New to piecing

[dragonflie]

how much a couple of days change things.
I am depressed.
He went skiing with his cousin yesterday. That was something we used to do together and I really couldnt understand why he would not want me to go with. But I gave him the go ahead. I made plans with a friend and her daughter and we were busy all day. Then H and I went to a movie last night. On the way there we had talked about his brother being on antidepressants or some med for anger/anxiety. He talked about how it has made a big difference - positive difference- in his brother.
In the past H has always acted and said if I had prayed about the depression instead of taking meds and going to the dr, then maybe I wouldnt have to be on meds.
So last night, I told him that it amazes me that I can still have so much tension and anxiety while on 2 antidepressants and 2 nerve pills. He acted aghast at this news (new meds) and asked AGAIN if I had prayed about this instead of taking meds. I told him I prayed continuously after he left and at times considered hospitalizing myself. There were days when my mom had to take care of the kids because I just wasnt able. And it was God and the meds and the caring of others that kept me out of the hospital. It surely wasnt any help or love from him. (I didnt say that last part)
And then I asked him if he prayed instead of going to the ER last fall with chest pain that was heartburn, and then had multiple expensive tests to determine that he still has heartburn. And asked him if he had prayed about that condition instead of taking the meds the dr gave him for it.
He said it had not occured to him!!

He has never understood depression and never helped me or supported me in any way regarding that.

All he cares about is himself. I knew that before he left, while he was gone, and now I get to live it again.
Why on earth did I think that I could do this? Only care about him while he ignores my needs>??? With a new full time job that leaves no time for the needs of my children. I am overextended and over whelmed and I have NO help from him.
Obviously, I am very resentful.
He acted aghast that I wasnt going to church this morning (as if he acknowledges that God exists on any other day besides Sunday and Wednesday).
He insisted that the kids go. Whatever.

I was so close to God and at times had achieved a sense of peace in my life that was evident to others who had mentioned it to me..... and now I am not.
I really don't know what to do or when I would do it if I knew what to do , besides get back to praying.

He is like other WAS's who don't seem to be doing anythin g to work on the M. He is trying to be nicer to me and the kids, but no reading on anything that would help him to improve himself or M.
It's all up to me, yet he acts as if he is really doing something. I can't even talk to him without the defensive anger. So I don't try anymore.

Last night we went to a movie and had absolutely nothing to say to one another the whole way home or afterwards.
He fell asleep in the chair, then went to bed, told me ILY.
I was bitter because he had bought himself some more stuff on his ski trip, and some movies earlier this week.
I am still bitter that he spends all of his money on himself, while he told me he couldnt write a ck for the trash man last week.
I have come right out and asked him to get me a gift.
If it was in his heart, he would have. He buys himself more gifts than anyone I have ever known.
We talked one night after ML about the love languages.... and that his is touch and words of affirmation. He said mine is acts of service. well if he knows that, then what is holding him back from doing something?
I mentioned that while we have a primary love language, we need to speak the other languages as well.
I guess I just don't have any indication that he loves me except that he says he does. And that he is here.

I am not db'ing at all.