MLC or Passive Aggressive or Narcissism

[greatwhitenorth]

Snodderly, I will take your advice and not bring it up. I'll be cordial and positive and tend to the things I need to do to prepare for my dinner guests later that night. The smells of homemade bread and dry ribs slow roasting in the oven are sure to be reminders of some of the things he's missing out on. ;-)

H physically showed up. He took care of the "manly" things around the house...the pool, the boat, the vehicles, the grass. But emotionally he didn't. Even our honeymoon was just another trip for him. Crying on three days of it and cleaning up his projectile vomit while he was stone cold passed out was not a highlight, I have to say. He could plan the crap out of UFC night or hunting or fishing with the guys, but he never once planned anything for us. Not even where to go for dinner.

As for being called on his crap, you're right about that. It's part of not facing themselves, of running away. H said "I'm sorry for ruining your life" but he never said he was sorry for cheating on me. Had to make it about my life (which isn't ruined, by the way. I'm happier now than I have been in a very long time. H did all the classic PA behaviours and I responded classically, even down to psychosomatic symptoms in the form of a cough that lasted for years and went away when he left.) instead of about his choices.

4 and Sleeper...I was shaking my head while reading your newest posts. It's just uncanny. H said about his affair and leaving our marriage "I screwed up again and it has to be the last time." Apparently he was going to *learn* for the homewrecker and not for me. I know now it's all BS...he knows he screwed up, but he's not going to do anything about it. During this same conversation (it was like he was manic, quite soon after I busted him but before I found out he had lied about ending things with her) he said "I manipulated the truth" blah blah. WTH does that mean? Most of us would say we lied. Makes me laugh now, actually.

I think all this leads back to his strong mother and weak father. His father was functionally illerate and quite sick through most of his life, staring death in the face multiple times. He didn't drive and took care of none of the household responsibilities. He was given his death notice just a few weeks before our marriage and he died a few weeks after. While things seemed to start going downhill just after we decided to wed (him complaining that the front hall in the house was too small and we couldn't possibly stay there), and sped up after the wedding. He's mad at his father for being weak and at his mother for being strong (blames her for his father's weakness), and feels guilty about it. This, I would imagine, is the unresolved childhood issue/trauma. He probably had no voice growing up and never learned how to navigate conflict. It would explain to some extent how he blamed my "strong personality" for his unhappiness. Don't read that as bossy....I was never bossy and he had all the freedom in the world to come and go as he pleased. Ironic, really, and truly bizarre. And a perfect storm for MLC.