W racing to finish line - do I bring up OM?

[25yearsmlc]

Just updating my situation - thank you for all your help (and tough love) to date.

As I mentioned previously, W and I do not have kids so there is typically no reason to meet as our Ls handle all of the administrative matters. She lives a few blocks away in an apt. as she moved out of our condo in August 2011.

I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 months and we are meeting tonight over coffee (apparently decided she didn't want to go to the gym with me).


I know your intent behind choosing the gym but I can't say I'm surprised she declined that invite. If nothing else, a sense of closure is a goal and I can't see that happening in the gym...but hey, I NEED to go the gym more so maybe it's just my aversion.



It is strange how nervous I feel to see her. We were together for 10 years prior to the bomb, and this is by far the longest we've ever been apart. My thought is that she also has some level of anxiety over this meeting. It is just to exchange safe deposit keys and talk for a little bit on catching up and about moving forward, but based on our conversation on Friday, I do honestly think there is at least 1% of her which may not know if this is the best idea. She is not mean, and not overly nice...just cordial.


Not sure what you mean by this. Meeting is perhaps not a good idea to her, or divorcing?

I know one of the DB principles is not to use friends or family to help, but I did have lunch with one of my close guy friends last week (who my W really respects and likes), and told him that my W filed. Quick background on a previous thread: my W hasn't talked to or seen any of our common friends since last May and even skipped two of our mutual friends' weddings. My thought was that she was just trying to leave her old life behind as she was hanging out with all new friends from grad school and her old HS friends.

A LOT of mind reading here^^^. And if she does have more in common with these other people, that's alright too...and if she wants to avoid awkward situations for the first year or so, that would not be surprising. It's not rare to see a couple divorce and then one of them drops off the face of the earth, for awhile, or for good...hard to say.

Are these folks who ONLY Knew your w through you? It makes a difference. If she was just "half a couple", that's more awkward than if she had her own r with them. Those folks may well reconnect when the dust settles.

But regardless, don't worry about it...it's NOT an issue in your sandbox, okay? It's her business, and you have your own things to work on.

Have you thought about thanking her for being the catalyst for change that you wanted/needed to make? (I think you mentioned it in a note.)

But That would be my focus - and how positive the changes are from the perspective of you being glad to make them, NOT to highlight them as

if you are saying NOW she can come home b/c "hey, all is well", you're all "fixed" and therefore she can just "forget the UNfun parts and just focus on the good stuff"...as you know, that's not realistically going to happen soon, if ever.

Remember, from what she wrote, true or not, at a minimum SHE believes those changes were long overdue.

Cussing her out, BL, that's just not acceptable. Yet my gut says You only recently began to own things like that, and she has NOT seen that yet.
Like you said, all she has seen since she left is you STILL being angry and lashing out. She does not miss that.

So, shifting the focus to OM now, will only appear as if you are taking your eye off the ball. Keep your eye on the ball---which is YOU changing your life and getting rid of that temper tantrum behavior.


Apparently, my friend was really concerned

about what? The marriage itself? That's touching. More people in our communities need to care. But beware of what she may say and be OPEN to hearing your w's take on things. It's valuable intel, not a bashing of you. see it as a gift if you can.

and his W (who was also a mutual friend with my W), reached out to see if my W would be interested in grabbing dinner to catch up. I know that they both want us to pull through. I found out today from my friend that they are having dinner tomorrow night. My W didn't mention this to me, and I don't plan on bringing it up tonight.

I am by no means hopeful and expecting the worst still, but I do find it a positive sign that my W is agreeing to have dinner with W of one of our close couple friends since she has basically ignored all of our mutual friends since she dropped the bomb.


it's clearly not negative. But be prepared for her to tell them exactly why she left. Be ready for her to sound very resolute.

But nothing is written in stone. And people do remarry even after it ends...as I think I mentioned, 2 relatives of mine did and

I THINK I read that it happens between 10-15% of the time. Not sure of that stat though.

If and ONLY IF, something comes up and she bails on you,--maybe b/c she fears confrontation with you

try to get her to see that you just want to reconnect and catch up b/c she was/is such a big part of your life, AND or, to get some closure.


In any case, when I meet W tonight, I'm going to do my best job of DB'ing yet. No judgments, anger, punitive words, nothing. Just listening and validating. It is really one of my few chances left to show a 180, so I really need to use this opportunity well.

How about a compliment that you really mean sincerely?? Tell her a few of those.

What were her love languages? And yours? Insights or just telling her you read that book will help.

Speaking from a place of love in your heart will not do any damage at this point. At least imo.

Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed.