Separation, Settlement, or Servellience?

[Yasu]

I am entering my fourth year of separation. To a good degree, I avoided many of the some mistakes such as crying, begging, pleading, and following. However, my clinginess was displayed in my method of extending phone calls in an attempt to discuss/bargain about the R, although he made it clear he thought we should "move on." Once I learned about the 180's, I did my darnest to avoid my paritular triggers.

During this protraced divorce process, there have been long periods of NC. However, early on, and even up until mid-way through, I did detect the positive movement signs (baby steps) that are discussed DB/DR, as well as numerous samples of which are detailed throughout th BB, which I have throughly researched. Unfortunately, I did not recognize these positive signs, and surely trampled over them with my anger over the OM I have seen him with.

One of the last signs of interest occurred as I was exitin the grocery store - he appeared in his BMW X5 SUV he had recently acquired. I pretended I did not recognize him, and continued to my car to unload my groceries (looking very fine in a darn shaft mini-skirt). I'm sure he didn't expect me to know the vehicle, as they all look alike, especially the silver ones. But he failed to comprehend how recognizable his little bald Greek head is in profile - a dead giveaway). Can you believe he sat there and watched every move, even my returning the cart to the stall. Later, when I got home, put the groceries up, feed the dogs, and sat down to relax in the front room, his SUV was parked across the street, with the blue dims slight on. That was April 2011.

And yes, I know every precise detail of that vehicle. I've seen it by the house before. I believe he drove by last week when I returned to this house after a long time away.

The "following" and nightly "stalking" is his style. He has hired people to do it. It used to intimate me so bad that I had to be extra medicated. Last August, I saw yet another one of these cars (not his) sitting in front of my house, backwards on the street, with low beams on. My assistant was in the basement on the phone trying to get my wireless hooked up, so, of course his car was in the driveway.

There had been an event a few days earlier in the afternoon while I was retrieving my mail - where a man drove up and snapped photographs of me. So, I expect, I just lost it at that point. (This has happened to me so many times that I was beginning to think people didn't believe me). I went out the back way, with my camera, and snuck behind the car, he heard me, and I fell as he took off - my nose hitting his bumper. I still got up and ran downhill on the street barefoot after him, and I totally wiped out, head and nose first, my feet folded backwards, and every joint took a good beating and I rolled a time or two, before stopping. He saw I was hurt, and slowed down. Even with stars circling over my head from the extreme pain in my face and body, I knew I had to get up and get the photos (than God I held that camera up in the air! My elbow is still paying for that!). I caught up to him, and I got all the photos. Tags, vin, and a nice big photo of his mug. You know what he said? "Lady, there ain't nothing you can do about it."when I went to the police (4 days later), I found out this guy was right. Isn't that a nice story?

So, I learned a big lesson from that episode. Just ignore the surveillance cars. These are just his friends. And I'm sure that particular guy will never come back here.

So, I did scream at his answering machine about this. But then, I went totally Black as Midnight. I even left the home after about 30 days once I healed somewhat. I began working full time restoring the rental house and hour and 45 min. away. Although I was not able to help very much, someone needed to be there to supervise. I came home
for my doctor appointments regularly, to check the house, and get the mail.

I had considered moving to the rental, and really gave it and the town a chance, but I knew for a number of reasons, I could not be happy with that option. Once I got home, there was refinement a drive-by the first or second evening. Another odd thing is that he is extremely late in sending my check which was due on the 17 (it's the 6). I sent him the bills he is supposed to pay, they are not paid. But it is the check that is a big problem to me as my funds and credit have been depleted on the restoration of the
rental. I felt in the ackward position to break NC, and leave a message about this. Had to do that a couple weeks ago because of calls from mortgage company.

Other than that - I went Sept., Oct., Nov., Dec., and Jan., with NC. Recently the attorneys started chatting again. They made an offer to us for me to stay at the rental. We made our very first offer back (180), as for once, they showed some forward movement in comprehending the worth of our assets. They counter offered, and we are now countering their unreasonable counter. Well, the offers are so much better than they were a couple years back.

So. How do you DB with this?

We have been married for 27 years, together for 32. I am 55, he is about to turn 59.

