Journaling again: Well, it seems like my LRT is paying off a bit. Last night when H came home from his superbowl party (to which I wasn't invited, but I cheerfully wished him "have fun"), he wanted to talk (not about the R, just random stuff). I was pleasant, but let him know that I was tired and going to sleep. Then I noticed that he sat next to me in bed and continued reading the relationship book that our MC recommended.
We usually take the same bus to the city on our morning commute, but this morning I said that I was taking a later bus so that I could enjoy a cup of tea and some reading time. He seemed a little preplexed, and said, "are you sure?" He just called me at work to ask why I didn't want to take the same bus with him. I reiterated that I was enjoying my tea and book and left it at that. Then he wanted to talk about what he was learning in the relationship book. He says that it is helping him to see his patterns, but then asked "what do I do with that information?" This has always been H's problem with traditional psychotherapy. He is very good at understanding the underlying issues, but not so great at finding a productive way solve the problem. In fact, he is usually hopeless that there even IS a solution, even in the face of a nuanced understanding of the problem (this is his thinking about our R problems). The fact that he is even asking what he should do with his patterns is good news, IMO. It makes me think he is moving toward thinking about solutions rather than being mired in hopelessness.
Remembering my LRT, I did not become overly enthusiastic. After all, he has not said anything specific about the R, and we are still speaking relatively abstractly. I said, "well, I think the next step might be to find a positive and productive way to deal with those patterns. The second part of the book discusses that." Then he asked what I was doing this evening and said he didn't have any plans. I didn't make a comment about this and we hung up on a friendly note.
I am encouraged, but cognizant that this may not mean much. He is exploring right now, but not ready to make any declarations. I am aware that this may take a long time, so I am not jumping the gun. One of MWD's books talks about staying the course in the face of success. She says that as soon as we see any signs of progress, we are tempted to go back to our old ways. I have to admit, I was tempted to jump right into R talk and try to initiate a reconcilation, but I know that can be disastrous. What I am doing is getting postitive results and I will continue doing it until there is a definite and unmistakable sign that H is ready to reconcile. Then we talk about about deeper issues and get into problems, etc. Right now, I need to be strong and continue LRT and GAL.
Speaking of, I am off to look for some free cultural activities in my area.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
