I really enjoyed 5LL. I only wish that I had read that years ago. It has a quiz in the end (also on their site) that lets you figure out what your LL is and also your spouses. Reading the book opened my eyes on what my H was not receiving. And when I thought I was showing him love, he did not see it the same way. H even took the quiz online and I was dead on his LL's, but as I said, I didn't know before.
Another book I'm reading right now is "Solo Partner". It talks about how one person CAN save a R, as well as the distancing/pursuing thing.
S is going to the hospital for chest x-rays. I'm tired of the stress piling on like this. It's hard enough to maintain DB stuff normally, but now I have to balance not displaying emotion against the uncertainty that something might really be wrong with S.
ARGH!
NH - thanks for the suggestion! Looks like amazon doesn't have it. May have to dig around some more.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Go to AA! Your wife is not going to look at it as validation of what she already knows - she will see it as you finally hearing her concerns and making the effort.
It is probably the single best tool you have to win her back.
Also - good job validating her, you can see how it de-escalates things when you do. She will be irritable, you staying calm really helps.
Had to watch S while W worked on Saturday. She sends me a text in the middle of the day:
W: Do you mind watching Johnny for a couple of hours so I can go hang out with T(friend)? M: That's fine, but I have to go run some errands for mom and see dad in the hospital after you get home, and I'd wanted to go to church tonight. W: Fine
I had a bit of an epiphany at this moment: "More of the same." I know there are a lot of advocates for being unavailable when WAS asks for something, but her response reminded me that this was one of our ongoing problems in the M. So a moment later, I texted again.
M: What time were you planning on going over? I don't see why we can't work around it. H: Not sure. If we could work something out, I'd like that. M: Okay. I'm not trying to keep you from doing anything, I just had plans.
I hope I handled this issue properly. Feedback would be appreciated.
S fell asleep around 9, and it wasn't long after that that I decided to go on to bed myself. S was in my bed, so I texted W again asking her to wake me when she got home and I'd help move him upstairs.
I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that she'd been home, but S was still in my bed. Got a little upset at first, but tried to let it go and get back to sleep. The next morning, W told me that she'd tried to wake me up, talking to me, making noise in the kitchen, shining a light in my eyes, but I didn't wake up. Not sure if I believe it, I don't sleep that heavily, normally, but I have in the past. She then admitted that the idea of sleeping without S in the bed sounded like a good idea to her. Can't blame her for that, I guess.
I went to church alone, tithed and prayed heavily at the altar. When I got home, I was pretty tired from poor sleep thanks to S in my smaller bed. I took a nap with him while W went grocery shopping.
After she got home, we went to smoke a cigarette, and she started talking about spirituality again, and drew a parallel between herself and my recently deceased little brother about getting away from negative situations. The eventually snowballed into her telling me that she respected me as a friend and as S's dad, but she wasn't going to change her resolve. I told her I understood, then excused myself to break the conversation. I was a bit upset at this point. She hasn't said D in a few weeks, but definitely dances around it in a way that screams she's still thinking very strongly about it. She mentioned that she was going slow on purpose, so we could be an "example" for our other friends who might soon be going through the same.
A little later, I apologized to her for how I'd been handling everything between my dad and S and our sitch. I haven't been overly emotional, but my depression and snxiety is still pretty high. She told me she thought I was handling it pretty well, all considered.
We watched "Friends With Benefits" last night. We both drank a little, but not much. After the movie was over, we went out to smoke, and I lit her cigarette for her. I jokingly said "20 minutes" to her, and she rolled her eyes and smiled, saying we hadn't done that in years. I laughed and said we could be "FWB" and she said she that it carried rules, primarily that we wouldn't be exclusive. Then she said she didn't think I was ready yet, maybe in 4-5 months. She then quickly said, "well, maybe 2-3."
She watched TV in my room later because the antenna in the living room doesn't pick up NBC very well. I stayed out of the room for the most part, but came in occasionally to watch with her and we talked a little bit. Other than the above conversations, nothing much else happened.
I AM SO CONFUSED. I know I shouldn't believe any of what I've heard, but it doesn't change how I feel right now. There seemed to be some genuine feelings there. Any thoughts? Really could use some advise here! Are there concrete positives here, or has my last shred of hope been eviscerated?
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
For those that don't understand the "20 minutes" thing, it was something we used to do in high school - if you lit a cigarette for someone of the opposite gender, they owed you 20 minutes of sex.
I was thinking a little more about the FWB thing - I said it jokingly, but W really ran with it. When we had that R talk a few weeks ago, she said she couldn't even imagine ML with me.
Guess it just goes to show you can't believe what they say.
Still hoping to hear some thoughts about these recent developments. I'm starting to worry that I've been a little too available, but it's been really hard not to in our current living arrangement. It's doubly hard to GAL with S and my dad in the hospital.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
