H had gone to counseling a few days ago, and came home and asked me to go with him for his appt this morning. First thing I did was feel my heart drop cause I thought... ut oh, he has something to lay on me and doesn't want to tell me here. But that is not what it was. The priest just thought it would be a good idea to meet with both of us to talk about where I'm at, as it helps with H.
I did not expect things to take such an emotional turn with H. We had a very good talk... and I could see that H had formed a good friendship with the priest. They have a natural connection which is good I think. At the end of our talk, the priest began to lead a closing prayer and a blessing over our M. During this, H began to break down, I mean he really lost it and was sobbing and couldn't catch his breath. I put my hand on his arm and let him cry. He couldn't stop and I was starting to feel scared for him because it sounded like a deep pain was just emptying out of him. And after he could catch his breath he said the following:
"What was I thinking last summer? What was wrong with me? How could I do this to you, to (our d)?"
"I'm so sorry. I will never let anything come between us again."
"Why didn't I see what I was doing? I just went crazy. I was so selfish and crazy and I didn't care about who I was hurting".
He said some other things too but don't want to put it here as it's personal but he released a boat load of pain. When he calmed down, we talked awhile and he seemed to feel so much better... we had a good evening together, but before bed, he said "Do you hate me? I worry that you must hate me" and he started to get emotional again.
I told him "No I don't hate you." and he started sobbing again. And he said, "I don't want to lose you. I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and you're going to get fed up with me and that will be it". I hugged him tight and told him, that this was exactly how I felt last summer.... and we both actually laughed a little. I don't know why but we did.
I assured H that I want this marriage with my whole heart, and he said he did too.
So that is where we are now. He's going through some emotional things.... and although I know I can't fix it, I can listen. I just hope I handled it OK.
I know that he's 100% on board with wanting to save our M....and I am too.
The thing is, I have not been able yet to say "I forgive you". I don't know if I'm quite there yet but I think he wants to hear that.