He refused to have sex with me for a few years before we separated. He abandoned me twice in his country while going on vacation. First time on arrival, in the airport. We patched it up, bought the successful business he wanted as planned. Went on another trip to his country again, had what I thought was a good time, and on the way back from the island, he got angry, pulled over, and verbally tore me to shreads, while I sat paralyzed on a huge rock along the seaside. A friend overheard his screaming and painful stabs - and told me to get to a public place, and I walked to a little outdoor cafe. He came in the cafe with my bag and whipped at me, took the rental car, and left.

I did not come home for three months. It took that long, with my Doctor's telephone supervision, to get some semblence of sanity after that second abandonment. The
marriage was over as far as I was concerned. But once I got home, he wanted me. But once he got me, he wanted a divorce, and, as I saw from the phone records he had been in touch with an attorney for some time, I asked him to leave, and stay in another home that we have, which he did.

I later came to learn he was hiding money in an alternate bank account. Common sense finially dictated to me that he had to have someone on the side, as he had refused every possible service from me. Once apart, I did see him with a certain young lady on a few occasions, once, very close up, with both convertible tops down. When I brought it to his attention, he told me I did not really see that.

Another interesting note, before the abandonment bomb, I recall an afternoon where he stated to me, "I am a bad, bad husband.". Followed up by, "I'm just trying to keep the family together."

I noticed he purchased a t-shirt overseas fo a two year old. Post-bomb, he made two interesting acknoledments.

A) I quized him, pretending I already knew about the OW long before the fatal trip, and he slipped by stating "It was your fault, you should have told me to stopseeing her." (busted).

B) he told me I would find out something after everything is over.

Then, naturally, I've gotten the "you can't prove it" dialogue.

The hardest thing during this divorce process has been making my foreign husband understand that I contributed to the assets that purchased the business. I worked all my life, out-earning him. Now the tables are turned. His earning are x5 plus. I have a disability income. Since I returned to this country, my diagnosis has gone from extreme anxiety/depression to now bi-polar 2. My new doctor tells me a crisis can bring this about is one with such a propensity.

I do still love my husband. I understand my contributions to the failures in the marriage after this much time and research I have conducted. But, he is not the type to do any reading or study, just gut. I don't know how to get thru to him other than what I've done thus far.

Perhaps, as he sees now that my side is willing to now propose offers to him, that is a 180. Is there some sort of game he is playing by not sending my funds at the proper time?

Perhaps is also a 180 that I paid to revamp the rental myself, and asked him for nothing. This is very long, but so too is a 27 year marriage. I am afraid with this new illness. I am not exactly happy about it - and it's obvious cause.

These three homes we have are milked and up-side-down. The picture does not look to hopeful too me, and I feel myself slipping again into deep depression. Thank you for reading. Yas

[Yasu]

Oh Dear, such a long post, and so many typos. For the record, it was an OW (although I have not ruled out an OM), and too, a short skirt. Just now learning the site. Please excuse my fumbling with an iPhone! I surely hope to get some responses and a little team to guide me. Thank you, Yas

[~ kd ~]

Hi Yas, do you have kids together?

Quite a story you have. Big question here, what do you want? Do you want to save your M or are you just wanting to get through this and come out the other side a better person?

It does sound like there's some cultural profiling that could be going on with your H. You indicate that you out earned him in the beginning of the M. Why the change in his earnings? Is this simply because the business is very successful? Is he sole owner or are you listed as co-owner?

What are some GAL activities and 180s that you are doing?

[Yasu]

Wow, I hit the jackpot - I have read many of your interesting posts (and challenges) Kaffe Deim.

Firstly, there are no children.

GAL

1. Made new friends in the area
2. Revamped Rental Home over Last 6 months (he said I didn't care about it)
3. Made numerous friends in that neighborhood.
4. Rock'in, kick'in, hairstyle
5. Lost tremendous amount of weight too much). Drugs put some back on. Little needs to come off now.
6. Went from ankle length dresses to short mini skirts and low-riders. (have to take a break from the low rider right now).
7. Got a new puppy (my dog was showing my depression). He helped both of us get up off our buts.
8. Never leave house without looking great.
9. Changed vanity tag on car from a Greek word to "OSUPHD" - which represents "me" for a change!
10. I am developing the research design (historical/oral history methodologies)
for a book regarding a master printmaker that died last year, who was also a mentor of mine. This project has put me in contact with people all over the country. I hope to attract art historians that I know to contribute chapters. It is sort of the first intellectual project I have been interested in since I stopped teaching in 2000. I haven't really done anything but think about it and email old contacts regarding their interest. Such things are not money makers, I'm sure you know that.
11.have been absolutely midnight black since mid August, after my accident. I left a VM in September about an insurance matter, that's it.
12. We made our First Settlement Offer in November, countering one of their offers (which had made some reasonable movement. We did not date ours, as they do. Some 49 days went by before we received a counter, which of course we are countering at this time.

