Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Jenna333]

Thanks Pur You're right in that he is behaving a bit like a LBS. I think that's because in the end I started actually moving on and wasn't just waiting for him to come back. I had to choose to go into this with him, it wasn't just a given that I would. He keeps asking me if I'm sure I want this. He's told me he's scared I'm settling for him and that he doesn't want to hold me back.

I went out last night with my brother, BFF, and BFF's new boyfriend. We had a good time. J went out as well, and I received a few texts from him. These are the texts he sent me

"How's your night baby?" I told him it was going great and asked how his night was going.

"It's fun, just making the rounds haha. Damn I love you"

"Haha, I only smile when I think about you :)"

"I'm sorry, you're always in my mind, your legs must be tired from all the running ;)" He was drunk when he sent me that last one, haha.

He's asleep right next to me right now. We're hanging out for a few hours before my grandparents drop the kids off. We talked for a bit. I asked him if he was sorry for the pain he caused me and he said yes. He said he's so sorry he hurt me like that, and that he knows just saying that doesn't make it up to me. I told him we're making it up by becoming the best we can be and giving us another chance I guess I'm just feeling the need to help him realize what I went through when he left and that coming back together won't be seamless. I started to feel comfortable on my own. I love having him back, but I'm not used to it yet. I'm finding myself struggling internally with emotions I didn't expect to be feeling.

Yesterday he told me I've always had this power over him, and he can't help but want to do everything for me and be whatever I want him to be. He smiles when he says it, but I think he fears how strongly he's always felt for me. He really lost himself in me, and I lost myself in him. I used to take advantage of the power he let me have over him. I told him yesterday that I don't want us to have power struggles anymore. I don't want to have power over him, or vice-versa. It's a delicate situation. He feels very vulnerable when it comes to me, and I need to be careful to not take advantage of him because of it. That makes me sound terrible, I know, but I have had control issues for a long time. He made himself look weak around me for most of our R because he wouldn't stand up for himself to me. I want him to speak up, to not take crap from anyone. And I don't want to give him crap to take.

I'm so glad we're going to counseling! I've been wanting to for years.

We listened to For The First Time by The Scipt together. I wanted him to hear it because it reminds me of what we're going through. I started crying and he held me and told me he loves me and that we'll make it through this.