Im finding it pretty interesting that many of us are seeing the patterns in their family dynamics and upbringing.
My xh, well he's never talked alot about it, but everything he did share indicated several things. The happiest times were with his paternal grandparents and that side of the family. Rightfully so, that side of the family are just wonderful. The saddest times with his mother and his step father. Don't remember any good memories he's ever told me. As I step back, I can tell he felt ignored, and insignificant. Very angry at his mother.
Such a bell ringer as we see the PA/MLC patterns are all about unfullfilled needs as a child. His biggest complaint and catalyst for leaving: He felt so alone, unloved, insignificant, and not as a man. His mother has always been concerned for herself and very co dependent in all her relationships. The co dependency that people are supposed to make her happy.
I now see how my xh placed me to fullfil things he needed from his mom that he didn't get growing up. But as life went on, we grew up and matured, and had our own family. As our roles evolve with age and ever growing families, I think it was him that was standing still, or perhaps so frightened of change he dug his heels in refusing to evolve with life. As the kids and I grow and change, he saw this as an abandonment of him.
What I wouldn't give if we could all take this knowledge and place some magic spell upon their heads and they understand and know. I feel that my xh strives to understand this, but he can't. Or when he does get an inkling, it's too intense and it's easier to run back to square one and stay there.
