Young and the restless? No it's Older and Patient

[Seminolewind]

Well I haven’t posted for a while and the last time I said anything about my thoughts Jack stickied my post. Well I guess I want to just have a regular thread so I can give my thoughts and maybe a little of your prospective.

Update:

I am officially a Grandpa and my D18 and Grandbaby are home and healthy thank goodness. I haven’t broken a hip yet and I just ordered a case each of Metamucil and Ensure to help cope with my new Grand parenting duties. Becoming a grandfather brought out several emotions from my past when I became a father. Actually it kind of made me feel the exact same way. I don’t really know how to explain how it felt, I know I liked the feeling. I might be a little biased but that baby is beautiful.

A few days before Christmas I received an e-mail from my Ex and this is what it said. D12 was telling me that you're going to your sisters for Chirstmas Eve. I was hoping to let the kids open their gifts, maybe have a meal together. D12 asked me to cook a ham. Can I plan on seeing them for Christmas Day? If you have another suggestion, feel free to share. If D18 doesn't want to take Grand D out, I can bring her gifts to her at your house. The weather is supposed to get nasty soon. On second thought, I'll just bring their gifts over on Christmas to your house. Sometime mid-morning. Is that ok? I'm sure other relatives may want to see them as well.

My Reply: That will be fine. D12 asked me to make a ham also and that was my plan.

I didn’t read anything into the e-mail other than she kind of invited herself over for Christmas. I did find the e-mail written much different than she normally writes.

Our Christmas was good and I made it the best that I could for my girls. The girls and I made a nice Christmas meal on Christmas eve for my sister and her family and they all came to my house and we enjoyed the day. My D12 was up at 5:30 Christmas morning and I was tired and told her we needed to wait until the baby woke up before we could have Christmas. She was a little disappointed and crawled in bed with me and fell back asleep. She heard the baby cry about 7:00 and bolted out of bed I was already up and loved the excitement. My ex hasn’t been around our Grand D much because the baby lives in my house and I think she is kind of still fighting the thought of being a Grandparent. The ex came over and had her Christmas with the girls. Before my D18 and her BF had to go over to his parents house, my ex and I gave the Grand D a bath. It was kind of strange that the ex seems to have forgotten how to give a baby a bath and I have done this several times with my D18 just trying to teach her the proper way to give the baby a bath. About an hour after my ex left my house my exMIL called me and was just excited about her daughter and I giving the baby a bath. She sounded as if it was the highlight of her and my ex’s day. I found that rather interesting that the ex even told her mom. I know my ex’s family doesn’t like that we are divorced and they don’t like the things that have happened. They have supported me and been very generous towards me through the divorce. I am very thankful, they could have just as easily kicked me to the curb like I see in so many scenario’s on these boards.

A week ago I went to a basket ball game my D12 was cheering at and as I walked in I seen my ex and she motioned me over to sit by her. I have been to several games and she has never really acted like I had existed before. I sat by her and we talked about the girls and some troubles we are both having with D18’s boyfriend which is another drama fest.

Well the day before yesterday my exFIL called me and made it a point to let me know that my ex has broken off her relationship with OM. I don’t want to read anything into this and I have heard this before and I just keep on keeping on with my life.

Over the last few days I have been getting several e-mails, texts, and phone calls. Yesterday was two calls that kind of made my ear hurt from being on the phone so long.

I found it interesting when she asked what I was doing last night and I told her that I had just finished cooking fajita’s and Spanish rice she seemed very jealous. She even suggested that she had some items that would go great with a meal like that next time.

I don’t really have any expectations, I just know that this has been the most my ex has talked to me in about a year. I will say that I like the non spewing version of my ex better.

These are my questions: Is this behavior odd? Is this maybe a start of peeking out of the tunnel? I know I am not the sharpest when it comes to understanding a lot of these things and obviously the things I have learned from others on this board have opened my eyes. Thanks for your time.

[cat04]

Seminole,

While I remember you, it has been a while and I honestly don't remember the details of your sitch.

So I am going to do this blindly, because TBH, I don't have the time to go back through your threads right now...

First, congrats on the grand baby. I know that is exciting.

Now, as for X, I don't think I would worry too much about whether she is peeking out of the tunnel or not.

Personally, at this point, I would look at this as what it is...

Two proud parents/grandparents sharing something special.

If something were to come of that, then it does.

If it doesn't, it doesn't...

You have been doing very well. Would you even be interested in a R with your X at this point?

If your answer is yes, then keep your eyes and ears open for the MLC garbage so that you will be able to tell what is going on...

Also keep in mind that it would be a new relationship.

You two have been apart for a while now. You are different people. Both of you. It really would be the start of something new, even though it is with someone familiar.

If your answer is no, then just keep on, maybe just forming a friendship at her direction.

Either way, it sounds like your overall relationship could possibly be improving which is a good thing in terms of the "family" unit.

