Never thought I'd be here........part 8

[sandi2]

I need a sit-down with a former WAW. Where is Sandi when you need her??

Oh I never left you. Been here all the time. If I thought you weren't getting good advice, I would have jumped in.

I suppose all men have this same problem if they get to this stage. Maybe it goes back to their primal ways of feeling the chase has been successful. They are ready to bring the WAW come home so they can pick up their lives and go forward. However, she does not feel that she's there yet. She feels that she needs things to go slow and carefully. She's excited, surprised and scared. That requires you to continually show her the new & improved Crimson.

Proceed with caution. Do not take for granted that she'll come home. Even when it gets to the stage where passionate kisses come, do not think it's over. You will have to court her. Old fashion courting! When you see her showing any signs of frustration or acting cool, that is your signal to step back. She feels that her agenda has totally changed but she's not sure what the revised agenda is right now.

Personally, I don't see this as piecing yet. But at least you are headed in the right direction and things look good.

What about the D? Maybe I missed something, but was things put on hold with the court dates? I remember the Judge not showing up, but did she tell her lawyer to wait?

[sandi2]

I meant to add, that I realize it may be frustrating to help her get things for her place, when it seems unnecessary. All she'd need to do is go back home.

Don't let that frustration or disappointment show. You have to go into this as if the two of you just met and you aren't looking for a roommate.

When she gets ready to go back home, I think you'll know. In the meantime, what do you have planned for Valentine's?

[labug]

I meant to add, that I realize it may be frustrating to help her get things for her place

And a quick trip to Goodwill will take care of that when/if she's ready to come home.

Just keep paying attention. Her signals were pretty clear when she wanted to know more about your changes. I think she'll let you know what the next step is. Probably the worst thing you could do is presuppose what the next step.

Someone wrote this is a letter, pretty smart dude:
Like I said, I thought I was being the greatest husband ever. ... Again, I was giving YOU the definition of a "great" husband, when it needs to be the other way around.

Follow his advice.

[Crimson]

Thanks Sandi and LA -

Sandi, Valentines Day is a great question. I am not sure how to handle that one. I don't know if it would be to presumptuous to send flowers to her office? Would she hate that? Likewise, I am not sure if I should propose a dinner date. Or maybe go over to her place and cook dinner for her. Honestly, I don't know how ANY of these things would be received. I suspect (but am not certain) that doing NOTHING might be a bad idea....however, I can't pin down what the "something" should be.

I think you hit the nail on the head - I think I AM acting like the chase is over even though I know it is not. I find myself in a position where I am trying to court a woman that I have been married to for 6 years - and it requires me forgetting that there was ever any intimacy between us. It is almost as if I have to treat her like we just met. Maybe my frustration/sadness stems from the fact that I think she should just be magnetically "drawn" to me.....find me irresistible....but that is not happening. Somehow, I have to figure out how to court someone that has very little trust in me right now. That is a tricky one. Suggestions???

In a strange way, Sandi, I was happy to buy her things for her place. I was glad to help her....and, indirectly, my son. I just wonder how long she will be there....not that it matters.

As for the legal proceedings - we have a hearing at the end of the month (28th or 29th?) to settle financial matters. I really, really, REALLY don't want it to happen. However, she has not said anything about calling off the proceedings and pressing "pause" on the matter. Moreover, I do not really know if it is my place to ask her to....in fact, I think it would be best if I just shut the heck up about it and wait for her to take the lead on it. My fear is that the divorce is likely to be final in early May. And we keep churning good dollar after bad with the L's. No matter - that is something that I have to just wait out.

I think I am at a place where I need to cool it a bit, perhaps - or at least back off some. I don't want to scare her off. We have a Doctor's appointment with S today. I have him, so we will meet up at one. Still, like a 17 year old boy I am nervous to see her....butterflies and all. Where did this come from??

Any additional advice would be appreciated.

Crimson

[sandi2]

Don't send anything to her office, b/c that would cause her to have to "explain" who sent them and that would lead to other questions that she doesn't feel ready to answer yet.

