Just to give an update on my parents - because that was a hot topic week or so ago, they booked their tickets back home today. They will be bailing out 3/3, so about another 3 or 4 weeks. No big deal, as I will be traveling for work during part of that time. I think that will really help clear the way for W and me to keep moving forward.
I am really happy to hear all these wonderful news in your sitch.
I have read on some vets' success stories that piecing is hard work, so I am glad you are aware and ready for the challenge.
Don't get me wrong - like you, I'd rather be climbing that mountain myself
Keep up the good work. I will keep following you to get some inspiration!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Crimson - I used to read your posts with a sense of dread for you even though as an individual you were doing amazing work. Now I come to your thread for the good news!
So I am realizing what the new challenges are/are going to be. Interesting that you think when you reach this stage the sailing will be smoother....I mean, it IS in one respect - but in others it is just the same to a degree.
So last week, during MC w was talking about all of the things that she didn't have in the house....kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, and so on. The MC suggested as an activity that we can do together we go out this weekend and get her some things that she needs. Financially, I knew that it was incumbent upon me to pay for it - but I didn't really care. (I'll get back to this ^^^^ in a minute)
Yesterday I was browsing for things to do with her "date-wise" and found a concert next week that she would kill to go to, and a comedian in April that she would like to see. She was excited about both. Haven't purchased tickets yet - but I probably will. This morning I went to a farmers market downtown and texted her if she wanted anything (she is mostly vegetarian) she said "sure!". So I picked up some of her faves and went to meet a friend for coffee (GAL continues).
She texted me about the time to meet to pick up stuff for her. I told her that I would pass right by her place on the way home and I could just pick her and S up on the way. She responded that she would prefer to drive....that the sudden increase in attention was overwhelming her. Then, I started to feel bad.....sorta rejected in a way. I realized that maybe I was moving too fast....expecting too much. I started to beat myself up about it. Regardless, I did my best to get over it - but still felt crappy that she had to make that statement.
So we met up at a Target (was sooooo happy to see her and S) and did some shopping for her. Then the three of us went to lunch. We had another great talk just catching up on things...her work, and so on. The whole time was pleasant and we laughed and made a few jokes. I walked them back to W's car and buckled in the baby. I kinda thought she would look at me and say good-bye or something, but she just kinda piled into the drivers seat and said "see you tomorrow" (for the hand-off) without even looking at me. I walked away confused.
The new challenge for me is WHAT TO DO! I don't know how to handle dating someone that I am married to. Don't get me wrong....I am S T O K E D that I have made this progress, but I think I am hungering too much for more. I find myself doubting that she is interested in me at all (dangerous mind reading, I know).
Granted, I know that she is in a place now where she is working to reestablish trust in me and see if what I have done is genuine. I guess I (foolishly) believe that if I know that these changes are for real, then she should as well. Flawed logic - I know. Then I wonder if she will EVER believe....or how long before she will. Months? Years?
Then I guess part of me was like "wow, I am buying supplies for HER new place....just how long does she plan on being there??". That line of thought just kinda made me sad and realize that I am not very far down this path.
So what do I do? Anyone been here before? How to I balance proper "pacing" with a desire to make progress? I don't want to mess this up. After the "overwhelming" remark I figured I'd better slow it down. Maybe forget about the concert (though she sounded 100% interested).
I am really confused and without a map right now. I feel like the dog that finally caught the car....."now what....???"
Crimsom...I'm in a relatively similar sitch to you and have been for a few months. In some ways this stage is as hard as the bomb stage....maybe harder. You really have to be cool here. Your W is gonna be all over the place emotionally....and she come towards you...then back off....all according to her inner voice....which she won't share fully. I'm telling you...the changes you have made will be so tested.
Just keep reminding yourself that you would have chewed your own arm off to have this chance just a short time ago.
Crimson, you are in a tough but enviable spot, to be sure...
"She texted me about the time to meet to pick up stuff for her. I told her that I would pass right by her place on the way home and I could just pick her and S up on the way. She responded that she would prefer to drive....that the sudden increase in attention was overwhelming her. Then, I started to feel bad.....sorta rejected in a way. I realized that maybe I was moving too fast....expecting too much. I started to beat myself up about it. Regardless, I did my best to get over it - but still felt crappy that she had to make that statement."
You are in a precarious position and you need to take it very slow. Don't beat yourself up but also set the proper expectation so that you aren't disappointed when things don't go as you hoped they would. The fact that she is being open and honest with you about her feelings (i.e. attention is overwhelming) is golden information and you need to act accordingly. If she is overwhelmed, back off some. If she is feeling lonely, pick up the pace some, etc., etc. Just let her clues direct how you will navigate these choppy waters.
"I walked them back to W's car and buckled in the baby. I kinda thought she would look at me and say good-bye or something, but she just kinda piled into the drivers seat and said "see you tomorrow" (for the hand-off) without even looking at me."
OK, so deal with it. This is the first meeting since you met at the MC and it was mostly good and a little off in some areas. Balance the two and move forward. Don't dwell on the bad parts or it will way you down and you may end up overcompensating during the next interaction which would be bad.
"The new challenge for me is WHAT TO DO! I don't know how to handle dating someone that I am married to. Don't get me wrong....I am S T O K E D that I have made this progress, but I think I am hungering too much for more. I find myself doubting that she is interested in me at all (dangerous mind reading, I know)."
These are probably typical feelings. But come on Crimson! What were you expecting? You've got to take it one day at a time. There are going to be good and bad days. Eventually you are either going to get more good days than bad or vise, versa. Just deal with it as it comes and have no expectations. go with the flow!!
I think you should consider setting some emotional boundaries right now. Somewhere in DR it talks about accepting some but not all invitations to meet with your W. Maybe you should not plan to meet again until your next MC session and then maybe let a week go by before you two do something together again. I think it is just as important now as it was before to maintain your GAL and create some mystery.
Just take it slow. One day at a time. Limit your expectations. Maintain your GAL. Create mystery. Hang on!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
