It's "normal" to start questioning what you want for yourself and out of your R with your W.
Defining my life if this "doesn't" work out is something I'm working on. To some, that may be a defeatest attitude. I'm not so sure. I'm confident in how I want to live, and how I want to live with her in a newly defined relationship. I think it makes sense to prepare for some different scenarions, esp ones that seem possible.
It seems that your W is slowly "coming out of it". But from what I've heard so far even if you've busted or close to it, you're still far from being done. Have you started reading in the Piecing section? Even if you feel that you're not close to piecing yet, I think it would be good to start getting an idea of what people are going through and the challenges they're facing.
I'm think she might be fighting her way out of it, and maybe her setbacks are part of the process. The down slides are very scary. I will check out the piecing forum and see what that world is like. Thanks for the recommendation!
I hope you feel that you're not completely alone. We're here for you
Thank god you guys are here. Sometimes I just need to regroup and then push on again. Being strong once the "piecing" begins, if that's what this is, is as tough in its own way as when the bomb dropped. They don't recommend detachment for nothing!
I have given myself nine months of non-stop excrutiating self evaluation. When the bomb dropped I was so visously attacked that I literally blamed myself for everything and it took months for me to find enough peace to clearly evaluate things.
^^^ glad you are keeping this is mind. You have come a LONG way my friend and this is about you!I know you are tempted to help, I would be too, but keep your eye on the "ball".
rick, you are one of the guys I look up to here - keep it up bro!
Monkey spanker - thanks for the reply. Like you say, keep my eye on the ball. I really have been getting sucked into the vortex lately, got to keep flying above it!
I have not abandoned my principles in this nonetheless. Thinking way too much probably.
25 asked me what will I do if she never makes it back, or doesn't want to make it back. Its a lot to dwell on.
I dont have answers at this point.
In reading your past couple posts, I think you are stuck here. you have been thinking about this and it has knocked you on your asss. Yeah. You know, when 25 asks me something I usually need about a month to process it through. This particular question is so necessary, and it really did stop me in my tracks. I'm glad she aksed though. The strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, so I welcome the tough questions.
I think you are looking too far over your shoulder to see "where" your wife is at this point.
I think you are setting yourself up for failure , based on what YOU think your wife is capable of.
It is all too easy to get caught up in the "what ifs".
I guess so. Because her sitch is so in the forefront and I obviously have such a stake in it I need to get better at the DB process. Staying on focus, keeping eye on the ball as G-Monk said, is critical here. I can't allow myself to get swallowed up in the moment by moment. I know I need to detach more, and not get fooled into thinking each positve step forward with her can't be counteracted by a fall back as she goes through this.
What I see right now from you, is fear based. And it is such a F-ed up fear. Eventually, during a stand, the LBS goes through a fear of success. We fear being successful on our own, and we fear that we won't need our spouse in our life. We fear success because it moves us (from what we feel) is too far in a direction away from them.
There is a lot of truth to this. I feel guilty about this but I've been thinking that I would do really well if I ended up without my W. I'm not saying I don't want a new M with her, its just that I keep having these visions of my life without all of the things I'm dealing with, with her. I don't "need" her in my life, but I "want" her, albeit with her moving out of her crisis.
And if we takes those steps, we are afraid that they will not be able to "catch up".
My W is so freaked when she thinks I'm moving on without her that she contradicts her need for solitude right now. I actually do worry that the more I GAL as it were, the more she will be less inclined to swim upstream herself. I shouldn't project that worry onto what she may actually be capable of though..
I ask you this Rick....Can one lead from behind ????
Dammit, that's so true! I've been a leader in so many areas of my life yet didn't recognize that here.I need to keep this thought in the forefront.
I think 25's question to you was entirely appropriate, and deserves your FULL attention. Yet I know that it was not intended to throw you for the loop it has thrown you in.
It was intended to move you forward, to take a step toward YOUR future.
Until you get to know yourself better, you may not be able to answer that.
I'm having trouble with this. I think its because I do tend to think in absolutes. I worry If I move forward on my own life it would automatically be so without her because she's only in it in her limited way right now. I do get afraid of that. When Kelli asked me if we should consider a life together (long story, childhood friend also a LBS, who sweetly brought this up about a month ago) I started thinking about the concept of who am I as an individual and what/how should I let my future play out. I having trouble with being there for my W, wanting to go through this with her, and yet recognizing the internal beating I'm taking. I cannot see abandoning her in this, and I do feel that when I think of myself and my future I feel selfish.
I do think this bomb has clarified the critical core beliefs I have, the relationship skills I have and I feel really good about that. I am however working on what do I owe myself for my future, and where it it selfish vs. the smart choice.
Your post the other day...
That is the "meat and potatoes" of DBing. Getting to know ones self again well enough to know, without a doubt, what you are willing to sacrifice for your relationship. NOT to give you a reason to accept defeat.
