after being up most of the night with the situation from last night running threw my head, i finally got up and read some of my daily readings from my Al anon book and came up with how I can handle this...
IF H calls today to check on S14..and thats a big IF...ive come up with 2 (yes only 2!!) expectaions I have of him.
1) I expect H to drop what he is doing and be there if S14 is hurt and has to go to the ER, or Doctors for what ever reason..
2) I expect H to answer the phone and be available in person or by phone, if that is not possible, to deal with S14 if he has gotten in any kind of trouble at school or here at home.
there have been 2 times that i have called because S14 has done something that was seriouse enough that I would involve H and both times he said it wasnt a good time, we would talk later and then he never called back to discuss the problem and to this day hasnt even asked what the problem was. mind you i dont call him about anything unless it is a major problem..for instance the last time I called S14 had been stealing money from my purse and it had gotten to be a problem...H text me that it was not a good time and then never called to discuss it.
When he calls I will be rational and calm and tell him what my expctations are and ask if he thinks they are reasonable and if he would be able to except them. and if not to let me know and then I will not call him in those situations. I will try my best not to sound like I am talking to a 5 yr old...(snicker)..
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Wow.....just wow. What a pathetic excuse for a father he is right now.
I'm so sorry for your son. He just witnessed first hand the kind of liar his dad is. I know you regret saying what you did but sometimes our emotions just get the better of us. You didn't actually badmouth his dad, you told him he deserved better than what he was getting and that is the honest to God truth.
I hope you've been able to calm yourself a little (wine definitely helps!) and are feeling ok this morning.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, I went to Hs house yesterday and spoke to him about my "expectations"....When I first got there he immediantly got into how horrible he felt about not showing up for S14 but I cut him off. I said I dont even want to talk about last night, I want to talk about what I can expect from you regarding S14 so that we are clear and both understand what is expected of us.
I told him my first expectation and asked if he thought that was fair and if he could do it. (show up for S14 if there is an emergency) He said "of course, I want you to call me for that kind of stuff and I want to be there for my son"
Then I asked about the second expectation (be ther to help parent S14 if he gets into trouble at school or home) and he said "yes, I want you to count on me for that to"
So all in all he was very agreeable and said all the right things..he started with the whole "I dont want things to be this way, I want to parent my son and be there for him, I dont know why Im making this so hard I know this is what I wanted"..blah blah blah... I was very clear with him...I even asked what he considered an emergency because Im aware that what I consider one and what he considers one is very different...I told him Im not judging you, but you need to be very clear with me what I can count on you for so there are no misunderstandings..Its your choice how involved you want to be in your sons life. He said that he was trying to get back on track...going to his AA meetings again and talking to his sponser again...I hope so but its not my problem to worry about anymore.
As I was sitting there in that house (its the first time ive been in his place) I looked at him and really saw him...he looked pathetic and sad and just all around disapointing...his place is very well put together and clean...but as I looked around i realized it was all stuff I had put together for him...that we had in our home together,right down to the pics of his family in frames that I had put together. He looked like a scared little kid...It must be miserable living like that, and sober for the first time to boot. part of me felt sorry for him and the other part of me thought have fun in your mud puddle youve created for yourself...
When i got home he text me and asked to have our S call him..(S14s phone is broken) I told S14 to call his dad and he said he didnt want to..hes still pretty upset about the whole lieing thing. I text H back, he doesnt want to, sorry....I cant imagine how I would feel..I would be devistated. But I dont think it even dings the wall he has put up..so sad.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Hi, itm, I guess the proof of what he said will be known soon enough. Hopefully it wasn't all talk. Although all the blah blah blah talk about how badly he felt about not being there for S14 makes me wonder, because if he really felt that way, he wouldn't keep doing it. I also bet he saw the pity for him in your eyes. Nothing like having the woman who loves you pity you.
Also, I saw where you wondered how I was doing on another thread. Well, the F3 tornado that came through on Jan.23, destroyed most of my neighborhood as well as several other neighborhoods in my community. It's the most awful thing I have ever seen. Rubble where there were houses just a few houses over from us. If it had been a hundred yards over, we probably wouldn't have a home. It was scary to actually hear it go over our house. We just got our internet back on.
