WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Before my W moved out, I had a few days where I was ready for her to go

I have that moment at least three to four times a day. I know nothing will change in the immediate, so let's just get this over with, won't we? The boxes, the packing, the conversations between my W and the kids about what color to paint a room and so on is very wearing. I am ready for that part to be over with.

Then on the day of, I cracked in a bad way. It was a pretty ugly emotional scene.

I am worried about this, I'll be honest. Not this coming Friday, but the next one will be the last time she "lives" here. She'll leave for work that morning and I'll be home with kids since they don't have school that day. When she leaves for work... that'll be it. When S and I get back from our weekend trip I'll drop him off at the rental house and he'll spend his first night there. And I'll come home to an empty house. I have the next day off from work. My plan is to have breakfast with S at his school, spend some time in his classroom and then go home and start picking up and cleaning the house from the aftermath of the move.

As much as I'd like to say I haven't played that Friday morning through in my head... I have. I want to be strong and confident and stolid. I want to simply tell her good luck in the new place, see you Sunday and do it without a tear or a sniffle. But I can't even type it without that so I don't know how I will do it. And lord help me if she starts crying at all...

I've actually allowed myself to look forward to this silver lining

I am too. I'm tired of the eggshells. Tired of constantly feeling like she is judging my words on the assumption I'm trying to guilt her or pursue her. And I'm tired of being disappointed in her. I know... that's judgmental and I'm trying not to me. But it is hard. Last night for example... she comes home from work early. She texts me to let me know. I tell the kids. They get excited. Then she calls me a few minutes later to say she's not sticking around... she's going to another town to meet her BFF and her family for dinner. Kids are crushed. She pops in for 10 minutes to change clothes. While walking around the house she tells me, "I figured I was supposed to work late anyway so the kids wouldn't have seen me, so they're not really out anything." Except for the part where the kids heard that and now feel like crap. It's those moments... and while they are less than they were they are still frequent enough, that make me very disappointed in her. And no, I don't suspect she'll be much better on her own, but at least I won't have to see it or act like it doesn't bother me.

Tonight I got home and my W looks like hell. She is clearly extremely ill right now... so much that I am actually worried about her. I have never seen her look this bad before, and that's not hyperbole. She is running a fever, has terrible cramps and pain. I even cancelled my GAL tonight and told her to go to sleep. I know... I'm caretaking. I'm conscious I shouldn't have done it, but she was having trouble even standing on her own. Would I do this once we are apart? I don't know... maybe... if she was this sick... man is she sick.

My GAL tonight wasn't going to start until 9:30 anyway and I have some early meetings tomorrow morning. I was going to sacrifice for it, but I'll get them next time.