Together since we were 15...Part 3

[MrBond]

Yes this is the Piecing trap. You've grown so much that you know what a relationship COULD be. The problem is that even if you went into another relationship, the new person would probably not have the same knowledge you do either and will end up disappointing you also.

Counseling should help to bring you and your partner to a level playing field. Getting rid of expectations is the first thing to let go of.

[rickb89]

Jenna - take if from another who is living this too. The road back for your spouse will not be a smooth upward progression to a new relationship. It will be a series of ups and downs but overall you hope it will get better.

He is showing signs of getting it together, although be careful its not just an immature kid getting off on the high of the emotion.

If you love him and your M, and you know your boundaries, and he is doing the work to rebuild himself and the M then maybe its worth letting this playout.

I understand your thought process about how you deserve better. I wrestle with this too. You do deserve better, but maybe that "better" is with a H who has grown. Maybe give this a chance?

[Jenna333]

Thanks guys. You're right. Here's an update...

When he came over yesterday, we talked. I felt numb all day yesterday. I was so confused and freaked out by how I felt. I said some pretty final things to him. I told him I didn't think I could do this, I can't trust him, all of it didn't feel right to me. He was blindsided. He told me he hadn't felt that happy in a very long time...since long before he left me. He had told all of his friends and even his brother, who were all supportive and happy for him. He was bawling. He wondered how all of it could have changed overnight. He said he thought we were taking it slow, like we said we were, so why was I making this rash decision? Anyway, he was totally crushed. He told me he'd go to counseling with me. I sat there, numb, not showing emotion while he cried. We couldn't finish our talk. I had to rush out of the door for school.

I talked to a friend on the way to school about it and did a lot of thinking while there. J and I met after school and work to talk. I realized that one of the main reasons I was so freaked out was because I let myself slip back into the person I used to be. I felt so much anxiety and fear yesterday. I hadn't felt that since before I started improving myself. It had more to do with me than it did with J.

During the talk that afternoon, he said he felt like we were on such a great path. We would still be living apart and finding our independence and happiness within ourselves, and when we'd be around each other, we'd get to know each other and grow in love. He said he was so happy to have me back, that he's sorry for everything he's put me through, and that he is well on his way to making positive changes for himself and the kids. He was talking about being a better parent and a better man.

We're going to start counseling ASAP. I feel like I'm ready to give this a shot. It's exciting because he is serious about this, especially if he already told everyone. We're going to do this right. I'm going to call about counseling today.

I'm going with my head and my heart. We're taking it slow. We won't be seeing each other often. I'll still be doing my own thing I'm driving the kids up to my grandparents' house this afternoon. I'll hang out for a while, then I'm driving back down for the night. My gparents invited them up for the monthly soup night in their little town I'm going out with my BFF. Maybe bowling or a movie or something. She's known J and I for over 10 years. She's happy for us

Though we're taking this slow, J says he wants me back for good. He's serious about it. I feel relieved and more relaxed about this because I know we'll be going to counseling. We're getting to know each other again.

Oh, and he said he'd tell the female coworker he'd been texting with (he was interested in her when he left me) not to text him anymore. He said he was weirded out by me asking him to the night before because nothing happened between them and they didn't text often.

[Jenna333]

We have a counseling appointment set for Tuesday, February 21st That's the soonest they had.

[Jenna333]

It's odd trying to figure out how often we should see each other, should we still switch off weekends when it comes to the kids, etc. He said maybe next weekend we'll do one day separate, and one day all together. To ease into all of this and take it slow. He's worried I'll 'change my mind' again.

[purgatory]

So glad that you were able to reflect on your anxiety and realize that it was coming from you, not him. You have put a lot of effort into discovering the new you and taking steps to repair things you didn't like about yourself... He needs to bring the same amount of respect and effort to the the R.

I think it's a positive step that he's willing to go to therapy, don't ever mention that he never wanted to go before- only appreciate his attendance now.

(In a way, he's pursuing you and willing to jump through hoops to be with you.... Like a LBS.) you can understand his desperation right now, don't take advantage of it. BUT, just like we've all been trying to prove for our WAS- make sure that his actions aren't just tactics to 'keep you'.

I think you have such potential for a wonderful R!! (whether you ever get M or not)

Enjoy this new development with him, just as if you were dating some one new... Well, he kinda *is* new- the new and improved him!

