I was the sperm donor. Her bio click was tickig and she wanted children from the moment we were wed (preg 5 months later).
This sounds very familiar married in May, Pregnant by November I think that is 5 months. W was desperate to get pregnant, it got very scientific using thermometers etc. At the time I found it quirky and was touched that this women really wanted to have children with me. As a mother again she was text-book in dealing with their physical needs but never seemed to connect emotionally. There were times when it seemed she could not tell if they were in pain or discomfort. W never really seemed to empathize when the were upset or unhappy. Later on of course she was happy just to walk away from her kids?
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When I look back she was always getting interested in a new activity, project, a diversion that didn't last. Hobbies, remodeling, karate, oil painting, children, learning a musical instrument, writing an autobiography (narcisistic?) not sticking with or finishing anything
I think as with my W these are possibly things to try and find an external source of happiness 'if only.......I would be happy. and also means of putting distance between us. I now think having children falls into the same category, but also a means (successful in my case) of sealing the deal.
With hindsight I should have looked closer at the family of origin.
With regards family of origin to quote my SIL their mother is 'the vainest person I know'. Even in her seventies obsessed by her appearance, Always need needs to be the center of attention. Her father was rejected by his own father and was brought up by relatives. He looked upon his family as his possessions. He was a very controlling and at times angry man. Her mother could not cope with one child but had three.
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She fills a need of his. I think that's what we are to them. People who fill a need at a particular time to be discarded and replaced as needs change.
All her family use the word my a lot as in my husband/wife, my son (not using his name), my (not our) house, my (not Our) bedroom. Sometimes it is like you don't exist as an individual or part of a couple.
'The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.'
None of W's siblings have reached their potential. BIL (a fifty year old child) has married a nice but insecure lady, who he treats with a total lack of respect. SILs husband known for his angry crazy outbursts!
All sounds depressingly familiar. I just wonder what damage has been done to my own children?
