I'm glad you are feeling those things. Because IF you are that deep in yourself, at least you are focusing on the right things.
You are looking at this like it has to be one or the other.
It doesn't have to be right now. That is what I am trying to get through to you.
Just be.....
You have things YOU need to do, and she has things that SHE needs to do.
The looking back over your shoulder to see where she is , is what is keeping you from your things.
You looking back over your shoulder is what is keeping her from doing HER things.
That fear that I spoke of earlier. You are going to have to deal with that sooner, rather than later.
Living your life in fear, is not really living.
You stated above that you are tired of living "as if". That might be the biggest thing that you need to realize right now.
Right now, you are working towards your fears instead of away from them, because you haven't addressed them yet.
Your thoughts become your fears...
And your fears are becoming your goals.
Whether you think you can, or think you can't.....you are right....Henry Ford
Quote:
I don't know if I'm behind, in front, in outer space or lost in inner space. I have no clue but I do know I'm responsible for it all. If I let down, the house and finances go down. If I let down my kids suffer, my company and employee's suffer, my writing and creative partner suffers, I suffer.
Those are the things you SHOULD be focusing on. The things you do have control of.
Taking charge of yourself first , then seeing where things are at.
What I see for you right now, is that you are looking for each and every positive and negative sign from her. You are looking at your feet when you step, instead of the path that you are walking.
Now is the time when you reach down and find what is inside, and know that you are going to be okay, regardless of your future. That you are capable of your future, and you are willing to have a future.
You keep yourself spinning in circles, waiting for this epiphany to happen. I can tell you, that it won't. You are like a hamster on wheel, every time you think you can get ahead, the wheel comes back around , and there you sit. Waiting for her to help you off.
You re-fuel yourself, from the inside. Stop looking towards her to do that for you.
Where does your Faith lie ?
You have to have faith in this process, that it guide you to where you NEED to go.
You have to have faith in yourself that you are capable of this.
You have to have faith that SHE will do HER work...
It is so easy to get caught up in the "right or wrong thing" to do thinking...
When in doubt....
DB101 and go back to a begginers mind...
So....in the spirit of making you think....
Would you rather she came back because she NEEDED to be with you ???
When you think about giving up what normally prompts those feelings?
I guess it when I worry that I am standing for the M and all that effort entails, and I see signs that I interpret as me contributing my entire being to someone who won't even see it, never mind want to R. I guess that is where we are warned not to read into things, not to mind read. I am truly burnt out but I think accepting the emotional swings of this makes it easier to recognize it as temporary, and find ways to push through the down swings.
Curious because I very seldom see my W and I am on the verge signing the papers and saying goodbye.
When I hear your sitch I feel guilty. There's always someone whose sitch is tougher, but when you're in the midst of heartache or burnout, it's sometimes hard to not be so self focused. In your case is your W asking for the divorce? I need to catch up on your thread.
My W also has some serious problems that she has never shared with anybody but me. Not even her folks or friends. Her history includes sexual assault and cutting herself when she was in her teens. She would often become very distant to me and "clam-up". I finally convinced her, after 12 years, to see a IC. The following day she left me. Last contact I had with her she was under the impression that I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. WTF? really? Still sets me back when I think about that.
This sounds so much like what happened with my W except I, not the therapist, was the one who triggered her breakdown. My W had the same traumas and ran way just like your W. Is the D proceedings just a hyper reaction to what she is faced with psychologically and she is running scared shytless? Can you ask her to put the D on hold and see if she will consider a break, but she get help for a period? Maybe, reassess later? My W and i came within a breathe of splitting, and I really wanted her out at the time, but we did decide to wait and see what the therapy might offer. She fought it tooth and nail, but over time made some breakthroughs. Can your W face that possibility?
I was feeling so negative about my sitch this week and I could feel myself wanting to withdraw from everything. I felt like I was fighting battles on too many fronts, and in fact I am. After last nights horrible superbowl defeat I had one of those endless no sleep DB nights.
But its weird how we may just need to accept that these cycles exist for us too, not just our WAS's.
I spoke to my W for about five minutes this morning and just asked a few questions that needed answering and I felt way better.
