I really want to work on myself more because from time to time feelings will resurface and I want to make sure that I deal with them instead of just moving forward. She had stated previously that she wants to remain seperated for 1 year (this is required in our state for a D to happen) so I have kept my timeline based on that.
Let me ask you something...
What is stopping you ?
You mentioned wanting to change some things in the house....
What is stopping you ?
She moved out, and has made her choices clear.
If you wanted to paint it pink, and hang fuschia chickens from the ceiling, that is YOUR choice. If she doesn't like it, then she can make different choices....
A lot of LBSs get stuck in that guilt over taking all of the blame for things. That guilt paralyzes the LBS into trying to fix, or think their way out of this.
Not gonna happen if your goal is to change the thinking of another person...
When a WAS walks, it is not a decision that they have taken lightly. I can't imagine the guilt that THEY feel over their choices. The blame shift, often relieves thier guilt for a while. Sometimes the WAS will take that look inward, and decide to be honest with themselves, sometimes they do not. The ones that are honest, will own their share of the breakdown.
IF...they decide to look back, there has to be something to see...NOT HEAR. IF they look back and see the same old same old, then there really isn't anything different. IF they decide to look back and see a different person, then that is what will intrigue them. But those things HAVE to be real. I can assure you that a WAS will sniff out fake changes, like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
What does detaching mean to you ?
To me, it meant loving my spouse enough to honor her choices. It didn't mean that I had to like them, but I honered them. It meant that I loved her enough to step back and find her own way through this. It meant taking the time to "own" the things that were real for me, and letting her think whatever she needed to think.
It meant taking a step forward for my life , while I respected her quest to do the same thing.
Detaching for me was when I started making choices...not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
I started acting and making rational decisions instead fo emotional ones.
With detaching, there came an internal peace over me. That regardless the outcome...I was in a much better place. I knew "my" truth, and until our truths started matching up, there was little I could do except learn from my mistakes, and strive to make better choices everyday.
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Another fear I am having is that I'm scared she will not change some of the things that I feel necessary for us to begin a new and improved M and thus I'm not sure if I want to remain M to her.
Hows that working for ya ???
Those are the things that you have to let go of. Drop the rope and stop trying to control what she is capable of.
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1-I still feel like she can be the 1 and we could have an amazing M but she would have to really commit and make some big changes. One of them is how unimportant I have felt for so long.
2- She has always been a fixer and her friends and family really take advantage of her in dumping their problems on her and she has a hard time saying no. I have felt for a long time that her interactions with them have taken a lot away from us and our potential. Right now she has taken her sister and her 4 kids in w/ her to help her sister out as she was about to lose her kids. My W is now basically raising them.
There are so many things wrong with this.......sigh
First....
If you feel like she is the one, then why not really make a stand ? Do what works. DB101 bro....
That is your fix for her problems. IF she would just come back, we could fix this.
It is not what she feels or thinks. You should really try to honor her choices there, regardless of how you feel things could be different.
2- Whatever you imagine happening in that house. You really don't know the whole truth. What you imagine, would actually be a whole lot different than what your mind is telling you it is.
Once again, we go back to honoring her choice. You don't have to like them, but fighting that, will keep you right where you are right now. Stuck in your own head.
Where is the focus of your attention ?
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My bottom line goal is for myself and her to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. Sometimes it's hard to maintain that focus when emotions are running wild.
Once again, your goal for her ????
How about some concrete goals that are for you, and only you. Some things that you CAN control ????
Anytime you place a goal on another person, we usually find our selves willing to seel out our character to acheive those. We attempt to control, manipulate, whatever needs to happen....right ?
Your goals should be for you. With your goals in line with the ultimate goal of being the better option if she were to look back.....
Once you can change your focus, your goals will follow
How about....
My bottom line goal is for me to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. and if she chooses to look my way again, I will be ready for that. IF she doesn't, then I will be ready for that too.
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Someone remind me why we fight so hard and endure so much pain for someone who does not want to be with us?
For better or worse....NOT for better, or until things become tough and I choose to bail out.
Detaching doesn't mean she can't come home down the road. It means that you never left. You just became a man that made much better choices for himself.
