You know I don't think there is a 'better' life stage for MLC to happen either for us or our kids. While I am deeply grateful it didn't happen when the children were younger, the effects on late adolescents and young adults are devastating, and known to be devastating, from studies. They see a parent behaving with inappropriate sexuality, when they are exploring their own. They doubt their own ability to make successful long term relationships, and it disturbs them. They sort of understand what is happening, as much as any of us do. Their illusions are totally shattered. And for older men and women, we face a future alone, with little chance often of recovering our financial position. Someone posted to me that money isn't everything, and I agree. but I planned to the latter part of our together, and it was the separation of death that we planned our finances around, . . . a reasonable assumption after 30+ happy years
IB I simply do not know how you cope week after week having to face your h + OW making a public spectacle of themselves. I think your courage and dignity are beyond words. Most of us here, I believe would find a reason not to go to these games, but you stay in there, putting your son first, and setting a breathtaking example not only to your children, and all who see it, but to us here. Please never ever beat yourself up. The wound never has time to heal before it is ripped open again.
So it is always always tough and horrible, at any life stage.
Truly took about 4 days to "get over" seeing X and OW at S's game last Friday. Luckily no games this weekend - next game - Senior Night on February 14th - yep, Valentine's Day. Emotional. Would love to contact X and say "please leave OW at home and let S just enjoy without her presence. She has zero ownership in any of the activities and has no relationship with son. Oldest D came over tonight to help me with son's collage poster for the game. She said "you gave us a really great childhood." That was nice to hear.
I've thought a lot over the last few days about what son's life would be like today if his dad hadn't walked out. It's heartbreaking. I pray that this experience will influence him in a positive way when he decides to become a father and a husband. But he has missed out on a lot of stability and support. I am trying not to beat myself up or be too hard on myself - but the honest truth is I couldn't do it all. I could not replace his father - actually his best friend. But I've done my best and it is going to get better.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, You may not have been able to do everything for your son, but you did the best that you could and you know what? That means a heck of a lot to your son. You have been there for him and the rest of your family. You are a wise and stable influence in their lives.
As for the game on Valentine's Day, maybe cupid will put other plans in their heads and they'll go out for dinner, etc., and not show up for the game.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do think for the most part I have been a stable influence - I've tried to maintain a lot of the routines, values, expectations, etc. However, I don't feel as though I have been strong enough (physically, mentally, emotionally) to do everything I wanted to do. For that I will always have regrets. I really want to be a support to him, as well as his sisters, when they are married with kids. I haven't had the support of parents or in-laws and I hope I can be to them.
I plan to enjoy V-Day and son's senior night.
Some exciting news today...a grant application I wrote for work was actually funded to the tune of $1 million dollars! It's been a while since I've had that kind of validation at work and it felt good. My boss was recently fired, as well as the CFO - so it's been a very tough environment. This news lifted a lot of spirits.
Oh well, back to work on the scrapbook collage for senior night. First time in a long time that I've enjoyed crafting.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB if you have regrets that you didn't do everything you wanted to do to be strong enough, then you set your bar to an impossible height. Seriously.
There are a lot of really good books on overcoming perfectionism. You are a perfectionist (takes one to know one!) and you have too high of standards for yourself. You cannot reach them. No one can.
Someone here said to me that they bet I didn't place such a high bar for other people and that's true. Try to think about what you would say is acceptable or "enough" for a friend of yours, and I bet you it's less than what you think you personally should achieve, and try to bring your goals in line with the more realistic expectations you have for other people.
If there is one thing everyone has said to you over and over, it's that you are far too hard on yourself. About a month or so ago when I went back to work and got all these migraines, I realized that I was doing the same thing, and I really got rid of my focus on XH and just looked at how tough I was on me--and realized that I needed very much to "work" at cutting myself a break.
Focus on treating yourself with more compassion and care, taking more time for you, taking time to, when you say things like "I will always have regrets", to say to yourself STOP IB, you will NOT have regrets because you did X, Y, and Z, and you must take pride in how hard you worked and in what you accomplished.
Start to pay close attention to when you use language that is self-defeating and always have a personal comeback for it that reverses it and affirms the good you have done.
You can learn a new way to think about yourself that isn't so demoralizing.
And the work thing you did? That's amazing....I've never heard of someone writing a grant that was funded to that high of an amount of money. You should take yourself out to dinner for that accomplishment!
Also very glad to hear you are back to your crafts...I've recently gotten back into them too and really, when little things like this start falling into place you will realize that much of your life is right where you left it :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia - thanks for the response. Perfectionism is a HUGE problem for me - it stops me from doing so many things I would like to try - especially crafting. I honestly end up feeling so overwhelmed - so I just don't. Trying to get over it. And you are right. I have almost zero expectations of others. Just me. Need to get over that too.
Glad to hear you are getting back to crafting as well. You have such a talent for writing - I'm sure you are creative in many ways:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Congratulations on the grant application! That's wonderful news and you should be very proud of yourself.
Irish, I'm glad to see that you know you've set your expectation for yourself at a very high level. It's difficult, but you need to drop your expectation level down a few notches. Nothing is perfect in life and that's the beauty of it...you can make mistakes and learn from them. I always say to people, mistakes are to be made so that you can learn from them and that's why God made erasers. Please do not be afraid of making a mistake. When working with crafts, we all make mistakes....
BTW, you have a lifetime to do the things that you wanted to do. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is our lives...live each day to the fullest and if you are unable to accomplish everything in a day, carry it over to the next...you have been and are very hard on yourself. It's time to re-evaluate how you want to move forward. Slow down your pace a little bit, enjoy the time w/your family and it's time to start up your crafting again. I think you'll find it's very comforting to complete your crafts and you will be very proud of your finished products!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, You are one of the kindest people I have ever "met" ! Thank you for your continued words of encouragement. You will NEVER know how much it helps! Irish
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, You can do this! Take a look at what you think you need to accomplish today and see what is really, really important and do those items. I use to be the type of person that I had to get everything done in one day. After the xh left, I had to "relearn" what my expectations would be for myself. Guess what, everything that I had identified to be accomplished in one day really wasn't all that important. I learned how to select those tasks that had to be really done that day and did them. The other tasks...well, tomorrow is another day.
We felt that we had to be super women/men in our marriages because that's what we thought they expected of us, as well as the world around us. But, after a crisis such as we we have experienced, it gives us the time to re-evaluate our lives as well and this is the time to "weed" out all of the "must dos" that should be labeled "dos at a later date/time".
Give yourself the gift of "me" time once in a while. You will discover that the "me" time gives you an added boost to tackle those difficult tasks that you know you need to absolutely do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.