Bklyn Queen

[keep_going]

(((((((((BM)))))))))


I am so sorry to hear that you have had a rough few days. You were so good to me when I was down as well...

Everything you write about and feel - it feels like I could have written it.

Some days I feel like I can make it. Others, I feel like I have failed in everything. Please, please look at your daughters. See how amazing they are - and remind yourself that YOU are the reason they are this way. YOU are giving them the love and stability they need to be these amazing little creatures.

And you are doing it on your own! I KNOW how hard it is - starting with even getting out of the house with the kids. To smile and be upbeat and be present when all you can think of is "how could he walk away from this? Why do I have to do this all alone? I didn't sign up for this. Our little angels don't deserve this, etc"

And you don't complain. You just do it. You just act as if, even though you are dying inside. Well, look at how strong you are for doing it!!! Your H can't see it now, but YOU can. So please remember that and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

As for the neighbors or others knowing your sitch. I have been there too. Heck, it's been over a year for me and I still cannot face some people I know. And you know what? That is ok. If you are not ready, you are not. When it's time, you will know.

In my case, some people are starting to find out on their own thru others. At first I felt terrible - like people were gossiping or maybe judging me. But they are not. On the contrary - it's amazing how many people genuinely care and empathize.

When I am down, I have also felt tempted like you to pack the rest of his stuff, but I have resisted. Don't want to do something that I know I will later regret.

As for the limbo - that is horrible. I am also struggling with that and when I am down, I also feel like I won't be able to continue living like this for long; but then when I feel better, I realize I can continue to keep standing FOR NOW.

I know there might be a day when I might not. But I won't pay attention to those thoughts until they come from a peaceful me. I don't want to give up when I am down, sad or depressed. I want to make sure I am ready. I am currently not, and it doesn't sound like you are either.

So remember that cycling between feeling ok and getting completely down on yourself is normal in our sitch. You know that the down moments get shorter and your recovery time as well. Hang in there and reach out to your support system (here and in your daily life) whenever you are there - like right now! You know how good it feels to come here and feel loved and supported.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN - how can you remember that? By the example you are setting for your daughters - it will not go unnoticed - BY THEM. As for H, he might or might not realize it - HIS LOSS!!!