Goals:
1. Get necessary attention for dogs (scheduled).
2. Improve house-keeping (became member of flylady).
3. Cut grocery store spending. (DOING GOOD)
4. Work myself up to the basic morning flylady ritual (wake, swish toilet, clean sink before bedtime, be dressed from head to toe - including shoes, 15 min. Per day assignment via email).
5. Re-establish tie at least with Mother
6. Re-establish tie with best friend (DONE).
7. Get rental rented.
8. Get computer in house working again.

There you have it. Most recently, I left a very friendly VM asking husband to forward check that is extremely late, and pay bills that I sent him, with prepared envelopes and my portion of payment. The bills I sent a week and a half ago, I think. His check was due on the 17. I was only able to make a partial payment on my AmEx, and they are going to pull the balance on the 15 - so, I. Like need him to give me that money. I think the VM was sufficient on that matter.

I suppose, the latest LRT, is the final one you can use. I really have no other choice but to submit to the divorce settlement, since his offers are somewhat realistic at this time. It has taken over three years to get him to understand that a portion of the business is mine - but I think he is now clear on that fact. By being disagreeable, the process has become protracted and. Insanely expensive. This is on him, as well as my legal fees, hopefully.

He did tell me before he left our home that he loved me, still loves me, and will always love me. If that is true, how in the world can you leave your wife on the seaside in a small Greek village, with only $400 US, at 6pm, without her medication and glasses, and a mal-functioning cell phone?

I have done nothing but give my husband outstanding service for 32 years.

Re: his income went up drastically because we bought the successful franchise restaurant where he had worked many years. Isn't it funny how mean he got after the sale went through? It took me two years to do the paperwork to buy that place. It was as difficult as writing a Ph.D. Dissertation on an unfamiliar and uninteresting topic. All he had to do was sign his name on documents I prepared. As far as running the restaurant - he is a hardworking, charismatic genus.

[Yasu]

Oh yes. What do I want?

I would like a new marriage with my husband. He knows how poorly he treated me. He knows how he emotionally neglected me. I would like a marriage do-over, as I would not accept such treatment again.

I have changed, I am not a doormat any longer. No longer will I allow that sort of abuse and anger to build up inside me where I actually have a panic attack response (he finds those uncomfortable). The best solution to a nasty attitude is to walk out the door and do something fun. This I know now. (before, I was scared to leave the house, and he discouraged me as well).

I am afraid to be alone. I do miss him terribly. I suppose I don't have experience with much else - I was comfortable, and secure with him. Even though I knew he was a liar - I thought it was just a pathological trait entrenched in him for various reasons. He couldn't fool me very easily - as I can read the "tells" on his face, and he is an easy mark for cross examination.

I know the areas that I need to improve, and have taken care of the visuals. He did say he felt I had given up on myself when I had to stop working. I lost my career due to being a whistle blower, and the retaliation at my job over the years did eventually make me sick. But, I was insured, and my income is not that much less, even though I am disabled. Now the matter is even more complicated with the bi-polar. Medication is working ok. But side effects are not so great.

Oh! The check just arrived in the mail. Why in the world did he have to wait till the sixth of Febuary to mail it? He has pleanty of dough. Hope I answered the questions, can't see much on this iPhone screen! Yas

[Yasu]

Everything is under his name, but we used to share the bank accounts. He removed my name from those accounts. Makes no difference. The judge, if necessary, in our state, will find an "equitable distribution" of the "family business.". In our settlement proposals, we simply ask for half.

Kaffe, I like what you said on another's newcomer's post. That describing how one might act if one were not interested in another. Simply, you would not be putting your best foot forward - nor would you care.

I have observed that in my husband, to the most painful extreme - almost as if on purpose, my attention was being directed to the behavior or comment with a
large foam finger.

