Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Journaling -

Monday was another day with the C. She says she feels I'm holding up pretty well in the face of all the loss I've been through in the last few years. I asked her if she'd heard of DR, she said that she hadn't. I had my book with me and showed it to her, then showed her my printed out list of the 37 points. She said it all seemed like good advice and wanted me to continue following them as much as I could.

Not long after I got home, my parents called. My Dad was going back to the ER due to low blood pressure. I went up there to be with him, though he was basically unconscious when I got there, and sedated for the rest. W would sent periodic texts asking what was going on, and I'd tell her, but never got any real sympathy from her. I broke down a little in the waiting room, after having seen so many people swarming around my dad. It was almost literally like what you'd see in that show ER.

I didn't leave the hospital until around midnight. Dad was stable and in the ICU. W was already in bed when I got home, but had sent a text letting me know there was pizza in the fridge for me.

I was woken pretty early the next morning by my son. I got dressed and went outside to smoke. W was there, asked me more about the evening. I told her what I knew, she still didn't express much sympathy. I wanted to scream "You get so mad at me for being selfish, but can't sympathize with the fact that I almost lost my dad for the second time in just over a month?" But I didn't. I was too tired and worried.

We went back in side and I started to go back to bed. I didn't mean to, but I must have given W a pretty pathetic look, as she suddenly moved to hug me. It was a one-armed hug, but it was the warmest physical interaction we'd had in months. She rubbed my back reassuringly and laid her head on my shoulder. I don't remember if she said anything. S broke us up by pushing her away. I went back to bed and closed the door. She opened it right behind me and reached in to lock it, so S wouldn't be able to bother me. I slept for about 5 more hours.

I took S to the doctor for the 3rd time in 5 days, and let W have a bit of a break after taking him the previous day. She texted me that she appreciated me taking him, and I responded that she seemed to need rest more than I did. She responded "Thank you." She called me just after I left the office to ask how he was, and I told her. I went to tai chi that evening and had a pretty good time. S seemed to be feeling better after I got home, and I was pretty thankful for that. We watched a movie, then went to bed.

Wednesday was the day I overheard part of that phone call. Needless to say, it was a pretty bad day for me, emotionally. I tried not show it to her, and I think I succeeded in that. Went to visit Dad in the ICU, since he was off the ventilator. His voice is really deep and gravelly now, but I guess that's to be expected. He didn't know what had happened, but was otherwise pretty clear-headed. I went home feeling pretty exhausted, mentally and physically. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything that day. W made dinner after I got home, but I spent the evening avoiding her. She sounded a little confused when she let me know that dinner was ready, but I may be projecting hopes in saying that. I ate, but still didn't feel much better.

I wound up calling sick into work on Thursday. Woke up still feeling pretty awful. W had her visit with the endocrinologist, and was told that she's being well controlled on her medication, and it's going to be reduced further pending the results of her bloodwork coming back. The doctor told her there was nothing wrong with her as far as her mental condition is concerned.

When she told me this, I apologized for pressuring her about her disease and that I wanted to make sure she was healthy. She was pretty upset and definitely displayed a defiant attitude. I told her I was happy for her news that she'd be able to avoid a major procedure for now, at least. Her indignation seemed to be deflated pretty quickly with my validation of her feelings. She accused me of gaslighting her. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, so I looked it up. Now I have another bullet-point to work on. I'm hoping the validation I've been doing so far helps allay her concern about that. I truly feel rotten now that I see it for what it is.

The rest of the day carried an unusual tension. I'd been evicted from my room by my sleeping son, so I had no choice but to hang out in the living room with her. She looked lost in thought, but I didn't ask any questions about that.

S woke up about the time W made lunch. After eating, she went to take a nap. I tried to get S to go back to sleep, but no such luck. After she woke up, I took S to run an errand for my mom, and when I came back, he passed out again. He was starting to run another fever. W moved him to my bed again. I got on the elliptical machine and finally made good of my promise to myself to work out. I showered afterwards. It wasn't much longer before S woke up again, but now he was seriously upset and sweaty. He seemed to be in pain. He screamed and cried for over an hour as we tried to calm him down. W was getting really agitated. We theorized that his stomach was hurting based on the way he was tensing up. We gave him something for that, and he calmed down a little, but was still pretty tired. He didn't move much from where he was put on the couch and eventually passed out. I did the dishes after dinner, then W took S and went to bed. She was still being really short with me. I was left alone, downstairs, feeling pretty worried and scared about the previous couple of days. I tried to push it out of my mind and managed to sleep pretty well, even though it just wasn't as much as I'd like.

S is still kinda sick today, so W is taking him back to the doctor. I sure hope he gets better soon. This stress is rough!