Wow, the more everyone posts the more one bell after another goes off in my head. And Im reminded again that I wasn't the crazy one, that this man I spent half my life with is alot worse than I thought he was.
"The few times she did apologize for something extreme like throwing something or hitting me she'd say, "I'm sorry for my behavior". I think this was a deflection as she wasn't responsible, it was her "behavior" that was at fault. She couldn't even own her own actions. The ultimate was when she began calling me "passive agressive" when I avoided contact with her after separation cause she was abusive. NO apollogy for her abuse but criticical of my actions in response to the abuse."
I have run into this several times during the marriage and even separation. Our reactions and standing up for ourselves from the abusive PA behavior always result in yet another way for them to find a way to grind us into the ground. My xh refused to speak to me for months. Then he hurt my daughter terribly by trying to cram OW down her throat. I had words for him and they were short and they were rude and I didn't care. Later down the road, I made a comment to him about how I knew he hated me, but he needed to grow up and speak to me in regards to scheduling if he wanted the kids to actually come and visit him. His response was that he didn't want to communicate with me for being rude to him the evening he had our 12 year old in hysterical tears. Excuse me? Look at their logic? It's ok to be classic PA and not speak to us, and give us the silent treatment. Then they forget about it, and act as if nothing happened. Then they pull some other stunt to hurt the family. We say "ouch" but how dare us say anything? How dare we disrespect them?
Im to the point I just don't care anymore. This thread came just in the knick of time because I have a very strong hunch that xh may be wanting to strike something up on the side with me.Had I not had this wonderful eye opener I'd be falling for it hook line and sinker. I may be wrong, but I wouldn't put anything past him.Unfortuneatly I know this man very well, and have had alot of time to connect the dots even more over the alst 9 months. I've been to this rodeo before. Be extra friendly with wife while he's got OW in the background. Is it cheating on your girlfriend when you're extra friendly with your wife? Gee.....
He can also use the legitiamte excuse of " all I was doing is keeping in contact for the kids sake". Uh huh. Yes his other reason for being inappropriate when this all started was that he didn't know how to break up with someone.
"It would explain to some extent how he blamed my "strong personality" for his unhappiness. Don't read that as bossy....I was never bossy and he had all the freedom in the world to come and go as he pleased. Ironic, really, and truly bizarre. And a perfect storm for MLC."
Thank you so much for sharing that GNW....That is the line I was given when xh first left. " You're so controlling". For the life of me I couldn't see what he was talking about! He made every possible attempt to avoid responsibility. I had to pay the bills, so I had to ask for money. But to him that's me taking all his money and he must be financially strapped to me the rest of his life and there is no escape. He has always either left things undone, things that needed tended to, like bills. He'd ask my opinion about things, ask me to do things, always placing things in my hands. I would step up to the plate, but he then saw this as controlling.
XH was not asked to do anything unless it just had to be done. He sat in his corner doing what he wanted all the time. I took care of everything.
Now I realize the damage I did to myself and the co dependent relationship I had developed because of this dynamic. I honestly believed if I did everything he wanted he'd love me back. After a while I realized nothing I did changed his behavior towards me.
What even frustrates me even more is that I consistently have to keep minimal contact with him...more than ususal. His lovely work schedule changes every 5 days. No set days off, so we can't just mark off every other Saturday and Sunday and let it be.
Im still working through the hurt that's been caused for me through this. But I do accept what he is, and also accept that being with him would never be a normal relationship. That can't ever be normal because PA is very abnormal. It still saddens me, for we did have several really good years for a while. But the PA was still there, just not so prominent. He was much easier to appease many years ago. However I strongly feel he grew jealous of the kids, and had no concept that his behavior had everything to do with the marital break down. Sorry, if you reject your wife and kids at every oppurtunity given for connection, don't place blame when the kids and wife go on their own way and ignore the silent treatment tantrums.