Last we were in court, he glanced over to me, to check my reaction. Naturally, I was stunned by the entire performance, as was everyone in the courtroom. His anger and narcissistic reaction on the stand, with just a few simple question was textbook. I was actually ashamed - as normally I can prevent mishaps like this from occurring. Oh dear.

What am I to do? We are not in contact. If we did have a conversation, I know I could handle in a detached fashion, after all I have learned, and my time away from the environment where I, a bit too often, run into him in MY neighborhood, and deal with a high frequency of cars that happen to sit out in front of my house at odd times.

This did happen at the rental - but much less frequently. I just call the police and make a report. The last event at the rental was clearly meant to screw with my mind - which didn't work for long. I had received my new vanity plate, and had placed it in the kitchen window, outside, in the carport - to remind my helper to install for me the next day. Later that evening, I went out with the dogs, and the plate was turned up-side/down. As a perfectionist, anyone that knows me would know for sure something like that would rattle me - and it did.

I accused almost every possible person, and, thankfully, all of these people understand the extreme stress I am under. I called the police, made a report, and we turned the plate right-side-up again. And that was that. The next morning, I was pulling out of the carport to get a coffee at the gas station, and as I shifted in reverse, I looked up, and that plate had been reversed again. At that point, I just ignored it.

One theripist told me my husband would be thrilled if I committed suicide. This is so hard to wrap my head around. Another consideration is that there can possible be alternate explanation for SOME, not all, the sitings. Especially not the ones where he was in the his own car and I saw HIM with my two eyes. Or, when he knew of my activites which could only be learned by watching my home or tailing me.

What does all this mean? It is these little things that keep the momentum going in a way. Same as - not sending the check until Feb. 7th, instead of Jan. 17, when it was due. And, he really didn't hurry up about it - I left the VM last Friday the 3rd, the postmark was yesterday, the 6th. A little mild irritatant. The bills. Still are not paid - and showing past due. Those materials were received by him around the 27th of January.

What does this mean? Is there any hope in my sitch?

I will keep jounaling, as others do. So sorry my thoughts are not chronological - as I am scattered, there is no doubt about that. Yas

[Yasu]

Oh dear. This is the first time is a long stent since I felt that fluttering panic sensation - like you "just gotta do something.". I believe it's called an "extinguishment burst.". Luckily, I don't think I did any damage. Just a follow up VM:

thanking him for forwarding the check, and reminding him that the bills I sent in latter January are now past due. To call me if there is an issue with these bills, or leave a VM, or have someone else call me, to avoid services being shut off."

There has been confusion over these bills, and this month, I am expecting things to get back on track, as I can no longer afford to cover the bills he is responsible for. I got so aggravated last summer with the past dues, and his partial payments, that I just started paying myself on my AmEx while I was working on the rental. I cannot do it anymore, and must collect what he owes me next. I suppose with a letter from me first.

I am anxious, as I have not told my whole story in one place before. Most people would think I'm crazy to love this man I've been married to over half my life. Perhaps he is not the same man. This is entirely possible. But I really don't know.

He once said, just before we stopped talking, that since we had gone this far (with the divorce), we might as well go through with it. At that point, I definitely scared him off with some serious bargaining, and/or convincing (wrong). That is exactly what I meant in my first post. I have had a huge number of these positive statements - that I either ignored, or handled improperly (pre-Michelle).

I have terrible terrible anxiety, but I know it will pass. I am staying strong and will not falter. As a new member, I am being moderated, and they will indeed have their hands full with me.

[Yasu]

I meant to say in an earlier post, that I really see no other options but to submit to the "Settlement Proposal" Phase of the divorce process. As my attorney points out, our goal is to be cooperative, and they are showing forward, more realistic movement recently.

He has stalled the process thru either stubbornness, inexperience with the legal system, a language barrier, or indecisiveness - I do not know which, perhaps a combination. No matter which - it has driven my legal fees to such an exorborant amount, that there is no way I could ever recover. Thru continued cooperation, we hope to have him pay these fees. Our business certainly has the potential income to take of everything.

If a divorce is what he wants, a divorce is what he will get, I have never tried to stop any process, in fact I am the one that filed the divorce, as he was threatening me, and I knew for sure he had council. I had to protect my interests, as mentioned before - he removed my name from the business bank accounts and credit lines - effectively leaving me with the credit I had established in college.

