Snodderly, I think this neediness issue is interesting.
If it is neediness that the MLCer/PA can cope with and even feeds what they need, it seems to work. And I think a lot of dramatization goes on here too. But if it is neediness they hadn't counted on then they can't cope.
My xh couldn't cope at all when I was ill a couple of years back [he was long out of the door at that point, but he got really mean , because I think he was actually angry because I was ill. He sees me as 'non-needy'. In fact when he left me he said, almost angrily 'You will be all right' But if I am at risk of becoming 'needy' then that isn't OK in his world.
He liked the OWs neediness however because he could play shining knight on a white steed. So it could be that it is partly how the drama plays out for them. As long as they can continue to play the part they want, and it satisfied them emotionally then they seem to stay with it.
Real demands from those who are actually important to then [as opposed to a convenience] seem to deeply frighten them. My xh went into a complete tailspin when middle son broke up with his serious gf [whom xh had met] It was as if they had split up after a long marriage [Instead of being together around two years]. He 'saw' them "together", and couldn't manage them not being. It could also explain why so many of them are destablised if we start to date. That scenario, for most of them, is not the one they signed up for. And so on. Interesting material here.
