separated 31 days

[Yogoer]

I am really missing her today. She stopped by - I'm staying with my mother for the time being and the two of them have been walking our dogs at the beach together. I think it's really an excuse to see me because she always comes up to the apartment when there really is no need to do so. She invited me along this time, but it just didn't feel right (she has been giving me the script in not so friendly terms the last couple of days). I said "do you really want me to come?" Because frankly, I couldn't imagine she did. I should have just said yes or no, but it's hard when she is around.

She verbally bashed me for a minute or two on the way out, but I said nothing. That's progress for me. I'm tired of fighting. She is now 3 weeks w/o medicine. I try not to let that color my vision of her, but can't help but wonder how much it has to do with the way she is behaving.

But I digress. I need to keep this about me, about my improvement. I am going out with friends all day tomorrow - I haven't been with friends here in months. Trying to GAL. I also signed myself up for guitar lessons (lifelong dream) and a few weeks ago signed myself up for yoga teacher training in Costa Rica (another dream), so I leave in a few days. I've been seeing an IC as well, which has helped if only to give me someone unbiased to talk to. I love my friends and family, but everyone is so on my side. My ego is too big - I need humility so I can improve myself.

I realized I've been trying to make changes for her instead of me. That's not going to do me any good long term.

I just want to be a good person.

Weekends are hard.

Ok, good night (yeah right, I'll be up all night again!)