The PA is very self destructive. 4 years ago when my W had an affair, post affair she actually admitted this 'why when things are going so well do I always have to go and do something stupid'.
The Affair/Replay seems to be like a mini MLC with short phases of Withdrawal and Depression but no Acceptance. 4 years ago she also touched on issues with her controlling father and her vain critical mother with whom she has never formed a close bond, but who she has pursued to try to get closer to. Almost immediately these thoughts were dismissed and what I think are her replay behaviors set in: taking on as many activities as possible to keep me at arms length.
'The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.'
It seems because the PA is angry and frustrated from childhood and still has unmet needs they tend to externalize everything. You make them unhappy and they look for that 'special person' to make them happy. But all the time they will claim to be happy people?
The PA sees their role in a relationship as merely to turn up, the other partner must to all the work and have all the empathy.
'The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.'
The PA would rather destroy you (their main aim) their family and ultimately themselves rather than admit they are at fault.
In my view unless there is Acceptance and Individuation you will basically be stuck on the endless PA battleground.
Meanwhile the PA will exhibit a controlled and outwardly happy persona to the world. You will look like the crazy, angry person who has destroyed the marriage.
