2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

Hi,

Had another great, busy day. I like being a mom to my awesome kids!
I honestly don't feel like GAL is really an issue for me at this time. I feel better and stronger emotionally everyday and I am confident that this will continue.

I am also progressing with my anger management and re-connecting with the person I used to be way back when.

So overall, I think things are moving along the way they should with ME.

Yet, I do have a question that has been on my mind for a while and someone asked in another thread earlier today. It's regarding the diff. between detaching and letting go, vs. doing 180s and showing affection and giving attention to a spouse that felt abandoned and unappreciated.

In my sitch, H and I started re-connecting emotionally just a bit during the spring of last year. Then he committed fully to his R with OW and drifted away big time.

We have had our moments for sure, but for the most part, we don't argue that much anymore and we get along well - I feel like we have both made an effort and our communication is a lot better than when we were together.

So he is perfectly fine with the status quo in our R, except when it comes to OW... He wants me to accept her and give him my blessing. I feel we have both said our peace about it and I hope he drops it and respects the fact that I just don't want to hear about her and am not interested in having any kind of interaction with her.
If so, that should be the end of that sticky subject.

But if I try to move an inch closer in trying to create any kind of emotional connection with him - in either a verbal or physical way - he immediately retracts and rejects.

So clearly, he is NOWHERE near ready for anything more than what we have now. I get it, and that is ok with me.
He didn't get to feel this negatively about me in a few months, so I know this is a marathon, and I only have 1 year under my belt.

But I do have a dilemma: Given that he felt abandoned, unappreciated, abused and ignored for a long time, I ask:

What should be the balance between giving him space and continue treating him in a friendly but detached way vs. showing 180s by making him feel appreciated and acting according to his LLs which are mostly physical touch and words of affirmation?

WHAT IS THE RIGHT BALANCE? It seems like such a contradiction in terms...

[keep_going]

Compassion and Forgiveness...

I have been analyzing my sitch and progress since my H left a year ago...

While I have definitely turned a corner in some ways, I realize there is one fundamental problem that I have not gotten over and that I believe has not only not helped my sitch and M, but has pushed my H so far away, that it might be too late for me.

That thing is my reaction to OW... I realize I have not shown any compassion for H for his mistake.

Yes, when my H walked away, he reacted stupidly and started dating immediately and continued an EA that became a real R.

But I failed to realize that he was building up a wall between him and the pain I was causing him...
His initial dating and then R with OW were the quick way to do that-- he get all involved in that new R with all the new R feelings that occur and he was ultimately fairly effective at detached from me.

And from my reactions to it, all he has felt from me has been judgement-- and additionally all his support systems were turned against me too...


So I see now how hard (or already impossible) it would be for him to turn that all around. He probably felt that he was at the point of no return... He probably felt from our interactions that I am not likely to forgive him or forget... I have given him no chance to turn around and say--"I was stupid"...

Cheating is not ok... But he feels he didn't. He told me he was done and left and then started dating... IT DOESN'T MATTER, and I have acted like it does...

I made the decision to try and work things out, and it's ultimately going to fall on me to show compassion to him... and boy that doesn't seem fair, but that's how it works.

I believe now that unless I show compassion and unconditional love and acceptance of his mistake, he won't have the space necessary to turn around and try to do better...

But my question is HOW?
Every time he talks about her (in the most glowing terms), it's like salt being added to an open wound. IT HURTS SO MUCH.


I would like to never hear about her so I can detach and heal.
I have asked him not to talk about her, but he wants me to accept her, to give him my blessing, to show her respect in situations where we might interact.
His R with her is now quite serious and our children are now involved and attached to her.

So my big question:

HOW DO I SHOW COMPASSION AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WHEN IT COMES TO THE OW? Do I pretend I accept her? Do i continue trying to establish a boundary to heal myself (it would show that I am still hurt and not being compassionate and forgiving...)

What does everyone think?

[keep_going]

Hi again,

I was hoping to get some insight from some fellow DBers - I feel like I spin my own wheels and it helps getting an outside perspective from someone who understands. I don't really talk about any of my M issues with anyone in the "real world."

Everyone thinks I should simply give up and move on, since H already did...

Thanks again.

[BklynMom]

You are mother Theresa to even consider accepting this ow. I admire and respect you for being so open. I would like to encourage you in your forgiveness of husband and ow but I am so far being in that place.

I can say be proud of where you are right now with her because you are much more kind then most would be.