My STBX, while still in MLC land, has made efforts to be my friend. He has made efforts to be supportive when I have needed it, to talk to me and even confide in me. To the extent that he has even said we will always be family even though we are not going to be a couple. In many ways, he is right. We share a child. We will share grandchildren (I hope). We have neices and nephews and cousins that were family for a long long time. Just because our feelings for each other changed, it doesn't mean that we still don't care about the extended families. Those relationships will benefit from the two of us being able to genuinely get along.

Keep posting, others should be along eventually...chickens...

[Seminolewind]

Thanks Cat!

I needed that response to give me a little push. I don’t think others are chicken, my story is jumbled and when I first found this place I was a mess. I look back at my old posts and think wow you were a steaming pile of dung in those days. I took a long break from posting to work on myself and I needed to get out of the fog. It has really helped me find myself. I also am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. My old motto was good things come to those that wait. I readopted those and have been living in that mode again.

I think because the drama/spewing has eased and the nice has lasted more than one day then hearing she dumped her knight in shining armor. I know I shouldn’t read anything into what is now happening. Maybe I had some backsliding on my progress or just some stirring of old emotions. I don’t really know if I would consider taking her back. I don’t even know how I feel about standing for marriage anymore. I have days that I think we had a great thing going and then I think it must not have been that great. The person she was and the person she became are opposites.

I think about some of the things she told me when the bomb dropped like “Why did I let her get old” “I deprived her of a third child” and I say to myself I can’t slow down time. On the third child while we were deciding if we should or shouldn’t she got a very aggressive cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. Those things I feel were out of my control and I take responsibility for being lazy and taking things for granted.

I am a very independent person and I know that I deserve the best in whatever happens in my next journey. Now I look out for my kids and myself. I like me and I like how much I have grown. I still have many things that I need to learn about me and maybe some of those answers to the questions I have will just fall in my lap eventually.

I am going to try and post more often and maybe it will help me find the answers I am looking for.

Thanks for your input.

[~ kd ~]

I guess I'm back to posting again... at least for now... I don't know if I really want to post such a long comment, but I'll leave it stand as it is...

I laughed hard at your post, cat... I wanted to respond with, "I'm not chicken, I was just waiting for the person with the fantastic answer to post, and there it was..."

Sem, while my sitch is moving towards D, my W has also stopped much of the spew. From the beginning of Dec which still had much of it (over my inability to spend more time with the kids) to where my W is quite pleasant, sending me job prospects, offers to spend time together (kid related, yet unnecessary).

I have also seen some strong indicators to suggest that my W, while possibly on the prowl, is no longer enraptured by any particular "knight".

My take is that although they are being "nice", it doesn't mean their position is softening. Aside from the indicators that my W has no strong OM influence in her life ATM, she is also very focused on being self reliant and "single". This can be seen as a positive factor.

Your question of not being sure about whether you want your W in your life is really important, IMHO. I don't know how things will turn out in the future for me, but I do understand that based on other separations that are long term... sometimes when the time comes that one spouse "needs" the D, that is when the other spouse begins to resist it. And this appears as often as not, the WAS who resists.

My "window" might be right now, to file D. As soon as my W signs the SA and we have things legally and formally split, my W may be very open to the D paperwork. Having previously been resistant to it, not addressing it, and choosing an SA (something she claimed she wouldn't do) over the D. I understand how that was the path she chose, it just seems odd for someone who indicated that she "doesn't feel M".

Anyhow, the point is my W said to me in Nov. last year that she would "find my peace once things are settled between us." As my eyes have opened (or my original concerns about my W, from when we were engaged) to whom my W is, or has become... I really don't know that I want to be M to her... to someone with her characters. For one reason or another, I have not pursued any new R with anyone, but once the SA is done, I am interested in doing so. I do not know how my W will react, but I DO know that my W has been the jealous type. She might have no problems with the idea, but then... she may attempt to interfere...

It's neither here nor there, but I don't like being trapped. So I might be better off filing so that at least, there is no legal interference.

I do not know if I want to rebuild or form any new R with my W. I'd have to get to know her, again. It was by chance in many ways, that we got together in the first place. Expectations of others, in some ways. She was not someone I saw myself with or saw myself pursuing... That is where I am, now... I really feel as though, at this time, I am only contemplating rec because of the kids... and that's not fair to anyone...

So I guess what I'm saying is, I think I understand how you feel. Questioning what I want now... what goals I have for the future... and trying to decide if this person is someone I want to be with... if I even would, without ulterior motives...

I can only say, embrace your mantras. Don't force things, you'll just hurt yourself. Let things happen organically. If things happen for a reason... if good things come to those who wait... then just go with the flow, live your life, and good things will happen for you... and reasons will bring to you things which you can learn from...

Live life to it's fullest!

[cat04]

I laughed hard at your post, cat... I wanted to respond with, "I'm not chicken, I was just waiting for the person with the fantastic answer to post, and there it was..."

Kaffe,

That is exactly what others were thinking as well...

None of us have the perfect answer...

Someone has to be first and there is no reason that anyone on this board shouldn't be...

My take is that although they are being "nice", it doesn't mean their position is softening.

Until they actually say their position is changing, this is a safe assumption.

