I have been reading the forums for about two weeks, and thought I would take the plunge and post. So many of you have extremely helpful advice, and I hope that when I get through this, I can help others out, too. But first thing's first:
My H dropped the bomb on 1/08/12, saying that he loved me very much, thought very warmly of me, but didn't feel for me "things that he should." He thought that moving out would help him to clarify the issue in his mind, and he did so on 1/18/2012, despite my pleading and reasoning (mistake #1, I know). As soon as it happened, I began to research and came upon MWD books and this site. I immediately ordered 3 of her books and have read DB, DR and am currently reading "Change your Life."
We have been married 10 years that we both agree have been mostly very happy. However, things have been rough in the last few years. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. H took care of me during that time and kept most of his feelings of fear to himself. I encouraged him to join a caregivers support group, but he didn't think it was necessary. A little background: H's father died of cancer when H was 19, and my cancer brought back many painful memories and feelings of guilt about his dad. Another milestone is that we bought a second home, a weekend place that we had talked about for a while, back in July of 2011. This coincided with a bout of depression for H. He agrees that the sense of crushing responsibility he had during my cancer treatments only intensified with the purchase of this new property. He began to feel trapped.
He is now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping him a great deal, and last week we had our first session with a MC. He seemed very good and I was encouraged. However, H is not hopeful of a reconciliation. He believes that things have changed between us and that they cannot go back to where they were. Although we continue to be best friends, he is finding pleasure and relief in our separation, since the issue is no longer in his face. To tell the truth, I am finding some relief in being away from him as well. In the last few weeks, he would say things like "we won't be able to make it," "we'll never get to the other side," and "you don't want to be married to me feeling the way I do," over and over. It was becoming very stressful. He also told me that he could no longer be "responsible for someone else" or "in the confines of a marriage."
Since reading DR, I have stopped pursuing him. I do not initiate contact and respond in an upbeat way when he does. I have backslid a bit, but have done pretty well so far. He calls and texts often and his depression seems to have lifted a little. I am also working on GAL -- going out with friends more often, making plans to join a gym, getting my hair done, etc. I need to do more of that. Things are not looking good right now. I feel that we are just friends at the moment, but maybe that is what needs to happen to get through this. We are going up to our second home tomorrow to take care of some things and I dread being alone with him all weekend, knowing that he is so hopeless about our life together.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
