Don't know which way to turn...

[Dazed11]

My sitch is like many of yours... here's the background info:

I'm 36, wife 35, married 11 years, together 17, sons 8 & 5, wife dropped the "I love you but" bomb on 1/25/12 and I did all of the usual things you aren't supposed to do for a couple days (begged, pleaded, cried, etc) and then decided that I wouldn't want to be with a person like that, so she certainly wouldn't want to either. I went looking for answers and I found this site, the DR book has been ordered and I've been trolling the forums trying to figure out how to get through this until I get the book and have more info.

My perspective: we've had a pretty good marriage until the last six months: we don't fight and argue much, we share work around the house and taking care of the boys (I'm on morning duty, she's on afternoon duty, etc), for much of our marriage I was on the road for work about 25% of the time, until I switched jobs about 4 years ago (don't know if this has anything to do with the issues). My wife is a very introvert person, doesn't talk a lot/hates to talk about her feelings/keeps everything inside, is affectionate some of the time (when I would ask for a hug, sometimes she would just rest her head on me, not a big bear hug), sex was a couple times per week, and we were busy with the stresses of life (work, kids, house, bills, etc). Last August I noticed a bunch of text messages on the cell phone bill to a number I didn't recognize, and asked her about it, "Oh it's just a co-worker." I trust and respect my wife, so I dropped it. In Oct, she was asleep and her phone beeped, so I checked it to make sure it wasn't anything important and it was the OM with a "good night honey, can't wait to see you tomorrow" text. So I checked the bill again (yes I know NOW not to do that) and there were 3-4 texts everyday. I think it is a EA not a PA, but I don't really know and I don't really care (it's a symptom, not a cause of the M problems). I haven't confronted her about the EA because 1) I think it will make her turtle up more than she does, and 2) I think if we fix the R issues, the EA will go away (the EA developed because she wasn't getting what she needed from her M to me).

Her perspective (all voiced post bomb drop): we never communicate (I was shocked coming from such an introvert because I always try to start convos and get 3 word answers to questions), there's no spark/romance/connection, she lived the life she thought she was supposed to instead of the life she wants and doesn't think she wants the job/marriage/house etc anymore. She says she is very confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore. She said she thinks she doesn't deserve the family and deserves to be alone (I told her no one deserves to be along, especially her). I asked her for some specifics of issues and one thing she mentioned is that a couple days per week (through-out the 11 year marriage, not just recently), I fall asleep on the couch and don't come upstairs to bed and that used to make her very upset and the last couple years she just stopped caring where I would sleep (we have different sleep schedules because she is up @ 4 and out of the house to work, and I normally get up @ 6), but she never mentioned this issue to me ever, in the last 11 years. I told her I could have easily changed how/when/where I go to sleep if I knew it was an issue. She said it was, but now she doesn't care if I sleep upstairs or downstairs because she doesn't feel the love for me anymore. She said I wasn't affectionate enough, and didn't do enough outside the house away from her with my other friends (again, not sure if this is related to how much time I used to be gone for work and now I'm home all the time). She doesn't want to have sex right now because she doesn't love me anymore (I told her I was fine with that, but that helps with the affection/connection issue).

Current steps: I bought the 5 love languages book and read it over the weekend and asked her to read it because it has helped me understand so much about me, her, and us and she said she will. I asked her for some time to make this work and she said she doesn't see how it can work because it hasn't for a couple years, but she was willing to try for our marriage and sons.

GALs: joined the Tues night men's basketball league, joined the local hiking club and hiking more on weekends, spending more time at the gym after work.
180s: (here's where I'm conflicted), the issues she mentioned (not enough affection, not sleeping in the bed, not communicating) seem to contradict some of what I've read on here (detaching, etc) so I'm not sure if I should be more affectionate (this is what I'm doing right now since she said it was an issue and is a 180 from how I was), telling her what I think of her, wrote her a love letter (which she really liked and appreciated), trying to spend more QT with her without the boys and talking (about life, feelings, not a lot about the R).

Any help, insight, support would be greatly appreciated. I love her and our family will all my heart and after reading the 5 love languages, I realized how much better it could have been for her all these years. I just want to keep the family together and make it a place where she can be happy and loved.
Thanks