Nobody knows what the future holds. And to predict what actions your wife is capable of, would be pretty arrogant. Hell, I'm pretty sure you cannot predict what YOU are capable of.
This is where the rubber meets the road in DB terms...
Defining yourself...
Please don't misunderstand.
I'm NOT telling you to stick a fork in this. Her confusion is a very GOOD sign.... (I think so too)
What I am saying is , that you should keep on working toward defining yourself, taking steps toward your future.
And STOP looking towards her, for your answers to the questions.
I grasp this intellectually, but am confused as I said before. When you say this do you mean that I should picture the life I want and just go and do it regardless of where my W is in her sitch? I'm not sure if I'm asking the right question actually? Do you just say, "f" it, do what works for you and if your wife can keep up then great? I think you probably don't mean it in this extreme but I can't seem to find the way to ask it for myself even though I think there must be another way. I'm stuck!
In time, you will realize that you have all of your answers, you were just asking the wrong questions.
I know this is a Master Poe/Grasshopper situation, but I am really grappling for insight on this.
Hey Rick, sorry things are so difficult right now. Keep with focusing on yourself. W has her own journey and you can't fix that, you can support her but you can't make her better.
All true, just so tough to do 24/7/365. I'm grappling with how to find a way to take care of myself, that doesn't feel selfish, and doesn't abandone what I hope can happen for us.
Rick - M1 makes some very valid points. Listen to him.
Always good to hear from you 3PT.
Also, you really do need to detach some more. I know you struggle with how to do it so that your W doesn't feel abandoned. Maybe join a weekly men's group or something non-threatening, (DivorceCare perhaps). It will give you something to occupy some of your free time and you'll get much needed support.
I am really struggling with the not making my W feel abandoned, and am struggling with not abandoning myself too. I'll try this to find out about this DivorceCare. What is it/ Who is it for?
You've got to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. You may not even realize how much damage the strain is causing you.
I am getting very worried about this and if I don't stay on top there's a lot that goes down with me. I'm finding it very hard to think, except when I'm on this blog. I used to have such an amazing outlet in my martial arts days, esp as a "safe" release from the dark side. Now I rely on the Bikram Yoga, which is so incredibly demanding, to both release the demons, and to reconnect to The Truth.
"I am really struggling with the not making my W feel abandoned, and am struggling with not abandoning myself too. I'll try this to find out about this DivorceCare. What is it/ Who is it for?"
Google the word 'DivorceCare' andf the first return will take you to their website. DC is a divorce recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce. While you don't necessarily fit the above description, you may find it helpful to have the support of others within the group. Also, the program is video based so you'll have an hour or so of video to watch each week along with some sharing and conversation which can be tremendously helpful.
You'll also learn about the various aspects of divorce such as finances, impact on children, healing and new relationships, that a lot of people don't consider when moving down this path.
The groups are usually run out of religious organizations, (i.e. church's) and there is a strong overtone of religious teachings but I do not find that they are trying to convert anyone, just sharing the impact of divorce from a biblical perspective plus a lot of helpful data and ideas that help people move forward and rebuild their lives for the future.
"I am getting very worried about this and if I don't stay on top there's a lot that goes down with me. I'm finding it very hard to think, except when I'm on this blog. I used to have such an amazing outlet in my martial arts days, esp as a "safe" release from the dark side. Now I rely on the Bikram Yoga, which is so incredibly demanding, to both release the demons, and to reconnect to The Truth."
Do you walk or run? Sometimes I find it helpful to just go for a nice long walk in the woods or even in the neighborhood. It is a great way to get some fresh air and some clear thinking.
When I was much younger I used to surf and I've got to tell you if ever there was a sport that allowed for quiet contemplation, surfing was it. Sometimes you'd have to wait long periods in between sets and it was during those quiet moments when I did some of my best thinking.
Maybe if you live near an ocean, you could grab a wetsuit and a board and paddle out and sit and commune with the seals and dolphins!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
And STOP looking towards her, for your answers to the questions.
I grasp this intellectually, but am confused as I said before. When you say this do you mean that I should picture the life I want and just go and do it regardless of where my W is in her sitch? I'm not sure if I'm asking the right question actually? Do you just say, "f" it, do what works for you and if your wife can keep up then great? I think you probably don't mean it in this extreme but I can't seem to find the way to ask it for myself even though I think there must be another way. I'm stuck!
I stopped counting at 15, of how many times you mentioned either the word "her" or "W" when I was reading this....
And most of those were in context of why YOU could or couldn't do something.
Originally Posted By: Rick
Originally Posted By: Mach
In time, you will realize that you have all of your answers, you were just asking the wrong questions.
I know this is a Master Poe/Grasshopper situation, but I am really grappling for insight on this.
Re-read what you posted back to me, and my response to the above. Then try to think of how you would respond to another poster, who said this.....
Not trying to be an asss or anything....I want you to really think about this....
