Bklyn Queen

[BklynMom]

I want to start this thread with a positive vibe.(But perhaps the only thing positive will be the title of this thread).

I have struggled this week with being physically sick and I feeling like I couldnt recover physically because mentally I was a mess. I have been living in this separation limbo since July. Bomb was in mid May.

I sometimes feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder. Everyone on these boards has encouraged me to be more forth coming regarding my sitch to neighbors but I have still not discussed it with them. It is wearing on me. It is unbearable to me to discuss this with an acquaintance I feel humiliated.

It is wearing on me to keep a positive spin on the sitch to those close friends I do discuss it with. I dont want peoples pity.

My D3 knows that daddy does not live here but she still thinks we are a family and talks about "the whole family" going on car trips. I dont feel like I should tell her otherwise until I have an official D. But again I am carrying this load of not telling the whole truth.

I feel ready to calmly pack my H remaining clothes and tools and put them nicely in boxes for him. But I feel like I cant do that because that will enable him to move on but in so many ways it is holding me back.

H continues to act strange and the opposite of himself. Tonight I asked him if he would mind staying an extra 45 mins. watching the girls while I went out with some of the women after Alanon. He freaked out about staying 45 mins longer. This is so opposite H.

I apologized for asking at the last minute and also said it is okay if I dont go for coffee after. He later apologized and said he was being immature.

He told me again tonight that he has some books about talking to kids about D, that he is using to talk to our D3. That always rips a hole in my heart.

Last week my H said "I'm around" call me if you need me, this week he cant stay an extra 45 minutes. He doesnt suggest seeing the girls at all the weekend. He looks like he shaves in the dark and drinks till dawn every day.

Obviously my H is in some time of crisis but what is so so scary is how long it takes to recover from these sitchs. I am exhausted. I cant imagine living in limbo another 9 months. I am going gray - seriously.

The good news, my girls are angels. You dont even know. They are the best. I get to spend almost everyday with these angels, how lucky am I? I am the luckiest.

Also in the next few weeks I want to introduce a "fake boyfriend" to my life. I really think this would shake my H up. I have to think about it some more but my gut tells me it would work with my H.

Thats all for now. Thks for listening.