Husband's wants out & one foot out the door...

[Womanontheverge]

Hi,

I am a newcomer and have been desperately waiting to post in this forum. Please forgive me if I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but I need to get this off my chest, and I will try to be as concise as possible.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have no children. This is the second marriage for both of us. When we originally got together, I he was already divorced, but I was legally separated, but still technically married. He knew this but we agreed to continue to see each other casually and started a bonafide relationship once my divorce was final.

Since we have been together (9 years in each other's lives, 6 years living together, 3 years married) I thought our relationship and subsequent marriage was fine. We had our ups and downs and arguments, but nothing that I felt would have me here right now.

My H is an entrepreneur and I had a corporate job until about 2 years ago. Since his business has been unsteady, I have been the breadwinner most of the time. I didn't have a problem with this, but I think it was taking a toll on his ego. In his past relationships and marriage, he took care of everything and I believe a lot of his self worth is tied to what he does for his significant other.

I have been growing increasingly frustrated because even though I was holding down the fort, he wasn't expressing any appreciation at all. Resentment set in and we were fighting like crazy. He is a very mild mannered and quiet guy and he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't like to argue, so he would rather say nothing than to argue which in turn infuriated me even more. Some of our interactions were not healthy (but never physical).

Fast forward to about 5 months ago, after the surprising death of his aunt, he announced to me that he needed to make a change in his life, that he wasn't happy in the marriage and hadn't been for awhile, that he actually "checked" out of the marriage back in '09 (never mentioned this to me) and that he wanted a divorce. He went on the tell me that every since we got together back in 03 that he was feeling guilty. He stated that God had spoke to him several time telling him that "he knows better than to deal with that woman" He said because he wanted to be with me, he ignored what he felt he heard and pursued me anyway. He also said that he subsequently married no only because he loved me, but he also felt that by "legitimizing" our union, that would somehow make it right with God.

He is now telling me that he feels because he was disobedient to go all those years ago that he felt our marriage has been "cursed" and that is why his business, and our marriage has not grown or prospered. He has NEVER told me about his until now. He said the reason why he didn't say anything was because he wanted to try to fix it on his own and he didn't want to hurt my feelings by suggesting that I was somehow a curse to him. So he kept it to himself while silently hoping that the marriage would self correct.

After he told me, he seems so convicted in leaving. I keep asking him to give me the opportunity to help him address the issues because I feel like I was fighting against a silent enemy that I didn't know was there.

He stated that he felt he gave it enough time in his mind because he has been tormented with guilt and depression about it for so many years. He is at his wits end and he wants out immediately. I feel hurt and devastated because I feel that he is not taking my feelings into considerations. I know that I have done things in the marriage that have made his feel emasculated, but I still feel like I don't deserve to be blindsided by this.

I really feel like he is going through a mid life crisis brought on by the unexpectedly death in his family, He feels like he is failure in every aspect of his life, including the marriage and he feels like he has no control of anything in his life. I think he feels that this is one thing he can control and decide on his own (and he feels justified in is decision) and one less thing that he has to feel disappointed about.

I love my husband very much and I want to save our marriage. He has moved out this week and it's killing me. I have prayed, read forums, the bible scriptures and everything else I can get my hands on to keep me motivated. I think he is so angry with himself and where he is in his life that he can't be rational.

I am trying to stay prayerful, but it is really wearing on me which is why I am truly a "woman on the verge".

Please help me!