His attorney threatened that he will put our case on a trial calendar last month. This route will obviously go thur the roof in expenses. Thus far, my side sees no way to prepare with depositions, and hopefully it would only be a bench trial. Still, with the caliber of attorneys we both have - the fees will be astronomical over a 3 day trial period. Worse case scenario is if his side starts scheduling depositions, as was once done last year, but canceled the last moniker (husband did not want to pay costs to depose me).

This has been the most hidious three plus years. I also have a history with some ten years of litigation, and an appeal that went as far as the US Supreme Court (they don't hear many cases, mine was one of 600 submitted that day).

The cases were regarding First Amendment, Free Speech, basically I was a whistle blower on my job at the University. I spoke on matters of concern. I also stood by a student that felt she was sexually harassed by a professor in the department. I received outstanding council on contingent eventually, and too, as an employee, I received supurb council for my defense when this professor sued me for "civil conspiracy.". That case was thrown out of court -
but it was six years of stress and mind-boggling preparation for trial.

Naturally, these matters took their toll on me. And I had to stop working, as it was becoming clear that My health was severly compromised from years of on-the-job discrimination and retalition. Not to mention, the polital fall-out from standing up to a University system.

I am out of my mind with this legal drama happening once again in my life. My husband has no idea what he is getting into. I myself have been deposed seven hours at a time, at least four perhaps five times. The Post Tramatic Stress since the filing has sent my health to he--.

I have never experienced such insomnia and mania in all the years of struggle with the university. My doctor attributes the start of my bi-polar and manic/more severe insomnia to the trama of the night I was abandoned in that small village in Greece. Never, in my life have I ever experienced any symptoms that come close to what I have now. It is the most frightening thing I
can imagine, and most troubling is the amount and type of medication necessary to control the worst symptoms. I will always hold him responsible for the development of this illness - although I am capable of forgiving him.

[Yasu]

Another day, another success at fighting the temptation to call him. It really is pathetic what I planned to say. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I just write it down here for all to see:

H, please don't think I am only concerned about financial matters. Of course, we miss you very much, and always hope to hear from you. Please call us. (I'm including the dog so lessen my vulnerability).

Puke. Does that just make you want to gag? Thank goodness I haven't done it. I noticed there is a full moon - and, perhaps that is sending me over the edge.

I complete 1/2 a goal today. One vet visit has been accomplished, albeit, a bit late. Other dog goes in Friday for neuter, comes home Saturday. This is a fairly big deal for me as I am very much a recluse. I came near canceling today - but didn't, hooray for me.

I am still being moderated. I have written on some other walls, as well. I really think I am going to enjoy this site. I wish I knew how to write those stats at the bottom, although it mortifies me to see how old I am (as I certainly don't look it). Can you imagine, a 32 year relationship over, 27 years of marriage, finished, a woman of 55 - having to start over, with this bi-polar crap?

Yes, give me a 2x4 for the anger I expressed about it. That's fine. I have come a long way from the "denial" stage. That's right, I refused to believe this diagnosis for some time. Eventually, through observational experience of the aftermath this issue can bring about, I started to come to terms with it. I sense now, I am moving towards being extremely depressed and fearful for my future alone with this issue. Probably some people would think this is no big deal. Feel free to 2x4 me. I'm just journaling here.

I hope someone can tell me something to do.

Idea A) I suppose, if I were advising, I would say use Michelle's "Do Nothing" strategy, at this point. Perhaps, after the doggy gets his operation, I should just get in the car, and hang out at the rental a while longer before it gets rented. What cha think?

Idea B) Another idea, would be to drop a cute photo in the mail of me and the dogs (one dog is new). What cha think of that idea?

I would tell anyone else, during a time when you are feeling desperate, or like "stirring the pot," that is the time to lay low.

[labug]

Yas, 2x4 coming so put on a hard hat...

I'm 55 and have been married for 33 years, together 36 and I don't consider myself finished! But it is a daunting prospect at times.

To put the info in your "signature" go to the top of this page and you will see My Stuff>click it>go to my profile>click it>go to the bottom where it says signature and enter the info.

I'll read the rest of your sitch now.