First off here's a suggestion for you to consider.
You seem very bitter that he spends so much money on himself, and hasn't given you a gift. I don't know whether you have given him one this season?
Here's a 180. YOU give HIM a present. You don't have much money, so make it modest but well chosen. See if that starts the ball rolling. If you are attached so much to wanting to get a gift from him, and it isn't working, try something else!
Livnlearn (who would write more, but D is pestering me for attention!)
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I bought him a book (on Wedndesday) thathe wanted this past fall when we had no money. He thanked me and hugged me.
Previously, I always had the philosophy that since neither he nor 1st husband was much good at it, I bought myself what I wanted, within reason. This past year, we were quite poor, and I only had a part time job when H left. Part of the resentment is that while I was just getting by, he was living it up. I still had the bills, he still had the income. oh well.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Quote: He is like other WAS's who don't seem to be doing anythin g to work on the M. He is trying to be nicer to me and the kids, but no reading on anything that would help him to improve himself or M. It's all up to me, yet he acts as if he is really doing something. I can't even talk to him without the defensive anger. So I don't try anymore.
Remember some time ago you said you wished you at least had H with you in order to practice your DBing principles on?? Well, he's there with you now!
I have a suggestion. I know you have very little spare time these days. But firstly, take a week 'off'.
By this I mean, just go easy on things between H and yourself, have no expectations, don't push his buttons and don't let him push yours. 'Do nothing' as it were. Just remain pleasant.
In any spare time you have - lunch breaks, late at night before going to bed, on the toilet or whatever, read one of the DB books and make a list of things you can do - goals and promises to yourself. Even if they are one or two simple things. And stick to that plan like glue. See what happens!
Remember, DBing works with only one person making a conscious effort! That's why you are here, and many would give their eye teeth to have their H's home, including myself!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey guys. It's been busy here, then we got snowed in for a couple of days. H is at the computer or right here so I don't feel comfortable posting much. He went to work a little while ago.
Things had not been going so great lately. He is responding to the kids with irritation (even his son) and the sweet guy who came home is gone. He talks about how "we have changed" and I don't know what he is talking about in regards to himself. Well, he doesnt really talk about R at all unless I do. Anyways, I had mentioned a week ago that since we had decided not to go to counselling, that putting God first in our lives, having daily bible study and prayer together and having a Christ centered home would supercede any need for counselling.... and since we are not doing that, we need to decide if we are going to counselling or not. He said we need to really work on Bible study and prayer. He will do this if I ask him to, but I forget too, and don't really want to carry the responsibility for it all the time. I am trying to be committed to at least my own personal prayer time.
We actually had a wonderful weekend and yesterday at home with the kids. We ML A LOT! And that really drew us closer. I don't want our marriage to be based on that, but sex seems to be his love language. He is much more loving and attentive when we are very active. But still.... nothing else has changed. I couldnt sleep last night for some reason.... at times almost felt panicky, but no real panic attack or even close. Fell asleep around 4am, D7 woke me up on the couch at about 5am, about 7 I got up and went to bed, 7:30 phone rang- manager letting me know my work is closed today... then I got up again to make some work related calls. Went back to bed at 8:30. H got up, took a shower and got ready for work, and left with very little to say. After how close we had been, it was odd. He did ask if I was feeling okay, and I reminded him I had had very little sleep and I had to get up again because the kids were making so much noise and running wild (H is usually very strict about noise in the house and this morning he just let them be wild while I tried to get some sleep)
The roads here are awful. The news says to stay in for safety, avoid driving. He had told his boss he would probably not be in. So it was odd. We didn't discuss his going in, or anything at all. Almost like he was avoiding me.
As for the gift thing... after mentioning it to him a few times, I bought myself a beautiful ring last week. (Not a solitaire! A clearance ring with channeled diamonds, very pretty). He didnt seem to mind at all. He said that he had ordered me something that would come this week.
So, that is where we are. I have only myself to blame for having high expectations of him... I should have none. I have not pursued my own interests. I have let everything slip.
One day last week I was trying to read the bible in the bedroom and he came in to talk and see what I was doing and lingered and lingered. I felt like he was trying to keep me from doing the thing we had agreed on....when it was the first time I had even tried in a while. We had words about it and he stomped out of the room. We argued about it later. He was snotty and completely unable to acknowledge it. So I just gave up on talking to him and asked him if we could come back to it another time, which we both know well we never do. and didnt. I guess that is a major problem, we are unable to work out problems together. I feel like all I do is come here and complain. I read other peoples threads and feel like I have nothing helpful to say. I don't know what I am doing, so how could I help anyone else?...... I do love H, and we had a great 3 days together. I am sure my lack of sleep is affecting my mood.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Go back and read the books, Dragy. Read read read read. They'll help you focus on how to react to H's behavior in a way that doesn't make things worse. Do something different! Ract in ways you wouldn't have before!
*HUGS*
Quote: One day last week I was trying to read the bible in the bedroom and he came in to talk and see what I was doing and lingered and lingered. I felt like he was trying to keep me from doing the thing we had agreed on....when it was the first time I had even tried in a while. We had words about it and he stomped out of the room.
Is it possible he wanted an invitation to read with you? Maybe a "Honey, want to sit down and read this psalm (or whatever) with me?", to make him feel included?
I know that I linger around people when I want to be included in things and can't come right out and say it.
I know you don't want to feel responsible for the worship, but maybe it's something you'll have to do for a little bit for the sake of your marriage. If it continues on for a long, long time, you can think of ways to gradually share the responsiblity, but your reconciliation is so new I'd stick with it for a bit and see what happens.
Don't forget, too, you can let the little things go. Some things aren't worth arguing about.
Good luck, sweety. I'm pulling for you and very, very sure you two can do this.
I woke up from a bad dream that he had left again. Woke up crying. I have to remember the things about him that make him who he is. That coming from the home that he came from, our communication problems and the way he treats my kids must seem pretty great to him. I have to remember that he is/was lacking maturity and I have got to stop holding him to some high standard of behavior, and have less expectations of him. He has continued to make the effort to show love in small ways this week, even though I have withdrawn. A relationship can't be as close as we were last weekend 24/7. Satan has been at work again here, pushing us apart because we had gained some ground in the marriage. I have to be resistant to that. I have to act, not react.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Wow, its been a while since I posted. H has sent me flowers twice, and a box of romantic candles. He is working on the things he needs to be... and I am as well. I have suggested devotions a couple of times and we did. I mentioned to him about a marriage retreat weekend I had heard on the chrisitan radio station I listen to and he was all for it! So we are going in March. He made the arrangements
I am learning more about backing off and holding my tongue, and not being so bossy. But he says it is still hard to talk to me about things if it seems like it might go into an arguement.
I have a job offer which will decrease my working hours and stress level, and I thank God for that.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