[BFloat]

hi KG. i don't think i'm in any position to give you sound advice on this but i wanted to comment to let you know.. i'm listening!!

for me personally, i couldn't pretend to be ok with OW. because that would really just tear me apart and i have now decided to save myself first. although my M is very important to me and i would love to be back w/ H, i do not want it at my expense. i don't mean i was faultless etc. just that there are certain things i can not compromise on. EA in the past.. yes i can get past that. i can get past his leaving us now too but.. i can not continue to put myself out there to be hurt and feeling defeated. i can't get to that point where i can't function from all the pain.

ok.. went on a little tangent. H knows where you stand. could you maybe say something like.. i'm glad you feel you found someone to be happy with. i feel sad when you speak about her and would prefer that you don't to me because it reminds me that our relationship failed. can we work on our communication so that we can be the best parents possible for our kids?

i don't know... too sappy? trying to use feeling messages.. and trying not to judge. also, someone also once told me not to use but negates what you're saying. ie.. i am happy but... (so what you end up saying is that you're not really happy). does this make any sense? hey, i'm a work in progress!!

[keep_going]

BM & BF,

Thanks for the feedback and the support. I really need it right now, so your words mean a lot to me.

It's definitely hard for me to deal with this because I am most definitely NOT Mother Teresa, and I can't really act "as if" very well when it comes to hiding my hurt and jealousy about OW...

The problem is that because I have not controlled my emotions about her, I have come across to H as the angry ex that is jealous. I am NOT showing him that I am happy that he is in a better place himself.

I have been very judgmental and flat out angry when OW topic comes up. I asked him not to talk about her, I have called her "that woman." I have told him I don't want to ever talk to her or have her in my life.
That is no different than the OLD me. It shows anger, bitterness, resentment and lack of understanding. In other words, my H doesn't see a change in me, and rightly so.

I feel like I need to change course on this ASAP (like yesterday...)
He needs to see someone without anger, non-judgmental, someone who cares about him MORE THAN OW... But what does that mean? I hope it doesn't mean that I have to agree to meet her and talk to her.

A friend suggested changing the subject when he brings OW up...
Don't know if that kind of response shows compassion either.

It's very hard. I know that 90% of our arguments / difficulties since he left, are related to OW and my reactions to anything related to her.

I just cannot seem to be able to detach from this. She is around a lot, he talks about her, he says she is "loving and kind and it shows in how she treats our kids." Heck, even my girls talk about her. They can't help it, they are too young to understand. They say OW is a "princess." She treats them nicely, buys them things...
And I wouldn't dare say anything negative to them, or ask them not to talk about her. I don't want my kids to carry any burden or feel that they have to act or do something different in front of me to protect my feelings. They just don't deserve that.

The more involved she is in Hs and my kids' lives, the less I feel I can compete and win out.

Many believe (and I agree), that there is simply no way to get a S back when OW is in the picture. There is no way to compete, no matter how hard you DB, until she is out of the picture (if ever...)

I never thought I could ever feel like this. I have always been a confident, strong woman. I have felt like I had as much to offer H as he had to offer me. Ironically, I think OW and I have a lot of similarities, with one big difference - she is a VERY happy person, vs. the angry wife I had become... H has told me that several times.

And her other advantage, she's got my H's love. He is really working hard and giving A LOT to make that R work and he is giving ZERO to improve ours...

God... I NEED TO SNAP OUR OF THIS AND GET THAT WOMAN OUT OF MY HEAD.

[BklynMom]

There is another big difference between you and other woman. You are the mother of your H 3 children. Those 3 children will always want to be with you not with Her Highness. Those 3 children will always be disappointed if Mommy & Daddy are not together.

If you just want to react pleasantly when her name is spoken I suggest thinking of a happy song you love. Lately I have been singing that Chubawumba song BF mentioned "I Get Knocked Down". Its kind of silly but has an upbeat tempo, every time H says something annoying and pissy I just sing that song in my head, smile and nod. Thats all I can do.

This OW sounds like a phoney balony, if she is so nice then why is she sleeping with a man that has a new born and is married?? Does she really think her behavior is appropriate. Its again this need of people to be perceived as sweet when they are acting like Jessica Hahn. She will get found out in time.

[keep_going]

BM - You are the best! Thanks for the help and suggestions. I like music a lot and in fact, I like that song, so I will try it as well!

Hey, there is something I wanted to ask you. I know from your sitch that you have done a lot of work on yourself and commend you for it. You had mentioned in your thread that you have worked on your anger.

Can I ask you what you have found helpful in that area? As you know, my main issue has been my anger and I am working hard on it. I am always looking for new tools or ideas to help me in my journey, so I am curious to hear about your experience.

thanks!

[Rick1963]

Look at my thread to see what others have said tO me about anger.Hope you can it helpful.

[keep_going]

Rick,

Thanks for checking in!

I have been following your sitch closely and have really learned from your experience and what others have been recommending to you.

( I just have not posted much since I feel like I have more to learn than what I can offer... But know that I am rooting for you.