IB, I wanted to let you know that Im really glad that your children can honestly let your xh know their feelings about their father flaunting this harlett around town. Imho, he and OW are behaving like complete jackasses. It seems like they're desperately trying to prove something to everyone, but WTH are they trying to prove? That they look like blooming idiots? Well rest assured they're doing a good job of it.
I mean if his very own children have honestly and kindly let him know they're uncomfortable with this and he still continues to act this way, well that's just him being deliberatly defiant in my opinion. Obviously his wants are all that matters now, and he's not in any sort of rational frame of mind. Either is OW for just going along with it!
I know the gut wrenching mixed emotions this causes for you. That's how I felt when stbx took OW to Thanksgiving and my mother in laws over the Holidays. My mother in law resented it too! No one likes this OW, including my children. Unfortuneatly my children haven't been able to vocalize to their father what they feel about this. Nor has he even asked them, tried to talk to them about it, nothing. It was " hey this is all about me and what I want. Everyone can learn to live with it". Even the whole family is like "WTF?" That is so hard to explain to young kids. I've been left with all the clean up of destruction and damage he's caused with the kids, let alone trying to put myself back together. When you see you're kids hurting, that's the worst of it.
However, my stbx did have waves of extreme arrogance in the past, layered with the most sweet and generous person you ever met. What threw me for a loop is that these arrogant waves were very far between, enough to make me forget about it till next time a wave hit. I swear OW is making it worse and has been pumping his mind full of crap. I am not solely placing blame on her, but I also know how impressionable STBX is. Sounds like your XH's OW is doing the same thing.
I also know how confused he truly was when he left, and how confused he was that 30 days after he left too. Any truth to what he said, he didn't know what the hell he was doing! all he was trying to do was find a way to be happy and he thought leaving me but remaing close ties with me was the way to start.
You are being hard on yourself IB. I completely identify with what you say you're feeling. I think what happens to us LBS is we get into system overload. We're trying to hold too much up and we get tired. My IC told me that it takes time, and it takes as long as it takes. To not be too hard on myself, do what needs to be done in terms of daily things to keep life running, but other than that just don't stress over anythng else. That was hard for me to do, but I did it. And it's excatly what I needed. Im learning about my expectations about myself ( too high) and what my limitations are. I've been too damn hard on myself.
I honestly don't know what I would do without this site and the true kindness of others.
This week a friend of X and myself found himself in the newspaper charged with solicitation. My X sends an email to me that says "....there but for the grace of God" You see, he was pulled over for something similar and stopped right before he acted.
I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing.
He seems so sure of himself today. Like ridding himself of the marriage - even at the cost of the family - was what was needed in order to get himself to this "good" place. He sees nothing wrong with his PDA with new woman in front of the kids, friends, family. This is "him" without being stifled by me.
I have to figure out what my next steps will be. I want a better life.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I truly feel for your pain. I am lucky enough to have my X and the OW live in another part of the state, so we don't 'bump' into each other. Your children are allowed to feel wht they feel, although I am sure he will blame you for their feelings, if the are not what he wants to hear.
As for the wedding, if he is unable to honor his D's request, ___k him. It is, after all, HER DAY. Although I expect, if he is like my ex, he will take exception and refuse to attend. HIS LOSS.
KML - it was phone dating chat lines that turn into live hook ups for cash...so yes, hookers.
Punkin - distance would help my situation immensely!
Wen - I don't find that sill at all - it's reaffirming!
I read my posts and feel as though I sound so wimpy or whiny. I'm just tired of the reminders of loss. I have a hard time redirecting my thoughts to my blessings and need to improve on that.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Sweetie, first things first - you feel what you feel. There are no wrong feelings.
You had a long term marriage. It's not easy to get over that.
And having to deal with your idiot xh acting like a fool along with his lowlife ow sure doesnt help.
Here's the thing. The only way to do this is through it.
So, you need to find ways to change your mindset. However you need to.
Personally if I had to deal with their ridiculous displays, I would walk in there looking great, and just act like you know they're crazy. When people look at them, and then at you, shrug your shoulders as if you are saying, "I know, crazy right?"
You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. That's the mindset you have to have at those games. They are the crazy ones. And trust me, people see it.
I am sorry that you have to deal with that and that your children do, also.
Remember they are looking to you to see how to deal with what life throws at them.
IB, your xh was doing some really terrible things. And sometimes when we look back, we tend to see with rose colored glasses. I think if you really look with honesty, there were some pretty bad spots in your marriage.
That said, only you can change how you feel. But dont put a timeline on it. Just get up each day and say to yourself, today I am going to try to have a good day. I am going to try to get one thing accomplished. I am going to live my life with dignity and confidence.
You may not make it everyday. But, that should always be the goal.
And when you are ready, you will begin to have those kinds of days.
You are more than the sum of your marriage, IB. That was a part of your life, not your whole life.
We, all of us, do not need another person to live. We may want them, but, we do not need them.
As far as your daughter and her marriage is concerned, that is her day to do as she likes. If her father chooses not to go, his loss all the way around.
Ummm...Irish - you didn't lose! You got rid of a prostitute-using slimebag and are now free to pursue a beautiful new life. Sounds like a winning proposition to me!