[2thepoint]

"As for the legal proceedings - we have a hearing at the end of the month (28th or 29th?) to settle financial matters. I really, really, REALLY don't want it to happen. However, she has not said anything about calling off the proceedings and pressing "pause" on the matter. Moreover, I do not really know if it is my place to ask her to....in fact, I think it would be best if I just shut the heck up about it and wait for her to take the lead on it. My fear is that the divorce is likely to be final in early May. And we keep churning good dollar after bad with the L's. No matter - that is something that I have to just wait out."

Crimson, your instinct is spot on here. Remember what your W told you just a a few short weeks ago about her suspicions that your changes were timed to coincide with the D proceedings? If you do anything other than let her take the lead on this, you will severely sabotage your chances at a reconciliation.

"I think I am at a place where I need to cool it a bit, perhaps - or at least back off some. I don't want to scare her off. We have a Doctor's appointment with S today. I have him, so we will meet up at one. Still, like a 17 year old boy I am nervous to see her....butterflies and all. Where did this come from??"

Fear, plain and simple!

You do need to play it cool. We've talked about that in previous posts. Let your W take the lead on next steps. Meanwhile, you need to continue to detach and continue your GAL. First of all it makes you more attractive but it also protects you from the ups and downs that you will no doubt continue to experience.

Regarding Valentines Day, play it by ear and see if maybe your W suggests something. If I were you, I would do nothing more than perhaps a card with a short but heartfelt sentiment and maybe a single rose, (yellow for friendship).

One other thought is maybe consider putting together a picture collage of your S so that she will have something to look at during those lonely times when you have him. In fact, I'll bet she would really appreciate that gesture. It is not over-the-top and is fairly neutral so as not to be overwhelming for your W.

[rickb89]

there are no certainties to be had here

When are there ever certainties?

We just have to live the best life we can. Worrying about all of this and what you should do seems to border on the old controlling Crimson. DBing got you this far, trust it to continue moving you forward.

Crimson - I'm in a similar place in my M. Like you... I want to just dive into a new M with her whenever she shows positive signs. You have to let her lead here. Remember the squirrel metaphor? She's definitely the squirrel but you're a bear trying to feed her a nut. She's got balls to come this far with you, let her get used to everything. Hey, it's not like I'm some pro at this. Mach has to keep feeding me Kung Fu David Carradine wisdom so I can stay on track. Just saying ... this is the advise I'm getting. You should read his comments on my post today...DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 3). That's an order Private Crimson.

[rickb89]

Someone wrote this is a letter, pretty smart dude:
Like I said, I thought I was being the greatest husband ever. ... Again, I was giving YOU the definition of a "great" husband, when it needs to be the other way around.

Well played LABug!

[workinghardguy]

That's pretty darn good... I know I always trumpeted what a good husband I was. But obviously not by my W's definition.

[sandi2]

Somehow, I have to figure out how to court someone that has very little trust in me right now. That is a tricky one. Suggestions???

Bear in mind that she fell for you the first time, so why wouldn't she fall the second? Just make sure she's seeing earnest charm. In other words, no fake stuff that some guys try to use. She knows you too well. But women still like a charming man.

Don't try too hard. Don't over-kill. Act relaxed (even if you don't feel it).

Don't "watch" her. I used to date a guy who was crazy about me, but he would never take his eyes off me. I could see him out the corner of my eye just watching. It was a turn-off. Don't confuse that with looking into her eyes when you talk to her or when she's talking to you.

When the two of you are on a date or whatever, keep it light. Don't go dine where the atmosphere is too intimate. Not yet. (Unless it's going walking together.) Do things that maybe you've never done that might be fun.

Be sensitive to her moods. I hope you've learned how to read her better.

I am not sure if I should propose a dinner date. Or maybe go over to her place and cook dinner for her.

You still have time. We'll put our thinking caps on.

I think I am at a place where I need to cool it a bit, perhaps - or at least back off some. I don't want to scare her off.

I think it would probably be good if she iniatated the TM's, emails, and calls. You might pull back a couple of days and see if she pursues. You don't want to make it a game, but you're right...you don't want to press too much.

I'll give Valentines some thought.