Learning as I go

[tested metal]

I took some St. John's Wort today which seems to have helped my mood and has calmed me down.

I was called at 8 am this morning by W asking me to "do her a favor" and pick up D an hour early because apparently the two had been up all night (teething) and she had to work a 13 hr. day. I (having gotten to bed at 3 am because I worked until 2 am) agreed to help her out not expecting anything whatsoever.

Tonight I got a text from her asking my address, zip code, and town of my birth. I replied the answers but asked her what she need them for. She replied "paperwork." I then asked what kind of paperwork and she did not reply back.

I think the reason that I was freaking out and that I have been feeling nervous is that I can just sense being served very soon with D papers.

Then again she might be asking for taxes reasons. It does no good to try to mind read.

I am no where prepared as I am trying to save $ for a L. I have consulted with L. I am also trying to get an apartment on my own (am renting a basement from friends until spring) and may have to move very soon if she decides to file and I have to fight for custody.

The nice thing is that I have a ton of friends that have offered to help me with attorney bill if need be (if she files).

I think for me the reason why I question whether it is MLC or not is because I am wondering if she was always like this and I never seen it, or did she just start acting crazy. If she started acting crazy and had mental problems, I could be a little more compassionate. Otherwise she would be a raving, coldhearted, B in my book and I would probably go after her with guns blazing (legal wise).

I still respect that she is the mother of my child and will leave D to decide what kind of relationship she will have with her mother.

I am pretty sure though that if W decides to D I will be closing the door on any potential of a future relationship because the damage will be too great.

Then again who knows? When we first started dating we had a conversation about cheating and how if it ever happened to us the relationship would be over.

I am now here trying to stand for our M and found out that I have more compassion, patience, and forgiveness than I ever thought I had (and I realize that 4 paragraphs ago I called W a coldhearted B.. LOL .

I am just riding the wave of emotions right now and trying to detach more. I have been doing NC pretty well for the last 2 weeks except for drop offs, pick ups, and 1 conversation about taxes.