I'm having a tough time lately. I'm not emotionally down like when the bomb dropped but confused mostly, and I feel anger creeping back in. If The Pats don't win it today I'll be in for a tough Monday!
I'm not even sure how to word what I feel. I'm attemtping to find some healthy mental balance between keeping the road home open and smooth for my W, and finding some way to prevent total burnout for me.
On the positive side my W has made enormous strides in her psychiatric program, has owned the lifelong issues, and has realized their impace on her, our M and family. Within this process she has shifted her attitude of blaming me, our M, outside influences as the cause of her emotions. She has come through an intitial total breakdown that lasted for months and is now in a different state alternating between euphoria and a sense that she can overcome this, to full despair and resorting to a kind of feral, hideaway state. Very up and down.
On my side I have the satisfaction that what I thought was going on, is in fact going on, and its not me or the M as a cause of this. I have the satisfaction of being able to trust my deeper instincts and assessments because I saw my W fight these demons all along and was positive that she had multiple trauma to face and learn to overcome. Through the years she wouldn't face these things and I tried as best I could to get her to face the issues. And when she targeted me and us, and spit revisionist history at me for months I really beagn to doubt myself as a person, as a human being, as a H and as a father. I was never on the ropes as much as I was then but the fighter in me would not let it go unchallenged. It lead to a lot of pushback to her at first but as I came to understand the DB program, and seeing my W starting to understand and own her troubles I began to feel like I was not the monster I had heard about for months.
I'm not sure where to go with this, and peole like Mach keep pointing me towards focusing on my life as a priority.
I'm not sure where to draw the line on this. On one hand people here will say she left you (emotionally, we're in the same house but diff rooms) and you should acknowledge that and focus on yourself only. On the other hand it has been our willingness to stay together and take the issues as they come that has contributed to our ongoing climb out of madness.
At one point my W had cut all ties with everyone, appeared to be having an A, and wanted out. Now she's here working on what she has to do and has made some gains. There's a possibility that she will come out of this a new and evolved person, and maybe that is something we will share in our M.
I feel good in that I was challenged as being deemed the biggest "F"head of all time. I stuck to my beliefs as hard as it was in the horrendous environment we were in. I feel good about who I am, my instincts, my core beliefs, the type of H and father I am.
I'm just completely burnt out and I'm not sure how long I can keep the "as if" face on. I'm getting mad or frustrated about it. I'm not even sure of the words. Mach was pointing out how much I refer to her in my recent post, and asked how can I lead from behind.
I don't know if I'm behind, in front, in outer space or lost in inner space. I have no clue but I do know I'm responsible for it all. If I let down, the house and finances go down. If I let down my kids suffer, my company and employee's suffer, my writing and creative partner suffers, I suffer.
If I focus on me only as many suggest, completely detach then I doubt there's any way our M can work out. She's extremely intimidated when she sense my distance. I feel like if I don't keep the cheerleade, Mr Positve, Mr Happy face on at all times, the whole thing caves in.
I've done a good job keeping the road home open for her and I see her taking it back to her sons, her family, her friends. I feel I'm part of this road back for her which she will take and completely miss me in the process, and in fact will take this road back and not even recognize me in this. I suspect it will be thanks but I didn't ask you to do this.
I'm not sure what to do. So I'm going to be part of this road to recovery for her that allows her to be past her issues, and back in her life, but I'm not part of this big happy reunion?
As long as I'm with her I don't think I'm the type who will be able to be with her and secretly be detached at the same time. I'm not inclined to playing the subterfuge game by nature. I'm just open and honest. If I decide to put me first then I don't know how I wouldn't just move on with my own life and that means move on totally.
I not sure what mindset to take that will work in this sitch. I'm unhappy and am looking for some practical steps to focus on me where i will feel fulfilled, and somehow being there for her through this.
Monkman - I just told you my life story. What about you? How's things in monkeeville?
