Well, things like the Joshua Tree trip are an opportunity to show him what he'll be missing. But you've had plenty of those opportunities now. So it seems like either you resign yourself that you're gonna wait out his affair, and you think you'll be okay with knowing that went on as long as it did - or you make a move to get things into the light, accepting that it might mean breaking up. What do you want?
kml, maybe so, it can be that. But I am guessing that if the H is really into OW, he probably was looking at this more in a resigned, "gotta do it for obligation so W doesn't leave me" manner. During the time my H was having an EA, I felt like he would try to have fun with me but it sort of fell flat and I felt that it made him miss OW more....
And Abbey, what if after all the waiting and hoping that the A fizzles out, what if it doesn't and you get the bomb?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Not sure what your age is, but I know Life is a lot shorter than you seem to realize. 3 years of getting this crap would make me batchit nuts or batchit mean.
Either way, I would not like myself much.
At some point it gets harder to meet new people,
like a man who would cherish and treat you well-and Not cheat. So how long do you want to waste wait for your cheating h to wake up?
I sort of can understand a "fling" and I know how a one night stand can happen.
But the problem that I really have with long term affairs and why they'd be dealbreakers for ME is the long term deceit that is required. THat eats away at a lot of things.
It would undermine too much for me to rebuild...but that's me.
OTOH I don't see you doing the work you'd need to do to get past this
and of course, neither is your h. At all....
so as Angel said, the "victories" you are getting, are hollow and ring false. You deserve better. But you have to demand it, and then go get it. MAYBE NOT from him.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
YOu have to regain your self respect and self esteem.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
On a quick lunch break so checking in. This week has been tough. Working a lot and sick to boot. My brain is fried. Anyway, get this......When H called in the inspection for OW's house in January, instead of using his legit business/cell number.......he left the number that he called me from by mistake exactly one year ago today. That was the phone number that he said "was a worker's phone" that he "borrowed" because his wasn't working. LIAR. I think he used that number because I had asked him about the other inspections listing him as the contact in December which he denied.
All of this construction stuff is public record. I admit, I looked it up. I actually called him yesterday morning and left a message on that number. I did....can you believe it? But I didn't care. Just numb. I've been just so worn down by this job, cold, and my sitch. The message was just "hi, call me when you get this".
So wouldn't you know....he called and called and called.....and texted and texted. He wanted to make sure that I felt OK (cuz he knew I have been sick all week). Of course not admitting that he got my message from his secret cell phone because I'm not supposed to know about that right? I knew and he knew why he was calling. Yesterday, all day long I thought.....well this IS IT. I'm going to summon the courage to have a real heart to heart. Then I looked at the family photo I have on my desk at work thinking...."Wow, that was probably our last family photo". Trying so hard all day long at work not to cry.
I worked late and when I walked in the door....H knowing that I've been sick....had layed out my cozy flannel jammies to put on with fluffy socks. He actually made me grilled cheese and tomato soup and served it on a tray after he tucked me into bed. Seriously. That was nice after a sucky day. He made me Theraflu, got me water, sat next to me on the chair by the bed while we watched my favorite movie Pride and Prejudice. He later got me Nyquil and tucked me in again...then he retired to the sofa. Then....this a.m. he went out and bought me Dayquil before I left for work and made me some toast with an egg and tomato. Wow. Queen for a day. ha ha. I know why he is doing it and it kind of makes me laugh inside.....but anyway.....we'll see what this weekend brings.
I've been going over and over in my head what I want to say and how I can say it to not appear whiney, needy, etc...and especially I don't want to cry. So not sure if this will be the weekend but I feel it is coming soon.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Ha ha - grilled cheese and tomato soup? Milk it!!!!! At least you're getting something out of his guilt.
Wait until you're better and in a strong place - then just lay out the facts: "H, I know you are working on OWs house, and that you have a secret cell phone. I have to assume your affair with her is ongoing. I'd like to know what you think I/we should be doing about this? "
I must learn how to stay this calm. Maybe I have very little emotional intelligence - either than or you all are amazing! KML, what do you mean by being in a stronger place - rested, confident, or what?
Conversations with the WAS never seem to go well if you approach them when you're stressed, sick, emotional, whatever. They go best when you're rested, healthy, calm - coming from a place of strength. Much less chance of crumbling or pursuing.
What "proof" will you use to let him know that you know?
When I finally confronted my H, I got myself to a place where I was really clear I wasn't going to share him. Probably already told you that. I just think it's important to be in a good frame of mind.
Ever notice that after you recover from an illness that you feel clearer about things? At least that is what happens with me.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