I was really feeling like I may want out this weekend, and I was angry that I had helped create a warm family environment again after it had been severed this spring, but I felt that I was helping building a family and group of friends in an environment that would help get her life back, but I would be part of it but not as a H/lover. Feeling like she gets her cake and it eat it too, but I'm relegated to the sidelines.
I really did not want to hear her this weekend because I kept feeling like she was selfishly getting all the benefits of our life while I get pushed out from all of it. She would be speaking to me as I was going about my work and projects, and I would kind of hear her voice and ask whether she had just said something. I would see her getting frustrated and i felt indignant as if she expects me to not be a full part of our M but then expects me to be waiting there whenever she has something to say. Add in the fact that my hearing is not the best. When I was a kid I was living in a country where a quick border battle erupted with tank fire. I was only 5 and my hearing was never the same. Not deaf, but just enough of a problem to hear someone clearly if they mumble.
Anyway I expressed to my W that I have a lot on my mind right now and am processing a lot of thoughts and feelings. I asked if she was frustrated by my aloofness and if she could understand that I have a lot on my plate too.
She seemed to totally understand it. She reiterated that she wishes she could go through this stage of her life without affecting anyone else. But we both agreed that at least by staying together there is a better possibilty that our M and family can go on, than if we did this separately.
It came up about what would she do if the roles were reversed? She said she would probably do the same as me...let me go through it, treat me as a friend only and not expect anything beyond that in the meantime. Not a bad clue as to what she expecst and needs in this.
Anyhow I feel like I can pick up the giant backpack again and start walking along the trail.
She seemed to totally understand it. She reiterated that she wishes she could go through this stage of her life without affecting anyone else. But we both agreed that at least by staying together there is a better possibilty that our M and family can go on, than if we did this separately.
This statement seems to have some hope to it. Hope your doing better today.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Doesn't that train you well for these situations ????
BUCKNER !!!!!!
Kicking someone when they're down? At least we win a bunch of these things too, but the heartbreak of losing to the G's and Eli again is too much. It's like a wake at work today.....
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
You are looking at this like it has to be one or the other.
It doesn't have to be right now. That is what I am trying to get through to you.
Just be.....
You have things YOU need to do, and she has things that SHE needs to do.
This really makes good sense.
The looking back over your shoulder to see where she is , is what is keeping you from your things.
In a sense I know this but my intellectual understanding doesn't always jive with my emotional maturity
You looking back over your shoulder is what is keeping her from doing HER things.
Maybe...I'm not sure about this...I guess as long as she knows what my goal is in this sitch...it can't help but put some type of pressure on her
You stated above that you are tired of living "as if". That might be the biggest thing that you need to realize right now.
What good is realizing this? I'm not sure what you mean by realizing it is the biggest thing? You mean, don't live as if, just live? Did you go through this process like me? How did this go for you?
Right now, you are working towards your fears instead of away from them, because you haven't addressed them yet.
Can you give me a practical example of this? I kind of understand this but not sure. Do you mean I'm trying to force my fears into a workable daily existance as opposed to just going where my life and soul lead me?
Taking charge of yourself first , then seeing where things are at.
Great advise.
What I see for you right now, is that you are looking for each and every positive and negative sign from her. You are looking at your feet when you step, instead of the path that you are walking.
Yeah - funny, I would have given this same advise to another here, but needed to hear it for my own life. I am fullfilled in most important areas of my life and keep having this vision of a great relationship in the future. It's weird but i can kind of feel it like its real - I can hear it, feel it, even smell it. At this point can't picture with who though and this is a bit unsettling. Maybe its just a defensive manuever that I'm too afraid to picture my W, but what the hell, I'd like to live it one way or the other.
You re-fuel yourself, from the inside. Stop looking towards her to do that for you.
For you to do that did you have to just let your M go, whatever the outcome? Did you let go so much that you were essentially a single guy again, open to anything? Did you draw some line where you would go while in this process with your W?
Where does your Faith lie ?
You have to have faith in this process, that it guide you to where you NEED to go.
You have to have faith in yourself that you are capable of this.
You have to have faith that SHE will do HER work...
Faith, yes, or moments of losing it. i think this has been a lifeling issue for me...in many cases feeling me against the world...or thinking my way out of a surrenduring to faith
DB101 and go back to a begginers mind...
I think I should reread this
Would you rather she came back because she NEEDED to be with you ???
