The reason it is recommended to go slow is because the problem did not manifest itself by his moving out. So the flip side of that coin is that his return home will not resolve them.
IMHO, a physical separation can sometimes help heal the parties involved. Now you know that he is serious about working on the issues that were once a deal breaker.
So take faith in God and ask Him for help so you can both work on things. Things didn't unravel over 2 weeks, and they won't be repaired in two weeks either.
Big hugs and I'm so happy for you!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow! You have had some dramatic developments take place over the last few days! The same has happened to me - all very quick, wonderful, confusing, frightening too. This part is VERY nerve wracking and delicate, isn't it? I haven't had time to post on my thread for days, but will get around to it after this.
I am sending my very best wishes that all goes well to a good resolution, Happy New Year!
Livnlearn (Newbie Piecer needs advice and encouragememt)
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I can tell he is sincere about this marriage... we spent time together with my kids yesterday and he told me he was "tense". I asked why and he told me he is afraid he will go back to acting the way he did before, being mean to me and the kids. He mentioned it again later, his fears.
My kids were really excited to see him and spend time with him and he was loving towards them. We had a good talk and lots of loving. He plans to go to church with us Sunday.
His mother, who had been supportive to me after he left..and told me she really thought we loved one another and could work things out is extremely pissed at H that we are working this out. She was always passive/aggressive, nice and nasty to me and my kids. always finding fault. She told him that God doesnt want us to get back together. She even refused to babysit his son for him for us to go on a date. Apparently she let his first wife know (MIL hated first wife until about a year ago, now she hates me...) and H's first wife sent him an email asking why I get a 2nd chance when she didn't, and she thought they would work things out.
AND..... I will soon have to leave the support of you guys or post from the library or something, because he will read everything. He demands total honesty from me, which I don't have a problem with. I have told him about the book and the website, but I wouldn't feel comfortable posting knowing he was reading.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
So much progress!! Great that he is trying. I know JUST what you mean about the problem of his mother... similar problem with my sister. She has been a brick these last few months, guess I will have to try and tell her what I am up to and why as calmly as possible. I will have to couch it in terms of 'healing' a marriage, as she is a church goer and I'm not! I can understand that she doesn't want to see me hurt again though. She saw me being hurt more than once over an earlier boyfriend, the love of my life, in my twenties! Your MIL's motivations are less clear - just a controlling mother? Does she have a hotline to God to know what HE wants??
As for signing off this board - you may need this more than ever in the weeks and months ahead! I have learned quite a lot about computers since my H left (if you remember I wrote about that being an issue with him apparently) so now I have set my web browser not to have any 'history'. H noticed that when he was checking his mail on my computer the other day, but I said nothing! I have my independence! I am no longer a computer illiterate, completely!! And today he asked me what my password was, and I said, "I will have to log on for you." What's the use of having a password if I am going to tell him what it is?? Sure, if he moves back and wants to work on R, then I will tell him my passowrd, maybe!!
But Dragonflie, honesty is all very well, but have you been dishonest with him? Does he need to know what you post here? Would he not understand the need for anonymous support from those in a similar position? Also, go to marriagebuilders.com if you want to read a load of interesting and helpful stuff. Good Luck!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
It has been amazing to me the christians I know who have suggested in one way or another that we not reconcile. I hope your sister can understand, perhaps God can give it to her. But my family members who had to see me sobbing and take care of my kids for me a couple of times when I wasnt able are understandably hesitant about us reconciling too. It is because they love us, and don't want us to be hurt.
MIL I guess is controlling. She is very passive aggressive, married to an alcoholic, so I guess she had to develop her own coping mechanisms. It is very hard for H as he is very sensitive.
H works in computers, so even though I can delete the history, he can find out what he wants to. Besides, I can't hide things from him. I do plan to continue to come here, but he wouldnt like being posted about, I am sure of that. I know we will have problems and I will need support. This bb has been a blessing to me and I thank God He showed it to me. I am checking out marriage builders, it looks very helpful.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
I guess I just have a need for honesty, that I have trouble holding back my feelings, (I am much more gentle in how I verbalize them though), and am not really db'ing at all. He has been great, loving and kind, interested and thoughtful. But I found a matchmaking site on the history, which he says he knows nothing about. He looked at one once before, at first denied it, then admitted it saying he was just curious as to what it looked like and what the people said on their bios.
So, trust is even worse than I thought. He denies OW, although he said he called and old gf, but didnt get together with her while we were separated.
He is still moving back in and things are going not so good.
I have not been able to keep my mouth shut about all the things he keeps telling me he has bought himself and things I see, when I didn't have enough to live on. I feel hurt and unloved. He has never even gotten me an engagement ring or anniversary ring, but can spend over $1000 minimum on himself, plus costly gifts for his family at Christmas. It hasnt even crossed his mind to even get me a flower or card. This is hard than I thought it would be.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Sorry to hear you are feeling downbeat and negative.
I'm no expert in this, but it seems in your case that the turnaround was very sudden, with no build up at all. It seems very fishy indeed, and from what I have read here and elsewhere, it is virtually guaranteed that your H has had some kind of OW in tow. But I thought you knew this? You cetainly suspected it. Does it make a very big difference to you? Either way it has been a massive kick in the teeth, right? Plus, I don't know many (any) guys who just up and out of a marriage without there being the pull of an 'alternative' in the wings, that's if the affair hasn't already started!
When my H left, he assured me over and over that our 'friend' had nothing to do with it, she was just a 'dear friend' to him, did I want him to take a DNA test (!?) or what? Then he asked, "What difference would it make to you, do you WANT me to have had an affair, would it make it better or easier for you??"
You see Dragonflie, he may not technically have 'gone all the way' with OW, but he most certainly had an emotional affair, I had seen some of the emails, she spent an awful lot of time at our house while I was away, they probably got pretty far along without going the whole way. Then my H gets pangs of guilt about this, and decides he needs to leave the marraige to make it 'legitimate'!! He then has to trash the whole ten years of our marriage to make it seem worthwhile leaving, right?
And as soon as he has left, he *starts* a relationship with the 'dear friend' (who incidentally, left her husband the same month, even week, that he made his decision!) So in my H's eyes, this was all OK.
Some months down the line OW dumps him, but he still told our D that he loves her and wrote to me in an email that he loved her and didn't know whether he would ever be part of her future. And still maintains (last I checked) that she had NOTHING to do with why he left!! Right!
So back to you, you need to acknowledge that there has been SOMETHING, even if he doesn't.
It seems that his moving back is all going his way. He decided he was coming back (did he ask you?) He doesn't fell the need for any explanation of what happened. Have you set down any boundaries for yourself?
I have been reading so many threads here, going way back over a year, and even the success stories had early debacles when the spouse would return suddenly, only for it to go sour again, becuase the S had returned for the wrong reasons, like being kicked out by OW or having a row or whatever. Can someone who knows everyone on these boads better direct Dragonflie to those threads please?
Dragonflie, you need to read up more than ever, and know where you are heading. H might have opted out unilaterally, but coming together has to be a joint decision with EQUAL input on the groundrules! Don't just let yourself be taken for granted.
Hope you get lots more advice from others who are more experienced in all of this. I do wish the very best for you.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Dont worry about the dating site you found in the history. Damn popups. I cant even look at my yahoo without those dating sites comming up.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
