Crimson, I'll share my perspective as a current WAW, if it might help.
My H is doing some DB'g of his own design. He borrowed my copy of the book but I don't think he's even opened it yet. So I have to position it as if I was in your W's shoes.
Responding to a bone from your W with the enthusiasm you displayed (not privately or on this board but to your W) would be very over-whelming. (I think the MC was well done, BTW.) I can imagine the fog she's in, the internal turmoil, the frustration, the loss of confidence. She likely IS questioning whether she's going the right course. But that indecision can't be addressed by the person that put her there in the first place. You are not currently someone that she can trust. In fact, you are in a way still the "enemy," so your input is the absolute LAST perspective she would be receptive to. Your trying indirectly, albeit enthusiastically, to lure her back is setting off all sorts of red flags in her. Maybe she's been here before, so once bitten, twice shy.
So the question begs, what would I want from my H?
I would need to reach a point where I felt that my happiness was more important to him than his. I think if I was her, I would feel that you're simply acting in a manner to get what YOU ultimately want, when I'm still trying to decide if I even want it. I would feel like I was looking at a slippery slope that would put me right back where I came from, after all the work I put into digging myself out if it, and I would automatically resist. That fear would possibly taint anything positive, at least for a while.
I think I would want to see a lot more changes in my H personally, before it even mattered what he did with/for me. That stuff seems fabricated and artificial. It seems temporary until he "gets me back." In fact, I personally HATE Valentine's Day. To me, it's just a marketing ploy to get guys to purchase hokey crap for GF'/W's so they can pat themselves on the back for what a great romantic guy they are. If my H were to do all that on some other random day of his choosing, when every endcap in every store wasn't plastered with it, THEN it would mean something to me. (You'll have to apply this to your W's perspective of the day -- some people love it.)
I think I would reject anything my H did that made HIM look good. That's a confusing, thin line. For example, I think it was good of you to call and ask about her sitch in regards to the water issue. It would have been a bad thing for you to run over there with your tools in hand to "fix it" for her. Likewise, it was good of you to offer to shop with her for the things she needed, but you went too far when you offered (positioned yourself) to pick her up and drive.
I guess the best way I can clarify it is for you to consider whether a thing/place is "neutral ground." Sort of "public access." Ask yourself if you would act differently with a friend? For example, with the shopping, it probably would have been better received if you had asked, "Do you want to meet me there or would you like me to pick you up?" This allows her to keep her distance without being put in the position of being the bad guy and having to counter your offer. She can simply pick the offer that suits her at the time. Eventually, when she's more comfortable, she'll pick the second option, and she'll be able to do it without a big hoopla. (Which means YOU can't make a big hoopla about it either, at least not in front of her. )
If your history has issues with control, you can't do ANYTHING that looks like you're trying to control her. The D is the one thing she has right now that makes her feel like she has control, and that's a beacon of light amidst the rest of the chaos running through her head. You have to look at this as if you're dating, not married, and not even going steady. There is absolutely nothing that you can assume in your relationship. And sometimes you need to do things that aren't even for your relationship, but for HER. The concert tickets were a great idea. Did you purchase them for her, or for her and YOU? If for both of you, I would be feeling trapped. I wouldn't be sure that I would want to go with you, yet, or at that future date. But if he bought them for me and I was free to go with whomever I wanted, then by the time it rolled around, I might be inclined to ask him.
The "public access" area is something that she has to feel free to cross when she's comfortable doing it. Any effort you make to "pull" her across will accomplish the opposite. I think making yourself very visible on the other side is great. Be open, be attractive, be receptive. Let her see who you are without you "showing" her who you are. Does that make sense? Be the male turkey cock that's puffed out his feathers and is strutting around in all his splendor, but doing so completely independent of the hen. The little turkey hen can't help but notice. Chase her and you'll run her off.
I've rambled on, but I hope this helps in some way.
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