Now if I could just teach them how to FISH they would never be hungry again, right MACH?
Yes, I need to be taught "how to fish", but also be reminded of how to do it right every so often. I think that's important for me to be able to "stay on track". As time goes by and you are "treading waters", it's easy to lose focus.
Journaling: Had a fairly calm night last night. H was actually home before S4 and I (we stopped at a store on the way home), but I didn't expect him to be home "that early". I cooked dinner, H handed me a few things in the process, dinner was quiet, H had seconds - overall fairly casual. After S4 was in bed I went to the bedroom, read a little/surfed the net. I'm coming down with a cold, so I felt drained and went to bed early. H ended up sleeping in bed again! This morning when he was in the shower the shower knob fell off and he asked me to bring him the screwdriver set. I did. There he was, standing naked in the shower and I'm handing him a screwdriver...nonchalantly.
I just returned a movie that H has had for a few days and he sends me an email asking whether we should go back to Netflix as this movie ended up costing a lot (because he didn't watch it until last night). I replied saying sure. Then he changed his mind saying that maybe it's not worth it and we should just be better at watching them and returning right away. I feel like that's what is going on in his head: "thinking" about "our" future (by looking into a subscription for "both of us"), then quickly changing his mind - don't want to think about future. I know I'm reading way more into it than I should. I just don't know what to do, what to say, how to act. Do I stay out of his way like I have in the last few days (which lead him to be "friendlier" with me and sleeping in bed)? Do I try to initiate a conversation (not R, just whatever)? And if so, how long do I keep this going? H hasn't asked why I've been in the bedroom so early for the past 3 nights, he doesn't really say much to me. I hope that me staying out of his way helps him feel a little more "relaxed" at home. I don't want him to hate being there. We don't have a lot of space, so I'm sure it's not easy for him to be around me all the time. He probably feels 'trapped' in a way.
I feel like I've been fairly upbeat about things in the past few days, I actually felt "happy" driving home last night (what a weird feeling). Today I'm feeling confused, but I think part of it is that I'm not feeling too well because of the cold. And I'm tired, even though I went to bed early.
Not much new happening, just a little more of the strange behavior from H (strange being positive, I guess).
I decided to try a new recipe for a soup last night and didn't think H would like it, so I cooked extra of what I was making for S4. H chose to eat the soup instead. While I was cooking, he was hanging around in the kitchen (we have a small kitchen) and playfully nudged me with his hip a few times. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just laughed and kept doing what I was doing. H was talking about the super bowl with S4 and said that he wanted to watch it with him. I said that I thought he might watch it in a bar (because he's been out almost every weekend to watch something with a soccer buddy, so I guess I was expecting H not to be at home), then he said that he doesn't know yet what he's going to do.
After dinner S4 and I were playing checkers and H kept touching my foot with his foot while I wasn't looking. When I would look at him, he'd say 'what?'. That went on for a little while. H had an earlier soccer game, so staying out of his way wasn't a problem for me last night. H slept in bed for the fourth straight night! (but who's counting anyway?). I think H wanted more than just sleep in bed, but I didn't react and he didn't pursue too hard.
So, I'm going to become citizen in a couple of weeks and have my oath ceremony scheduled. H actually brought it up and I asked him if he is going to come. He said he didn't know yet about what's happening on that day. One of my friends and my MIL are planning to come, so I'm not sure how he'll feel about being there. It is kind of a big deal for me and I would really like it if he was there, but due to the recent events I know that he doesn't really care, so I'm not expecting him to come. I guess we shall see. I've been thinking about everything, especially on my low days, that maybe symbolically I would be a "new" person and could "start over". H says that the only reason I am not giving up on us is because he thinks that I'm scared to be alone. Yes, I am not looking forward to it and it will take some getting used to, but that is certainly not the reason. I came to this country by myself when I was 17. I already know what it's like to "start over". Yes, the circumstances are a little different now, but I KNOW that I can do it and I WILL be ok. Yes it's scary, because H and his family are the only family I have here and I don't have a big circle of friends, but if he chooses to give up on us, then I will be ok.
H hasn't brought up his plans to move out since we talked on Sunday. I don't know if he's actually looked at anything yet. I just think it's weird how he's been 'closer' to me since Sunday when he insisted that he hates it at home and needs to leave and find his happiness elsewhere. His wedding band is still sitting on the dresser. I have IC tonight. I'm not sure what I want out of it yet. I'm curious about what anyone else does at IC. Do you go in with a "set agenda" in hopes to come out with something? Do you just go and vent?
