Hi Dragonflie,

You posted over at my place a few days ago...don't know if you saw my response....
I know it may not seem like it ...but you're doing fine!!

Sounds like a pretty confusing time right now, trying to sort of re-adjust to each other and see what issues are REALLY important to you and which ones you can just let go of for a while........

How about YOU decide that....and don't let your H be the one who decides what you will and will not consider up for grabs for discussion....

Takes the R off of him and gives you alittle more control!!

In other words....don't keep expecting him to figure out what to say or not say...do or not do....It sounds like he is more confused right now than you and needs to get some bearings.....

I KNOW this sounds like an impossible task...but remember....he doesn't have your DB advantage!!!

Maybe the reason he can't stand you being upset is HE doesn't know what to DO WITH YOUR upset.....He is hardly an expert on himself right now!...let alone about you......

Try not expecting ANYTHING!!! Nada, zilch, zippo, NOTHIN'


You are probbally better at dealing with yourself right now than HE is.....

Please remember finances are just bills.....we all have them...they don't go away.....we will always have them...so let's see if we can find a way for you to approach this subject in a matter of fact....NO FAULT sort of appraoch...kind of like brushing your teeth or flossing....all NESSESSARY EVILS!!!

Ignoring them does NOT solve the problem...and frankly neither does your taking it all on by yourself...unless of course you want to end up with a big plate full of resentment in front of you at the dinner table!!!

Could you agree to set a side one hour each monday( whatever) night...make it a firm committment of one hour no more...and the first few times set an egg timer if you have to and DON"T go over the hour!!....It will let him know it is not a prison sentence...it DOES have an ending!!...to just "go over" the bills, so nothing "gets out of hand"?????

Try to remain calm.
Don't use this time for any emotional issues....just business....strictly business....what you can pay now and what to make wait....any emergency's....

This way finances are not an issue that gets left for "Whenever" you can manage to bring it up!!.

You will BOTH now know there is a time to bring up these things.....

Any upcoming needed purchases....to plan for or set aside money for ....do you get the picture?

Just asking him to write a check seems risky and very spotty...What about the next time you need to ask him about a bill?? You may set yourself up for always having to find the right time the right frame of mind, etc....this way you both have fair warning.........this also let's him know when and where to bring up issues about finances WITH YOU>>>so he can't hi-jack you in the middle of a busy day!!

Gifts may not be your primary love language....pay back seems to be........

No matter how much he buys you do you think he can ever repay you for the !@#$% he put you through???.......probably not ....

So forget about the rings and gifts and such...

You don't want them because he feels guilty or obligated...It would be much more fufilling if these gifts came from his heart....because he WANTS to give them to you.....NOT because he OWES YOU!!!


Now WE KNOW HE DOES(Owe you big time for all the cr** ).......but it ain't gonna work.

He'll feel resentment...You'll fell gyped!

Dear dragonflie...of course he's going to ignore any of your subtle attempts at revealing to him a better path....books, websites.....articles....his ego would never allow him to admit his wrong doing right now. What man( sorry guys) or person is going to admit how absolutely foolish they've been and how good YOU are.....and what can they learn....He WILL NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE whatever you leave out...so stop trying.....when he's ready believe me you will know!

Actually you should be glad that you have all this support that he can't tap into. ..it does give you quite an advantage you know!!( he doesn't stand a chance against all your new found attitude!!!)

Good girl....you just be happy and light and be the great person we all know you are and again believe me he does notice the changes ...It just may make him crankie that he can't figure out WHY IS YOU ARE SO FRIGGIN" HAPPY!!!LOLO....

BIG HUGS!
Trish