Everything changes when you have children. It's hard for me to find anything in this relationship that is worth salvaging. Don't invest in something that has no value.
Ouch. Okay guys, now this OP sounds strong, and is ready to carry on.
And while of COURSE I agree that children make an M more, .... salvagable, and length of M too, I just don't understand how a man who cheats is 'flawed' where one who goes and does the same offence who has been married and commited for years, who has children he is suppose to protect and love, does it is any better?
I myself have gotten very little support on these boards because my R is only a year and a half total and we were only engaged. Fair enough. I guess people don't relate to my sitch and thats fine.
But I really hate to see this for others because it hurts to come on here and look seek out help only to be told that your paticular sitch is not worth fighting for b/c their are no children or years involved.
I'm relatively new here, so take from this what you will.
Gotta go with 111 on this one. Reading these posts last night got to me, and put me in the mindset to give up.
I understand where Kml & CV are coming from, but people come here for support. To be told their sitch isn't important enough to work out for any reason YOU think, is just not helpful.
Maybe guiding her to think about why she no longer wants to save the M would have been a better way to go.
No one is saying your relationships aren't important.
But you have to think very carefully before you marry/have kids, whether this person is a good choice to be the future parent of your children.
Sometimes we get so caught up in "winning" the relationship, we don't look ahead.
I speak from experience. I met my H in our 20's. I was crazy about him, and I was hungry for a relationship to validate me. I also, like many women in their late 20's, wanted to start a family before I was in my 30's.
I blew past many red flags in his behavior because I was so in love with him. He slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding and spent the first six months of our marriage writing to her (I didn't find out he actually slept with her until years later, when I was 9 month pregnant with our second child.)
I attempted to kick him out when I found out he'd been writing to her, but he pleaded and I let him stay. Eventually we renewed our vows privately and I thought things were good. We had three kids, a good life, a good relationship - except for his periodic bouts of the blues and dissatisfaction.
He had an affair when the kids were preteens and early teens. Devastated them and me. And I felt guilty that I had taken a chance on him, knowing he was capable of cheating, and now my kids were paying the price in pain.
We reconciled with the help of this message board, and we actually had some of the best years of our marriage. Unfortunately, a combination of health issues and MLC finally led to my H leaving. My life now as a single woman is actually really great, but it still pains me that my kids have to suffer - and they do, even though they are all in college now.
My point in telling this story is this: if you are young and early in a relationship, and an affair is happening, the odds that the behavior will repeat are very very high. And when there are children involved later - it is heartbreaking. Ask yourself why you don't think you deserve someone who adores you and treats you RIGHT?
I remember your sitch, and I'm sorry that it turned out that way. You were such a courageous and hard working DBer. It sounds like you're in a good place now, and I'm glad about that.
On the other hand, sometimes these struggles are important and help us to grow in ways we never would. The freshness of the relationship and one's youth are factors but every instance of love is important and worth salvaging. It's up to the persons involved to make the call to stay or go.
I have to admit i was a little miffed by the negativity of a few of the previous responses but know that at the end of the day it is my decision and mine only. (and thanks for the support 111).To be honest with you i don't know if i want to save this at this point.
He does not have a history of cheating or being disrespectful or even mean in any way. He has become a completely different person in the last 6 months and is in a self-destructive mode, not just with me but other aspects of his life. i know he is on a journey of some sort and only he can figure that s&^@t out. I am working on me and me only and isn't that the underlying them of DB. the things i learned from reading the books and using this forum will help me with whatever relationship i am in in the future, whether with current husband or not. I know that with or without him...i'm going to be ok and have the love and support that i need to get through this awful situation. I don't know if i want him back in my heart and in my life...i know i don't as the person he is right now. But thats not to say that if things change, these feelings won't. I know i still love him because you can't turn that off after 5 years. with help (professional health) i would consider taking him back, or atleast opening my heart a smidgen to let him in...but again would go in with a cautious heart.
I take marriage very seriously and didn't rush into this or get caught up in the momentum of it...heck we were engaged for 2.5 years and have lived together for 4. Heck he moved continents for me i think he had 4 years prior to being married to think about if he wanted this or not. He is a strong personality, as am i. I know i wouldn't have married him if i had any doubt in my heart and soul and i know he is the same. Again, I take the vows of marriage very seriously and sometimes that means having to fight a little harder for what you have committed to regardless of whether it is 6 months or 60 years. People have the ability to get through this situation and worse all the time, and you see examples of that on these boards . I think it is hard for people, not knowing every detail all of the day to day..in the weeds details, to tell someone to give up and its not worth it because its a young relationship and there are no kids involved. In fact there might not ever be kids involved. Right now i don't want them and who knows if that will ever change.
I do know that people do make mistakes...heck we are human afterall. And young love or not people get over awful things....much more awful than this. I know that whatever my decision at the end of this situation i will be making with confidence.
Well, if you do not plan on ever having children, then the risk you are taking is with your own heart only - that is a very different thing.
BUT - do not lie to yourself - it is only my facing the truth that we can grow. You say:
Quote:
He does not have a history of cheating
You said yourself, he was having inappropriate text messaging with this woman before you got married. That's cheating. And the odds are extremely high that a lot more was going on then than you know.
He lied to you, made it seem like you were the one in the wrong for snooping, told you it wasn't anything - but subsequent behaviors prove that you were right to be suspicious of it in the first place.
He may be a guy who needs that dopamine thrill of infatuation, and once that started to wear off in your relationship, he had to go find it somewhere else (some men are romance addicts that way). He may just be a dumb guy with poor boundaries who got sucked into a predatory girl's clutches. He may be someone subject to periodic depression, who deals with it by getting that dopamine lift of an affair.
Any of those things are going to take a lot of work on his part to fix, and a lot of self-awareness. So I would just advise you NOT to do what I did - taking him back without making the work.
A guy who truly wanted to save his relationship with you would go to counseling, give you total access to his email and phone accounts, be willing to live separately and date you for a year to prove his intentions.
Thanks KML, I agree with this post WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I have clearer defined boundaries now that i ever have and know it will take a whole list of things/actions and commitments for me to open my heart and home to him again...and if he isn't willing to accept ALL of these things and do the work...then its a deal breaker.
I have made a promise to myself that i will stand by this for my own integrity , dignity and frankly sanity!
EA, I didn't mean to sound harsh with my statement, but it was my honest viewpoint. I can't see what's salvageable in the marriage. (I also apologize for skipping over some of the middle posts, where you were doing some fabulous DB'g. I just noticed the current "tossing of the wardrobe" incident and went from there.)
BUT.... I'm not in love with him and never was. There was something that drew you to him in the first place so obviously there was something for you at least at one time. In spite of that, for you to say, "To be honest with you i don't know if i want to save this at this point" shows that you're at least seeing some of what I can see from my objective viewpoint (as objective as it can be hearing only one side of the story) even blurred by your feelings for him. Perhaps tomorrow everything will turn a 180 for you and you'll rediscover a list of reasons to save it, and I sincerely hope it does.
None of us want to see someone else make the same mistakes that we made, so our responses will reflect that. They're not intended to beat you up or convince you of your decision, only to lay something out for consideration. And sometimes, it's just nice to know that it's okay to put down the sword and stop fighting. The final decision is up to you, of course. Take what helps and throw away the rest.
Having children does not make your M any more or less worthy of saving. What is does do is amplify the problems an immeasurable degree. Can you imagine at this point having to turn your children over to your H every other weekend, so that he and OW could go play house?
Bottom line, everything you just said in your previous post is perfect! Your possible future children (with or without current H) will be blessed because of it.