My background is kinda complicated. In a nutshell: I was born in Russia, but my family moved to Germany when I was 10 (step-father is German)--my first "starting over". I'm a citizen of both and have bits and pieces of both cultures, although I don't really identify myself with either one of them. I'm kind of a "lost soul", I guess. I think the fact that this country is a melting pot of other cultures is what appeals to me. Anyone can be whoever or whatever they want to be. And the fact that my H embraced my complicated background and was willing to learn as much as he could is something that really made him stand out. He has learned German so that he can communicate with my family, and even knows a few words of Russian. Our shared love for different cultures and countries really brought us together. We even went to live in China for 6 months when we were in college. And I know that he would have moved to Germany with me at the drop of a hat. I think I'm really sad about the possibility of losing someone who's been that devoted to me.
H initiated a physical touch: positive H slept in your bed: positive H discussed watching the game with S: positive H hasn't brought up plans to move out: positive You becoming a citizen: AWESOME!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
There's a lot of good things happening right now. Move slowly and have no expectations so you can't get disappointed.
Whatever you've been doing has him interested and keeping him around... Keep doing what works!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
My background is kinda complicated. In a nutshell: I was born in Russia, but my family moved to Germany when I was 10 (step-father is German)--my first "starting over". I'm a citizen of both and have bits and pieces of both cultures, although I don't really identify myself with either one of them. I'm kind of a "lost soul", I guess. I think the fact that this country is a melting pot of other cultures is what appeals to me. Anyone can be whoever or whatever they want to be. And the fact that my H embraced my complicated background and was willing to learn as much as he could is something that really made him stand out. He has learned German so that he can communicate with my family, and even knows a few words of Russian. Our shared love for different cultures and countries really brought us together. We even went to live in China for 6 months when we were in college. And I know that he would have moved to Germany with me at the drop of a hat. I think I'm really sad about the possibility of losing someone who's been that devoted to me.
Quite the amazing story. I'm like you. I was born a US citizen but grew up in the far east then moved to US at age 10. Like you, I feel very at home immersing in different cultures.
Regarding your posts and your H, I do feel like he is slowly turning back to you and S4. I think there is some reason to have some hope for you and family.
It's funny how the people on this blog become almost family. I was at The Bruins last night and remembered your post about how your son loves hockey and the Bruins.
thank you for reminding me about the positives. Even if they are little and don't mean a lot. But they are positive nonetheless. Yay, I'm very excited about finally becoming a citizen. I've been putting it off for a while and finally decided to go for it (it's more the bureaucracy and $$ that caused me to procrastinate).
Rick-
I think it's great that you got to experience other cultures at a young age. I'm sure it contributed to the person you are today. I agree that this community is almost like a family. I look forward to catching up on people's situations and the feedback and support in my own. My S4 will be so jealous if he finds out you went to see the Bruins
IC tonight went well. My C seems impressed with the way I've been handling everything. She said she will recommend this forum to others. I told her that without the support and wisdom from here, I would certainly not be where I am now. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing. She also told me to view H as a "friend" since on a couple of occasions H told me that we were "just friends". I think that's good advice to look at him as a friend. We tend to treat friends better than our spouses in a way, so I hope viewing H as a "friend" will make it easier for me to be "friendly" towards him (not get upset about little things or have any kind of expectations). H seems distant tonight, so I'm staying out of his way. H did make one comment tonight that hurt. When I got home S4 was excited to see me and was talking and jumping around. H told him to calm down and said to me "I swear it's you" in a not-so-nice tone, implying that S4 gets 'crazy' and doesn't listen when I'm around. Hmm, maybe 'cause he's afraid to talk or be himself when it's only H in fear of getting in trouble? I didn't say anything, but he could tell I didn't like it. I think he tried to bait me to get defensive, but I just said it was nothing and walked away. So not so much of the strange positive behavior tonight. Oh well, I knew it wasn't going to last long anyway.
Quick question: I have been scanning the MLC links, but none seem to have happy endings, do any have happy endings?? I only read happy endings.
NHMom - count yourself lucky. Clearly your H is going through some type of personal termoil right now though he has done nothing to advance that. He is still at home and still in the marital bed and still playing footsie. He is trying to find his way back but its gonna take time and as much space as you can give him while living with him.
Why not go for it, if he is initiating in bed? I think it would be a positive to reconnect in that way??
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