Sem,

Keep posting, sort your thoughts out.

I remember that you were in a bad place which is why I loved the post that Jack stickied. Your growth is amazing.

The chickens that I was referring to, well, it was a tease, they know who they are and any of them could have said exactly what I did. I am sure that they thought it.

Sometimes it's hard to say "stay the course" to someone because it seems like you are trying to take away their hope. No one wants to do that to someone else. Sometimes the best course of action is simply to do nothing.

I also think a lot of the vets get a little nervous when people ask about "peeking" out of the tunnel because so many of us have seen the "touch and gos" and they are disheartening to a degree.

Although they are also reminders that the person we once loved wasn't just a figment of our imagination...

Anyway, I'm off to do some reading.

[Seminolewind]

Well as it happens to several people on this board I got sucked back in and thrown out to dry all in one weekend. As it turns out my ex is a very jealous person. Imagine that! I went out to a bar a week ago and my ex just happened to be there also. I was dancing with a lady that I met that night nothing serious just some fun. I honestly had no intentions of dating this woman I was just out for a good time.

Fast forward to Friday night. My ex starts texting me and asking me questions about who I am dating and what I have been doing. She then asks me to meet her so we could talk about my D18. D18 moved out of my house Friday and in with her BF also I think she has quit school. When it rains it pours. Anyway my ex tells me how hurt she was by watching me dance with this woman. I probably not very DB wise said "do you think it hurt when I seen you out with the OM? She said if it was like a kick to the stomach. I told her that it had felt the same to me. We ended up staying the night together Friday. I know not my best decision in life and all I can say is stuff happens. I talked to her a little on Saturday just about D18, then last night she stays with me again. She tells me that she is going to start dating a guy that I know. He is pretty much bottom of the barrel. I told her that I thought she was making a mistake and that I hope she wakes up one day.

The good news is I am fine with her dating this guy. It does hurt a little but I know she isn't fully baked yet. She is the only one that will ever be able to figure herself out. The weird thing is this guy knows we stayed together Friday night he is a friend of a friend and she asked me to not let anyone know we stayed together last night. They were together at a super bowl party and that must of been where this all came from. I guess the MLCer lives to start out relationships based on lies.

This just showed me how much they really are confused. She can tell me that she will always love me and hates that I know her so well. This is just another day in my soap opera and the best thing is that I am so happy I am detached.

I need to figure out if I should stand or just move on. I seen a little of the old her and at least there wasn't any anger. I let her get to me a little and it was my fault thinking maybe I was seeing a start of something new.

Have a good day!

[WenikiTiki]

Like I keep saying, the official MLC mascot should be the PushMePullYou from Dr. Doolittle!

[Kimmerz]

In my opinion I think the MLCer is in a constant state of testing the waters in every direction they go. I think a part of them still very much wants to remain with us, yet they can't deny their feelings to move in other directions. I recall this feeling towards my xh when I was 18 years old. Mind you, I was 18. A little more appropriate than 41, but the basis is the same. I guess what's so humbling is that everything I see my xh go through and what we've talked about, I did go through at 18 - 21 years old during our first 3 years together before getting married. I don't recall him going through all that. But now he is.

Perhaps all the anger, spew, push - pull is more age appropriate for the MLCer. At 18 years of age, most of us don't have such and investment in the relationship. No marriage vows, children, houses, cars, assets,and many years together. With that involved, and then the MLCer needing to work out issues from their youth, the push pull that goes on in their very own minds must be torture.

Maybe that's why they still want us in the back ground. Very much like a child that needs to go out on their own but always needs to know they can come back and be loved. What's severly lacking in my opinion is emotional maturity, and accepting and acknowledging what the hell their doing to their families in the process.

[Seminolewind]

As far as all the stuff that happened over the weekend, I have been upset with myself for not seeing that my ex is still deep in MLC. The funny thing is she truly showed me the person that I missed on Friday. I kind of feel stupid for showing her I was still an option. I think because we have been apart for so long, she was being honest with me and that should fall on my lap for not paying attention. In life we live and learn or we just tread water. Well I tread a little water over the weekend and I am ready to live again. I don’t think this is going to make me change direction. I have plenty to be thankful for in life.

To be honest today I feel God is trying to show me that maybe I have more to learn. I wish it was easier to see the mistakes you are making in life.

I see the things that happened over the weekend as just a bump in the road. I will say I did learn something out of this and that is I still have plenty to learn.

I wonder why they do test the water? I really have a feeling that they are trying to pollute our mind. Did I scare her that I could possibly be lost for good? I think she thought I would just wait in the back ground and not move forward with my life. I never told her that I was at the point of no longer standing. Can the MLCer actually see that we are moving on and not looking back?

Those things have me kind of confused today.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Seminolewind!

I was reading your current thread with great intrest. My H seems to be waking up from some of his silliness. Which to me means watch out for the rebound feelings.

I am working on keeping my expectations at zero, enjoying the peeks, and now longer glimpses of my H acting like himself and hoping for the best.

Hope you get some clarity!