@DG - No worries sweetie. You got alot going on in your world.
@ JB - Thanks for the hugs! I don't doubt me being in tune with my feelings.. only the consistency of them.
@JS - Yes. I do need to take care of Val as much as or more than w. It's hard to know what that looks like.
In general, I don't think of myself often. I'd much rather buy something for others than myself. I like volunteering. I do my best to understand different perspectives.
These things are not bad on their own.. as long as there is balance and as long as it truly from a loving place.
But my co-dependency skews that. It twists my motives, it abuses my good heart.
Especially in regards to my w, but I also see it in my friendships.
Which brings me to your questions KD.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
From your post, it sounds like you've worked through the anger. Great if you have. If you still feel yourself there, take a moment to pray... look in the mirror... or speak to your inner child, about it...
WHO are you angry at? Your W... or you...? Feel it, experience it, own the anger... and let it go... as you would any overwhelming, uncomfortable feeling...
I think I am WORKING through my anger. I don't think I'm ready to use that word in a past tense... not for awhile.
As I continue to grow and I realize the toxicity of my relationship, the abuse, the codependency, the anger rises from time to time. At myself and at my w.
I know this is normal - I just want to make sure I'm not acting on it. I want my actions to be loving to both of us.
Sometimes my loving actions aren't popular with my friends and family.
Sometimes my loving actions aren't popular with me.
It makes sense - now that I am slowly breaking free - that my loving actions won't be popular with my wife.
Your W may (rightly) fear being hurt... so should you...
Protecting your W from her fear does not have to be your job.
No it's not.. and I need to not do it. At the end of the day, I can show her a 1000 times I won't retaliate, she has to MAKE the choice to believe me.
I cannot help her with this as I could not in our m. This is a demon she will have to work through. My only part - is to not prove her right. This does not mean bending to her will, but knowing in my heart that there is not one ounce of punishment. Not one ounce of retaliation.
As always, a letter CAN cause a chain of reactions. Like walking onto the highway, wearing a blind fold... take the blind fold off...
What would it mean to you if there was no response?
What would it mean to you if there was a positive response?
What would it mean to you if there was a negative response?
What does sending the letter mean... to you...?
And once you've owned responsibility for the letter... as is... or as you might modify it... and your choice to send it...
These are all great questions KD. One that I have thought about alot, talked through alot.
I did not send the letter. I'm not sure I ever will... because I have not changed enough.
The letter is just another example of many in how I function with my wife.
There is this part of me that doesn't want her to hurt. That wants to be mindful of her feelings and do my best to be considerate and loving.....
.... but that is overshadowed greatly by fear. By the fact that I am still afraid of my w.
As much as I can say as that letter was to stop the hurt in her heart (Which is true) or to be mindful of her feelings (Also true), I am also sending it so I can stop the fear that she won't punish me for taking time for myself. I am sending it in the hopes that she will understand and choose to treat me with the kindness I show her.
And that's a problem. Because I am loving out of fear - which in turn isn't very loving at all.
It's not the actions that are the problem, it is my motives.
So because I am fearful, I am incapable really of making loving decisions (at least not at first).
It's why I am so confused about the health insurance. Why I have such battles within myself.
It's like it's always a tug of war between being loving and being fearful.
I would like to just do things to "love" my wife. But in order for that to happen, I have to stop being afraid of my wife.
And that is the real challenge... especially when every time I do something out of the ordinary, she does EXACTLY what I am fearing.
So I probably shouldn't sign the papers yet or offer to pay or not pay for the insurance - because right now - they are actions being partly motivated by fear.
I think it will take years for me to completely rid myself of this fear and obviously I can't stop living or interacting with her for that period of time.
But my hope is the NC helps me get strong enough to not be fearful with these two decisions.
I know I should sign the D- papers. It's what I need, and it's what she needs. I just don't want to do it out of fear because if I don't - she will punish me.
As for the insurance - it's not a wrong feeling to not want to pay for both months - but it can't come from fear that I will piss her off or that she think I won't love her.
It can't be about her any more. I have to be confident in myself and my decisions. I have to truly understand that even though my heart is good.... as long as I hold fear in it... I can never hold the love I want to.
Thanks everyone for the support!
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
