C, I think it's important for you to understand that there is no magic answer here. It's very possible that your W has absolutely no idea what it will take either. She's likely feeling it out day by day, just like you are. Being on the other side, it's so disconcerting to feel a glimmer of hope when it goes against everything you've suffered so hard to learn. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 487 times and I'm ready for the straight jacket.
I know you don't want to be D'd. Having that date looming before you has to wear on you. At the same time, that date may have a very positive meaning to her (albeit her rambling doubts.) It may well be that you have to run through that date, that it's a test of sorts. Not really consciously, but sub-consciously for your W. If you make it through and you're still DB'g for her, she'll know it wasn't just for the financial benefit, or to avoid the D, or to convince her to drop the filing. It will demonstrate that what you really want is her, and you're in it for the long haul to prove it.
I get that it's very hard in your situation to demonstrate to her your efforts. But on the other side of things, being in the same house where I can see every effort (or lack thereof) that my H puts into it is not good either. I see when he picks up a R book and falls asleep two minutes later. I see him shopping ebay (GAL?) instead of working on our R issues. I hear him suggest that he would like 20 minutes to talk, and then he puts it off until midnight, to which I decline, then puts it off the next night until 10pm; then doesn't have much other than copies of some high-level questions from a book. My H's daily exposure isn't helping his situation at all.
I'm not going to be able to give you any advice on the GAL aspect. From the WAS side of things, that's a hard one to digest/rationalize, especially without understanding that you're doing it under specific instructions of the DB philosophy (which my H is not.) As I watched my H on Sunday take our son out to go look at which raquetball club to join, it did nothing to endear me to him. In fact, I made a point to work on my GAL in response. Neither of our efforts to GAL will translate into our married life. It would have been entirely different if he were investing his time in learning about gardening, since that's something I enjoy and we could ultimately do together given a reconciliation of the marriage. Or taking a cooking class that we would both benefit from ultimately. Since I don't play racquetball, I feel like he's actually investing in a GAL that doesn't include me. If he's not investing in me, why should I consider investing in him?
I completely get the concept that a depressed, needy, whiney ex is not appealing to a WAS. But neither is a happy, healthy, lively person that shares none of my interests. In addition, seeing a your spouse go on with life as usual -- or even better -- after you leave doesn't incent me to want to work at it. This is a very difficult area for me, so I'm hoping some others (WAS hopefully) can offer some insight into the philosophy of the appeal to the WAS. I think I must be missing it.
