Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

BH - I didn't think you were saying I was boring, but my sitch sure is, as far as I'm concerned. My curveball is this: I no longer allow H to kiss or hug me hullo/goodbye when he leaves/returns on trips (that was the last of any kind of physical contact, and I instituted it in the last month). I am really not interested in him, and have my boundaries firmly in place. He wasn't supposed to come home this weekend, but he decided to do so. He actually asked me if I minded. Weird! He is talking to me more. Again ... weird! I don't start conversations, and don't engage unless he does, then I am friendly. No need not to be. What he doesn't know is that it's too late. He does know what buttons to push, but I think he's getting confused because none of the buttons he's tried to push has had any results lately. Hmmmm ... I wonder what he's thinking ... 'eh, don't care.

Beatrice, I looked at 4MF's thread ... really interesting. My H shows/ed a lot of the traits of a Passive-Aggressive. I know he is very controlling, but that doesn't bother me anymore. He thinks he's controlling me now, but he's not. I just don't care anymore. I have no interest in sustaining this R anymore. The ship has sailed, but if he can swim fast enough and catch up ... hahaha, not possible.

So, this is where we stand now. I am no longer interested in hoping that my M will last. It's a pointless R ... there's no communication, no team work, kids are grown so no-one there to influence me to stay ... I'm just done. The door is closed and locked, windows fastened ... if, IF, he wants back in, he will have to find another way, but he will have to be really creative. I cannot see myself renewing our M, or even trying for a completely new one after D, as some people do. Just don't want him anymore. A month ago, I might've said the door is still unlocked, but no more. He's left it too long. I am so detached that, when I look at him, I feel nothing. No excitement when he's about to return home (as I used to) ... nothing.

I don't even know what a normal, loving, intimate R is like. I want that, but if I can't have that, then I don't want one at all.