bklyn - i laughed at your comment about happy endings! i start a book.. then go to the end to see if it's happy before i finish the rest. i don't like to be disappointed in the end.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
My S4 will be so jealous if he finds out you went to see the Bruins
B's got trounced 3 - 0!
So not so much of the strange positive behavior tonight. Oh well, I knew it wasn't going to last long anyway.
I don't think it works that way...a steady upward swing of positives...I think it goes up and down and around and around....I keep hearing this demented clown music in the background when I experience these weird mood swings.
I have been scanning the MLC links, but none seem to have happy endings, do any have happy endings?? I only read happy endings.
Oh no. I was planning to read these too and see the happy ever afters.
All these people are successes but if you want reconcilliations these are a few that I can think of real quick, if I think of more I will let you know.
H's sleeping-in-bed streak ended. He made it up to 5 nights in a row! Not sure what made him long for the couch again. It could be that maybe he's "just a guy" (no offense to the guys). He ended up joining me in the shower this morning and one thing lead to another. So now that he got what he wanted, he doesn't feel the need to be close to me. But there is likely more to it. I'm sure like me, he dreads weekends now. So much time to spend together and so much tension/awkwardness to deal with.
The day started okay, we both took S4 to soccer. Then S4 had a birthday party to go to and H said he didn't want to go with us. (On a side note - I had my first Chuck E. Cheese experience today and it was a mad house. I can't believe people go there voluntarily. I felt a little anxious once we left). H went to get lunch "by himself" when we were gone. Whatever, I didn't ask. Later in the afternoon H wanted to get out of the house and go to some stores to look for something. We ended up all going together, though while in stores he was off looking for stuff on his own, and I was with S4. We go S4 a marble maze that he's been wanted for a while. I wanted to start putting it together when we got home and on several occasions I and S4 asked H to join us. The 'old' would have been all over trying to put it together, but this 'current' H could care less. H seems utterly annoyed by S4 now. No matter what S4 does or says irritates H. This behavior on H's end makes it very easy for me to start feeling resentment towards him. I need to be careful to not let that resentment take over my willingness to want to stay together.
After S4 was in bed, and I poured myself a beer and sat down in the living room with H, he told me I didn't have to sit there if I didn't want to. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he just said do whatever you want. It's his clue that he didn't want me there. I just stayed a few more minutes, and then retreated to the bedroom.
I mentioned a day or two ago that H wanted to watch the game tomorrow with S4. Today he's saying that he may go and "make an appearance" at a party. When we stopped at the grocery store for a few minutes today, I was looking at ribs that I was thinking about making tomorrow night, but he told me not to bother making them since he wouldn't be there. Ha! Does he really think it's all about him? S4 and I will have our own "party" at home and if he'd rather be elsewhere (even after telling S4 that he'd watch the game with him), then so be it.
Rick- I've been hearing this clown music throughout the day! I do know that it's not a steady stream of positives, unfortunately. I suppose H was due for his 'down' time. H let himself come too close, now he needs to pull back. I look at H's face and I don't see my H. His expressions seem foreign to me. His eyes often look red. His face shows traces of anger and frustration, and general indifference. I don't see any warmth or love towards S4 or me, or anything really. I just keep wondering who this person is and what happened to my H.
good for you for having your own party w/ S!! maybe you guys can make up your own victory dance too!
it must be hard to see H behaviour towards S. but it's so great that S will know that you are there and love him. H is responsible for his own relationship w/ S whatever he chooses that to be. hard to let go!!! drives me crazy sometimes!
have fun watching the game
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
nhmom, I've been reading your thread over the past few days, and wanted to comment.
When my h was going through this last summer, he had a completely different look through his eyes. I'd look at him and wouldn't see my H. There was no love or warmth there, it was as if someone took my h away and left me with someone else. I think they call it "shark eyes".
So, the other day this topic came up with my h and I. He dropped the bomb on me on July 3. When he was looking through some pictures of the 4th of July, he said, "What is wrong with me here? I look weird." I said nothing for a moment, and he kept pressing on about how strange he looked, and I said, "You had the shark eyes". So I explained to him how he looked so much different because he was different and very distant.
We had a good talk about this and he explained to me.... that he thought he looked that way because he felt that if he didn't maintain his distance, if he didn't stick up for himself and allow himself to be too close to me, that he'd lose his ground and be "miserable forever".
That is where he was coming from.
Throughout the entire time he was going through what he was going through, he said he loved me often, and would send emails from work, but in the evening would have tantrums about wanting to be free and would say how miserable he was and wanted to move on.
His behavior was erratic and it never made sense completely. One moment, happy the next, extremely cold and distant. It made db-ing very hard at times. Trying to be balanced.
In retrospect, my h said the bottom line was... he just wanted things to change in our M, and didn't think it could, or would. He felt that this was all it would ever be.... and he didn't want it this way so leaving was going to be the answer.
He also had an EA with a coworker, never went into a PA. Now that we are in piecing our M, I'm seeing that the EA was all about H, and not OW. It was about H and our M and the big disconnect we had going.
Weekends for H and I were always together, as we both didn't work and we were always home or doing something together. Part of my GAL was to be gone on a weekend night, or get busy doing something that did not include him. Changing up the routine was really helpful with db-ing. Being gone, having something to do for me..... not relying on his company was good for our M and for me. So .... maybe you can try taking a GAL night on a weekend to see how that works out.
(((nhmom))) the erratic behavior of H has to be emotionally draining on you... You are doing an amazing job holding yourself together and creating a happy environment for you and S.
I think cflor has some great insight- since she's been there and gotten some clarification from a WAH (I'm gonna read her post and pretend she's talking to me too ) sounds like your H got a little nervous at how close he was getting, and thinks that you might just slip back into old habits if he doesn't pull away again. I'm really starting to accept that THEY are don't plan things out- that they really are letting their 'crisis emotions' call all the shots- and since we can't predict this emotions on a daily basis- we can't predict their actions.
I'm trying to think of us as a 'fallout shelter' of sorts: we are the calm, stable safe place to protect ourselves and the family- while the 'MLC storm' rages on. Sometimes the skies part and it's safe to come out, but when the clouds come out again- we have our safe place to retreat to.
Make those ribs!! He!!, make a whole feast for you and S... Let H see that you weren't thinking of him when you choose to go all out (like you said, it's not all about him and he needs to see that).
Have a great time with S!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