[Jenna333]

Thanks Pur You're right in that he is behaving a bit like a LBS. I think that's because in the end I started actually moving on and wasn't just waiting for him to come back. I had to choose to go into this with him, it wasn't just a given that I would. He keeps asking me if I'm sure I want this. He's told me he's scared I'm settling for him and that he doesn't want to hold me back.

I went out last night with my brother, BFF, and BFF's new boyfriend. We had a good time. J went out as well, and I received a few texts from him. These are the texts he sent me

"How's your night baby?" I told him it was going great and asked how his night was going.

"It's fun, just making the rounds haha. Damn I love you"

"Haha, I only smile when I think about you :)"

"I'm sorry, you're always in my mind, your legs must be tired from all the running ;)" He was drunk when he sent me that last one, haha.

He's asleep right next to me right now. We're hanging out for a few hours before my grandparents drop the kids off. We talked for a bit. I asked him if he was sorry for the pain he caused me and he said yes. He said he's so sorry he hurt me like that, and that he knows just saying that doesn't make it up to me. I told him we're making it up by becoming the best we can be and giving us another chance I guess I'm just feeling the need to help him realize what I went through when he left and that coming back together won't be seamless. I started to feel comfortable on my own. I love having him back, but I'm not used to it yet. I'm finding myself struggling internally with emotions I didn't expect to be feeling.

Yesterday he told me I've always had this power over him, and he can't help but want to do everything for me and be whatever I want him to be. He smiles when he says it, but I think he fears how strongly he's always felt for me. He really lost himself in me, and I lost myself in him. I used to take advantage of the power he let me have over him. I told him yesterday that I don't want us to have power struggles anymore. I don't want to have power over him, or vice-versa. It's a delicate situation. He feels very vulnerable when it comes to me, and I need to be careful to not take advantage of him because of it. That makes me sound terrible, I know, but I have had control issues for a long time. He made himself look weak around me for most of our R because he wouldn't stand up for himself to me. I want him to speak up, to not take crap from anyone. And I don't want to give him crap to take.

I'm so glad we're going to counseling! I've been wanting to for years.

We listened to For The First Time by The Scipt together. I wanted him to hear it because it reminds me of what we're going through. I started crying and he held me and told me he loves me and that we'll make it through this.

[Jenna333]

We did a lot of great talking today. We were both miserable with the control, trust, and codependency issues on both sides in the old R. I am excited to work on creating a wonderful relationship with trust, independence, respect, LOVE J is feeling the same way. We talked today about what he needs to change and what we both feel we need and want from ourselves and out of our new relationship. It was a very productive talk He told me he wants to become more responsible, more calm with the kids, trustworthy. From the relationship we both want pretty much the same things.

I'm still in shock that he's back. I actually burst into tears over it earlier today while I was cleaning. I truly opened my heart to him after that talk 2 days ago. He's had his heart opened to me since we decided to date each other exclusively. I explained to him today that I need reassurance from him that he won't be leaving, that he really wants this, and that he will work on himself. He is ready and actually very excited to embark on this path with me The trust is the hardest part. He doesn't fully trust me, either. I've done my share to break his trust in me. The fact that he agreed to counseling shows me that he's started changing I believe it will only get better from here!

Our mushy texts from earlier:

Me: "I feel so happy and full of promise and hope <3 I just wanted you to know that, sweetheart. I love you!"

J: "Aww baby, I feel the same way, and look forward to us growing together I love you too"

I sent him that because he also needs reassurance from me that this is what I want. He hasn't been convinced since I pretty much told him I couldn't do it a couple days ago. Time will help, as will space and loving communication and respect.

[purgatory]

Sounds like you guys are getting comfortable again... Enjoy this new relationship!!

(don't leave us now that things are turing positive for you... I know that I still need some sound advice and a reality check!)

So happy for you, sweetie!!!

[Jenna333]

Thanks, Pur I won't be leaving. I want to see you through your sitch!

J and I texted a bunch late last night. The excitement just seeps through our words This feels like a dream come true. I need to keep my feet firmly planted in reality! He told me he can't wait to become the man he's always wanted to be but never thought he could be.

He's going to stay over tonight. I told him it's fun having him over sometimes. He said it reminds him of when we were teens and he used to sneak in to be with me when my mom was out of town. Ha! This dating thing is fun

My D is at her first official play date at a classmate's house. She's been looking forward to this for days S and I are at the park. I tried studying but the darn wind is blowing my papers around. I think we may go get lunch soon