VC...so good to hear from you!! Im so sorry but am glad you are ok!!!! that must have been awfull!!! How are things now???
and no there is no excuse ...but it always seems to come back to his drinking problem, even though he has it under control..its still controlling him. He text me last night that in 10 days he will have 2 years clean and sober..Thats great, but nothing else has changed. He hasnt worked on himself in any other way. Maybe the fact that his son is not speaking to him will wake him up to that ..maybe it wont.
I on the other hand feel like a different person...I still have my days..I miss him, but Im aware now that what I miss is not who he is, I miss what I think he or we could have been. that makes it a lot easier to stop and think. there are days when I dont feel quite that strong but they are fewer and far between.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I need some suggestions or perspectives on this from some of my girls (and sure, you guys can chime in) about a situations that has finally come up...
I knew this was going to happen, no matter how carefull I was and how hard I tried, My S14 overheard me on the phone talking (well I should say eavesdropped..because I was in my bathroom in the back of the house with my bedroom door and bathroom door shut!!) Im not sure how much he heard but we were sitting down to dinner last night and he told me he "overheard me on the phone" and then asked if dad had a girlfriend...I asked what he heard and he just said that he heard me say something about dad "putting her before his son"....crap...i cant tell you how horrible I have felt since then...I could just kick myself!!!!
I told him that was a conversation that he needed to have with his D...S14 said "do you really think he would be man enough to tell me the truth? just tell me"...I avoided the whole thing and I just dont know how to handle this now....I couldnt tell him...as much as I have waited for this day..and I told my H he better hope that S14 never asks me the right questions...I just couldnt do it. Im not sure if Im being selfish cus Im just not ready for him to know...It makes it real, and Im afraid it will change everything...
I havent let H know that his son knows something...I really just want to stay out of it and let H deal with it... funny part is, when I wouldnt answer any of S14s questions..he said "fine, ill just show up over there one day with out notice and walk in and say hey dad, whos this???" omg...he is definatley my son...:)
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Hi, itm, most of the houses are damaged or destroyed here, but those that are damaged are already getting their roofs replaced, there are trees down everywhere, debris everywhere, but it is getting hauled away, but there is just so much of it. It breaks my heart to see houses of people I know that are just rubble now. And to see dressers and sofas and toys and stuff just tossed all about just chills me.
If I were you, I would call H and let him know that S14 overheard you on the phone, and that he now knows, even though you have not confirmed it. Maybe give him a time by which to tell S14 the truth, and if he hasn't by then, you will tell him what he already knows. It isn't fair to your S to constantly wonder why his F doesn't have much of a R with him. I understand that doing this will make it more "real", and possibly change things, since it won't be a secret anymore, but the only one it's a secret to is your S. I don't think it's selfish, I think you want to protect your S as long as possible, and you're scared, too.
Your son already knew something was going on, trust me, or he wouldn't have felt the need to eavesdrop. Do NOT tell your H that S overheard you on the phone. That will anger him to know that you are putting his dirty laundry out to air. I would tell him though that S is suspicious and wants to know the truth and it is not your job to tell him. Tell him he deserves the WHOLE truth from his dad and if he doesn't give it to him in a relatively short amount of time then he can expect S to find a way to get to the bottom of it.
Don't threaten him with telling S yourself. Again, that will anger him further. You know how most men get when their back is up against the wall....they come out swinging. Don't do that to yourself or S.
VC - So sorry to hear about your area. I'm just one state over and see the destruction on the news often. I've driven back and forth to Birmingham quite often and drive through several of the communities that were hit. Glad you are ok and your home wasn't destroyed. DARN TORNADOES!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ummm...so divorce papers have been filed, right? So why the need to hide fact that H has an OW? You don't have to address the issue of whether she was on the scene before the divorce papers were filed. You can just say he is seeing someone now and you don't know how long they have been dating.
