Ok, I've had another bad day today, 2 in a row which I'm really unhappy with. Maybe I'm more mentally messed up than I thought? I used to be fine ( not great) with my W going out with her work friends and every time she went out I improved a little and became less and less nervous. Then the whole Nick thing happened and now I've got this terrible fear back that leads deep down into my soul. Imagine you were deeply scared of flying but you forced yourself on a plane one day out of love and it didn't crash so you kept doing 8 - 9 times and then on 10th time it crashed, that's the fear I'm facing at the moment and trying to force myself back on the plane! I know to many of you this sounds stupid but I look back now and see this is a behaviour I learnt from my W as she used to be intensely jealous and paranoid of me going out.
Finally my CBT has come and that starts Wednesday which I know will help with this as well as help me control my anger and stress levels. I look forward to it as I'm fed up of being stressed all the time and never being able to relax fully.
Sunday talk with my W this week I'm going to thank her for giving me the opportunity to have a really good look at myself because the more time goes on the more I hate me and what I've become, I've already started making changes but I've got lots to do. I really hate me at the moment and hate how I've treated my wife over the years, which I'm finally starting to see more clearly. I never meant to, I truly love her with all my heart and soul and I'm horrified now that I've had some actual feedback from her and had chance to read some of the threads on here, I'm disgusted with myself that I would treat anybody like that nevermind the woman I love and the mother of my kids.
