a R book, or when he doesn't follow thru with spending quality time with you and talking with you, as you mentioned in another part of your post. I am completely there with you.

But what I am a bit confused about is the GAL activities that he does to also become a better dad or if he does things that make himself happy. I bring it up because a lot of my personal GAL is about things that make ME happy. Things that I left behind throughout the years and that are part of who I am and I believe, the woman my H originally fell in love with. I am trying to regain myself, so therefore, my focus on my own GAL activities. Is that wrong? Am I misreading your post?

I'd love to hear more about it from your perspective. It is so valuable to me to get some insight into what you think and feel so I can understand my H's own process a bit better. I hope you don't feel like I am attacking you or questioning your feelings. I mean no disrespect! I am just confused and really can use some help in trying to figure out my own messed up mind.

THANK YOU!