2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

Compassion and Forgiveness...

I have been analyzing my sitch and progress since my H left a year ago...

While I have definitely turned a corner in some ways, I realize there is one fundamental problem that I have not gotten over and that I believe has not only not helped my sitch and M, but has pushed my H so far away, that it might be too late for me.

That thing is my reaction to OW... I realize I have not shown any compassion for H for his mistake.

Yes, when my H walked away, he reacted stupidly and started dating immediately and continued an EA that became a real R.

But I failed to realize that he was building up a wall between him and the pain I was causing him...
His initial dating and then R with OW were the quick way to do that-- he get all involved in that new R with all the new R feelings that occur and he was ultimately fairly effective at detached from me.

And from my reactions to it, all he has felt from me has been judgement-- and additionally all his support systems were turned against me too...


So I see now how hard (or already impossible) it would be for him to turn that all around. He probably felt that he was at the point of no return... He probably felt from our interactions that I am not likely to forgive him or forget... I have given him no chance to turn around and say--"I was stupid"...

Cheating is not ok... But he feels he didn't. He told me he was done and left and then started dating... IT DOESN'T MATTER, and I have acted like it does...

I made the decision to try and work things out, and it's ultimately going to fall on me to show compassion to him... and boy that doesn't seem fair, but that's how it works.

I believe now that unless I show compassion and unconditional love and acceptance of his mistake, he won't have the space necessary to turn around and try to do better...

But my question is HOW?
Every time he talks about her (in the most glowing terms), it's like salt being added to an open wound. IT HURTS SO MUCH.


I would like to never hear about her so I can detach and heal.
I have asked him not to talk about her, but he wants me to accept her, to give him my blessing, to show her respect in situations where we might interact.
His R with her is now quite serious and our children are now involved and attached to her.

So my big question:

HOW DO I SHOW COMPASSION AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WHEN IT COMES TO THE OW? Do I pretend I accept her? Do i continue trying to establish a boundary to heal myself (it would show that I am still hurt and not being compassionate and forgiving...)

What does everyone think?